My fiance finds it hard to focus. I have caught him many times stealing looks at ladies, including my friends. Besides the fact that it is becoming embarrassing, it makes me feel inadequate. The worst of it all is that he often compares my way of dressing with that of his female friends. He says he is doing it to help me become my best. I love him so much and I am looking forward to our wedding in 3 and half months, even though some of my friends and family keep raising alarm about him. Please, I need an impartial feedback. Is there something I am missing?
Chidi & Victor Akunna are leading voices on marital romance and family life. They are passionate about helping individuals, couples and organisations build sustainable and valuable relationships, and testimonials abound. They are authors of many articles and books.
They partner in the administration of “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.
Feel free to enjoy the resources available here!
18 Commentson "What do you do when he keeps staring…?"
The good thing is that you already know how he is before you marry him. If u go ahead and marry him, don’t act surprised when he doesn’t change his ways. The way he is now is how he is gonna be. The only way he can change is thru u praying and fasting on his behalf. The Holy Spirit can change that about him if he is susceptible to the Holy Spirit. And u gotta do a lot of work by learning how to handle d situation and also communicate your feelings without being combative. Before u get hitched u both can engage in couples’ therapy so that u can address such issues. If u r able to find a Christian based therapist, that would be awesome.
I also believe that if others r raising red flags about him, perhaps, u should take a step back. Pray , and figure if this is there man God has for you. Don’t rush into anything. Marriage is supposed to be for d rest of ur life. Go into it knowing u r not coming out of it. Think twice BEFORE u marry. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Allow the Holy Spirit to be ur guide.
you need to think critically before settling down. A man who cannot exhibit some form of self control when it comes to staring is a red flag. What kind of dressing is he most attracted to? that will give you a hint on his personality. If he keeps staring at women who are not decently dressed, my dear, that is a red flag. Nevertheless, try to politely and lovingly talk to him about it. Tell him also that you are willing to improve on your dressing, but to a decent one. I must advice you to be yourself always and be happy with who you are.
I do not want to scare you but such men are prone to cheating. Most importantly, keep praying, don’t rush things.
Michelle and Chinwe said it all. You can’t change any man except the Holy Ghost. You can take it slow and be prayerful remember this ..some friends are for a reason some are for a season and some are forever. Don’t use the former for the later..Allow God and time. Anyone coming for you should be focus and ready to help you and not exhibit some ill acts and tell you “cover up lies. No one is perfect but we should be ok with what God has given us. Some folks are never satisfied even if you dress like your friends they may never change. Let God direct and help us. Hallelujah.
Infact, Michelle and Chinwe have said the right words. I would encourage you to look before you leap. God won’t come down to teach you. He has given us wisdom to apply in every situation.
Sister, a pig is a pig no matter what u do keep it clean, because that’s d nature, he will never change so u batter think well before going on to say l do; because there is no going back when once you say l do, that’s it, you are in for a bigger trouble because he will always justify his actions. If you are not good enough for him now to look at, you will never be. good enough for him after marriage.
Let’s Cal a spade a spade oº°˚˚˚° a guy that stares @ anything in Skirt…wud want to have his way if opportunity calls so Its better she talk to her legs before
You are indeed a very Lucky lady to have seen this terrible, shameful and disheartening red flag from your man’s side! It’s a very bad habit that can’t be gotten rid of in a year of even tough and steady counselling sessions! Please dear, make up your mind now if U wanna live with this kind of man for the rest of your life and save yourself the shame and fear of having your man look at your neighbour’s younger sista or friend everytime! And my dear Sister, be prepared to get worst scenarios when u r hitched! A man who stares at other ladies even while U r with him now definitely will show no better regard or respect to/for you when U r finally married to him! You had better don’t get into it, or get into it and die of heart ache and frustration later! Best Wishes Sis
My dear, thanks for sharing. First, men are moved by sight and if you are observant, you would find that almost all men are guilty of staring, except that the emotionally intelligent ones are few. However, your being uncomfortable indicates that he doesn’t respect your presence and that’s a problem because you would most likely have given him both verbal and non-verbal cues. Secondly, he perpetually comparing you to other female friends is insulting and I would suggest you both discuss how you feel. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with his approach, or you both can’t reach a rational meeting point, I’ll suggest you take time to evaluate what you can tolerate in lifetime and what you won’t and talk to people who can give you unbiased advise. All the best dear
Can a man who does not value or love you for who you are today, do so 5 years down the line? Remember that choosing a life partner is a life-changing decision, so don’t be sentimental.
