It had been a long week for Fred and he was looking forward to chilling out with his wife and their two children over the weekend. He got home to a quiet house, his wife had taken the children swimming. He looked on the side table, where his wife would normally leave the letters and parcels that came through the post, and saw a letter addressed to him. He opened it while lowering himself into a couch, what he saw turned out to be the most shocking lines he had ever read. It was a divorce petition! A divorce petition from his lovely wife!
He went from being shocked to being confused. He started to speak to himself and asked himself many questions – “did she actually send this? Was it misdirected? …but it’s got my name on it… and hers… our details and that of the children!”
He reached for his phone and gave her a call, hoping that he would be able to judge from her tone if she actually sent it. “Thank goodness!”, he thought to himself, “that was certainly not from her, she sounded ok…. but come to think of it, we have a solid marriage”.
When she returned, he brought out the envelope, “something strange came through the post today, can you imagine this?” She gave him the look that said, “don’t you get it?” He couldn’t believe it when she said, “I’m sorry, I can’t take it anymore”.
According to Fred, we have always been happy together, she never complained, never said no to my sexual advances, so why this?
Sadly, this is a real life experience and having seen this happen a couple of times recently to people who were so shocked when they got divorce petitions from their spouses, I have been left with too many questions myself. Some would tell you they never saw it coming, things seemed fine. How is one able to live with someone you should be most vulnerable with and yet pretend that everything is ok? How do you share deep conversations with this person and have a ‘reserve’ where some emotions are locked away?
This is a bad (in fact, dangerous) place to be because the receiver of the petition would have thought that they were both on the same page. To think that Fred called her and she still sounded like everything was fine tells how conditioned she had become to letting things get on while playing the good wife, yet determined to do what she had in mind.
She had probably spoken up in the past or expressed dissatisfaction about something, but nothing was done about it or he probably acted like it was not important. This is not to make light of a very sensitive issue, but if your spouse is beginning to act strangely, stop and get to the root of the matter, don’t go with “I’m fine, no problem…”, something may be up.
“Look beyond the usual! When people stop talking, don’t assume that they are happy or ignorant of your errors. It could be that they have ‘logged out’, thinking it’s not worth the effort.” – Victor Akunna
Having said that, the ideal thing to do in a situation like this is not to sit back, hands folded, tongue-tied, pondering over the issue and creating rooms in your heart for emotions that can set a house on fire. Do something, speak up, try to catch your spouse’s attention, call a meeting, by all means, express how you feel and ensure he/she understands and there is a set plan for the way forward.
Situations like this reveal your level of commitment to the marriage. Commitment is the willingness to do any thing positive to make the marriage work. This suggests that it is not just something we do only when things are going well. How committed are you to making your marriage work?
Were there things you used to do in the past that you have stopped doing?
Have you stopped being romantic towards your spouse?
Are there issues that have been left unresolved that have begun to rock the relationship?
Are there issues that you would rather not discuss as a couple because of the bitter feelings and emotions they trigger?
If the state of the marriage is such that a spouse who used to speak up has stopped speaking up, the other spouse would need to set up an emergency meeting to find out if there are unresolved issues his/her spouse is not happy about. If the spouse who complained is not budging, the other spouse may need to consider bringing in a Family Therapist to help the situation.
Do not wait until things get so bad, proactively re-evaluate the state of your marriage with your spouse. Consider getting committed to a Romance Improvement Plan. You can contact me if you need help with this.
Enjoy your marriage!
Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships; a UK based solicitor with special interests in Family and Children Law. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents. She runs workshops for teenagers.
She also partners with her husband in running “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.
Photo Credit: Thinkstock
I am actually at this point in my marriage. I must tell you, it’s not easy for Fred’s wife, sometimes I just feel like exploding. Thanks for the tips, I may call a meeting tonight, I hope he gets it because such talks leave me more infuriated.
I like your commitment to making your marriage work by trying again. Please let me know how it goes at info@foundationforfamilyaffairs.com
I am also in a cross road right now. In fact , I left my marriage for over one year now living outside the country. I have tried to see how I can go back to her but it’s something I don’t want to do. It was a matter of life and death. I don’t even know where to begin my story, is it the part her family is playing or is it her own actions.
I am really worried because of my lovely daughter, she’s innocent of this. I don’t know where to start from.
I know i have my own issues, i mean I have not been a good man when it comes to my marriage, I know i am easily angered but again and again , I asked if that could make her stab me more than 4 times and insisted that i should bleed to death?
Truthfully, i don’t know what to say.
Yours is a touching story, it is a good thing that you have identified your problem -easily angered. Having identified it, what can you do about it?
When emotions are not controlled, it’s amazing what they degenerate to. Please read my article on anger – See How Anger Changed Her Marriage http://foundationforfamilyaffairs.org/see-how-anger-changed-her-marriage-by-chidi-akunna/
What could have made her stab you? Was it pent up emotions? Were there too many unresolved issues? Let’s talk some more, I just sent you an email, I’ll be expecting your response.
I am at this point in my life. I just want to tell him i need a holiday with the children and never come back. For the past one year all I do is pent up emotions and it’s killing me. Everyday I watch him send and recieve nude pictures from all kinds of women, leaves and return to the house at will. The last time i called for a meeting it ended violently. The question I keep asking myself is where did I go wrong. He practically worshipped the ground I walked during our courtship. He pretends before my pastor and they assume all is well
So sad! I can just imagine how terrible it must feel seeing those nude pictures, but I believe so much in the power of God to turn things around, it is not a hopeless situation. Yes, there are testimonies of marriages God has turned around, a number of them leave us stunned at the magnitude of what God can do. I must, among other things, highly recommend the power of prayer. Don’t stop praying about your marriage, while doing that, be sensitive to speak those things you want into reality and start ‘seeing’ them happen.
Having said that, here are a few questions you may want to consider: are there some things you used to do which you have stopped doing? Does he still find you attractive? Have you lost your sweetness?
Now, this is not to present women in a subdued way, but to ensure that you play your part in meeting the unique demands of your marriage.
I must touch on his sexual escapades – I often say, only a man whose mind has been renewed does not cheat. What is his relationship with God like? Who is he accountable to? Who can call him to order? Prayerfully consider this and take action before things get out of hand. We are praying for you!