When I tell ppl to think twice wen ur family have their “BUT” about their spouse it sounds funny. Really in my little idea thr is nothing to talk about. He is not good for her n will break her heart deeply wen they get married. So girlfriend talk to your heels when you still can no man will love you and humilate you continuously like da. Sorry no two ways to say this: leave him he is not ready and not good for you bcos u woundnt b good for him wen u get married
Let’s Cal a spade a spade oº°˚˚˚° a guy that stares @ anything in Skirt…wud want to have his way if opportunity calls so Its better she talk to her legs before its late
A man should protect his lady’s interests, not damage her esteem. It’s healthy to POLITELY comment on your dressing, that is, if it is not comely. Making comparisons can very easily lead to low self esteem. I don’t think he has any respect for you. Why should you look like his female friends? Look like you. Be you. I suggest you talk to him about the staring, how he responds will give you a clue about how the next 60 years with him would be. People don’t change because you want them to. Right here, right now, the ball is in your court, dear lady. Once you say “I do”, your desires become subject to his. Right now, you hold the cards. What are you not comfortable with? Project 60years from now. Can you live with those vices? Again, do not ignore the misgivings of your family and friends, they can very easily see what is in your blind spot because they are not emotionally involved with your partner. Most importantly, PRAY. God knows more about your marital future than you do. He knows exactly how things will turn out. A broken relationship is far better than a broken marriage. Shalom!
There are some things we need to endure if we want to settle down with a person. Remember,every body have one or two weakneses.Let me tell you that if you cannot bear that now,you can’t once you people start off officialy. I advice you pray,think,and pray again before…… Goodluck to you.
My dear I pray you read n accept all the advices given to you by everyone here,that man is not a husband material at all.thank God he showed you in time the kind of man he is.may the good lord help you in making the right decision!
Most adults do not change! I’m afraid even talking to him about it might not lead to LASTING change; people can suppress an attitude only for a while, not forever. Also, it’s difficult to unlearn things one has been doing for so many years and is probably already set in his ways. Ask yourself if you can live with whatever you see. If you can, fine and good. If you can’t, better opt out and keep moving. I personally like to think that people don’t change. What you see is what you get. God bless us.
Here lies one of the eight tests of true love – “The habit test”…Don’t go into marriage with the mindset that he will change his habit when you both are married; for habit(s) can’t be changed rather you ask yourself if you can live with his habit even as married couple. The choice is entirely yours!
My fiance finds it hard to focus. I have caught him many times stealing looks at ladies, including my friends. Besides the fact that it is becoming embarrassing, it makes me feel inadequate. The worst of it all is that he often compares my way of dressing with that of his female friends. He says he is doing it to help me become my best. I love him so much and I am looking forward to our wedding in 3 and half months, even though some of my friends and family keep raising alarm about him. Please, I need an impartial feedback. Is there something I am missing?
Do you think she is making the right choice?
The good thing is that you already know how he is before you marry him. If u go ahead and marry him, don’t act surprised when he doesn’t change his ways. The way he is now is how he is gonna be. The only way he can change is thru u praying and fasting on his behalf. The Holy Spirit can change that about him if he is susceptible to the Holy Spirit. And u gotta do a lot of work by learning how to handle d situation and also communicate your feelings without being combative. Before u get hitched u both can engage in couples’ therapy so that u can address such issues. If u r able to find a Christian based therapist, that would be awesome.
I also believe that if others r raising red flags about him, perhaps, u should take a step back. Pray , and figure if this is there man God has for you. Don’t rush into anything. Marriage is supposed to be for d rest of ur life. Go into it knowing u r not coming out of it. Think twice BEFORE u marry. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Allow the Holy Spirit to be ur guide.
you need to think critically before settling down. A man who cannot exhibit some form of self control when it comes to staring is a red flag. What kind of dressing is he most attracted to? that will give you a hint on his personality. If he keeps staring at women who are not decently dressed, my dear, that is a red flag. Nevertheless, try to politely and lovingly talk to him about it. Tell him also that you are willing to improve on your dressing, but to a decent one. I must advice you to be yourself always and be happy with who you are.
I do not want to scare you but such men are prone to cheating. Most importantly, keep praying, don’t rush things.
Michelle and Chinwe said it all. You can’t change any man except the Holy Ghost. You can take it slow and be prayerful remember this ..some friends are for a reason some are for a season and some are forever. Don’t use the former for the later..Allow God and time. Anyone coming for you should be focus and ready to help you and not exhibit some ill acts and tell you “cover up lies. No one is perfect but we should be ok with what God has given us. Some folks are never satisfied even if you dress like your friends they may never change. Let God direct and help us. Hallelujah.
Infact, Michelle and Chinwe have said the right words. I would encourage you to look before you leap. God won’t come down to teach you. He has given us wisdom to apply in every situation.
Sister, a pig is a pig no matter what u do keep it clean, because that’s d nature, he will never change so u batter think well before going on to say l do; because there is no going back when once you say l do, that’s it, you are in for a bigger trouble because he will always justify his actions. If you are not good enough for him now to look at, you will never be. good enough for him after marriage.
Let’s Cal a spade a spade oº°˚˚˚° a guy that stares @ anything in Skirt…wud want to have his way if opportunity calls so Its better she talk to her legs before
its late.
You are indeed a very Lucky lady to have seen this terrible, shameful and disheartening red flag from your man’s side! It’s a very bad habit that can’t be gotten rid of in a year of even tough and steady counselling sessions! Please dear, make up your mind now if U wanna live with this kind of man for the rest of your life and save yourself the shame and fear of having your man look at your neighbour’s younger sista or friend everytime! And my dear Sister, be prepared to get worst scenarios when u r hitched! A man who stares at other ladies even while U r with him now definitely will show no better regard or respect to/for you when U r finally married to him! You had better don’t get into it, or get into it and die of heart ache and frustration later! Best Wishes Sis
My dear, thanks for sharing. First, men are moved by sight and if you are observant, you would find that almost all men are guilty of staring, except that the emotionally intelligent ones are few. However, your being uncomfortable indicates that he doesn’t respect your presence and that’s a problem because you would most likely have given him both verbal and non-verbal cues. Secondly, he perpetually comparing you to other female friends is insulting and I would suggest you both discuss how you feel. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with his approach, or you both can’t reach a rational meeting point, I’ll suggest you take time to evaluate what you can tolerate in lifetime and what you won’t and talk to people who can give you unbiased advise. All the best dear
Can a man who does not value or love you for who you are today, do so 5 years down the line? Remember that choosing a life partner is a life-changing decision, so don’t be sentimental.
When I tell ppl to think twice wen ur family have their “BUT” about their spouse it sounds funny. Really in my little idea thr is nothing to talk about. He is not good for her n will break her heart deeply wen they get married. So girlfriend talk to your heels when you still can no man will love you and humilate you continuously like da. Sorry no two ways to say this: leave him he is not ready and not good for you bcos u woundnt b good for him wen u get married
Let’s Cal a spade a spade oº°˚˚˚° a guy that stares @ anything in Skirt…wud want to have his way if opportunity calls so Its better she talk to her legs before its late
A man should protect his lady’s interests, not damage her esteem. It’s healthy to POLITELY comment on your dressing, that is, if it is not comely. Making comparisons can very easily lead to low self esteem. I don’t think he has any respect for you. Why should you look like his female friends? Look like you. Be you. I suggest you talk to him about the staring, how he responds will give you a clue about how the next 60 years with him would be. People don’t change because you want them to. Right here, right now, the ball is in your court, dear lady. Once you say “I do”, your desires become subject to his. Right now, you hold the cards. What are you not comfortable with? Project 60years from now. Can you live with those vices? Again, do not ignore the misgivings of your family and friends, they can very easily see what is in your blind spot because they are not emotionally involved with your partner. Most importantly, PRAY. God knows more about your marital future than you do. He knows exactly how things will turn out. A broken relationship is far better than a broken marriage. Shalom!
I join your friends and family in raising alarm oh. Please take and step back and look again. He is killing your self esteem and NO that is not love.
There are some things we need to endure if we want to settle down with a person. Remember,every body have one or two weakneses.Let me tell you that if you cannot bear that now,you can’t once you people start off officialy. I advice you pray,think,and pray again before…… Goodluck to you.
My dear I pray you read n accept all the advices given to you by everyone here,that man is not a husband material at all.thank God he showed you in time the kind of man he is.may the good lord help you in making the right decision!
Most adults do not change! I’m afraid even talking to him about it might not lead to LASTING change; people can suppress an attitude only for a while, not forever. Also, it’s difficult to unlearn things one has been doing for so many years and is probably already set in his ways. Ask yourself if you can live with whatever you see. If you can, fine and good. If you can’t, better opt out and keep moving. I personally like to think that people don’t change. What you see is what you get. God bless us.
Here lies one of the eight tests of true love – “The habit test”…Don’t go into marriage with the mindset that he will change his habit when you both are married; for habit(s) can’t be changed rather you ask yourself if you can live with his habit even as married couple. The choice is entirely yours!