This Baby Palaver!

At about 3:25am on a Monday morning, my phone rang, I was too tired to take the call as I retired very late, but the caller persisted. After many rings, I picked up and the following conversation ensued:

“Hi Chidi”
“Hello dear, how are you?”
“I just lost my baby”

Deafening silence

“Hello”
“Hi, I’m here”

I was shocked and confused at the same time as I didn’t even know she was pregnant.

“I just had a stillbirth after everything. I don’t think my husband can handle this again, how do I face my mother in-law?”, she sobbed.

I don’t know which hit me more, the fact that she just lost a baby or that her disposition at that time could affect her health and wellness. Thinking about different cases of miscarriages and stillbirths, I have come to realise that a lot of women who go through birth challenges, such as miscarriage or stillbirth, are often too hard on themselves. It is bad enough that you’ve just had an unpleasant situation, but allowing pressure – external and internal – to affect you, sometimes, lengthening the healing process, is not being fair to yourself.

Sometimes, we may not be prepared for certain challenges, but how we go through such times is very important. I will highlight some things that could be taken onboard in the face of birth challenges to promote your wellbeing.

Cry: Internalising pain could be self-destructive. Research has shown that crying helps to flush out negative chemicals from the body. According to Judith Orloff MD, the author of the New York Times bestseller, Emotional Freedom, “tears are your body’s release valve for stress, sadness, grief, anxiety and frustration… To stay healthy and release stress, I encourage patients to cry.”

On the other hand, it has been proven that crying too much is not good either. Thus, it’s good to cry as it eases the pain you feel, but do not grieve as one without hope. Zoning out or throwing yourself into work as a way of dealing with the pain might help you deal with the pain momentarily, but that would simply be circumventing the healing process. Let the tears flow!

Stop the blame game: Don’t beat yourself so hard. The mishap may have been due to mistakes that you made (you probably took on so much stress or took wrong/expired medication), but STOP blaming yourself. Though painful, accept what has happened and seek to know what may not have gone well and what you could have done better.

A friend of mine was told by the doctors that she had a miscarriage because the baby had chromosomal problems that won’t let the baby grow, so her body spontaneously ‘aborted’ it, but she wouldn’t take that. Instead, she kept thinking and telling anyone who cared to listen that she miscarried because she was not having “perfect” balanced diet when pregnant. Yes, you just read that! She knows better now?.

On the other hand, some women blame their husbands, the nurses, the doctors, … This does not in any way aid the healing process.

Forgive Yourself: If it applies to you, please forgive yourself. Like I mentioned earlier, you may have done some wrong things or you may have been careless, a woman who had stillbirth may keep replaying the last time she heard her baby’s heartbeat over and over again in her mind, refusing to forgive herself.

“I wish I went to the doctor immediately” , “I wish I called my mum, she would have known and advised right”, “I wish…”, “I wish…”.

Don’t be the woman who forgives everyone, but herself. Forgiveness is a proof of love; forgiving yourself tells me that you think you are worth it. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself.

Talk about it: Talking has a lot of benefits; it helps to relieve you of the emotions and helps you get a different (and possibly, better) perspective. Keeping all those emotions locked in could affect your wellbeing and the relationships around you because you might explode inappropriately or become bitter.

It is very necessary to talk, but speak to people you are comfortable and vulnerable with. This is why it is important to surround yourself with people who encourage you, people who are positive, people whose words can pick you up, no matter how down you feel.

More importantly, talk to GOD about it, tell Him how you feel. Some people attest to being upset with God in the face of such experience. Do not let what happened push you away from God, reach out to Him. Regardless of how you feel, He is the friend that sticks closer, always there! Special ‘talk sessions’ with God will heal your heart beyond your imagination.

Stop expecting a recurrence: Yes, stop expecting another loss, stop thinking you may miscarry again, stop wondering if the next pregnancy would be another stillbirth.

“…affliction shall not arise the second time.” Nahum 1:9

“Chidi, you don’t understand, it’s happened more than twice”, you whisper.

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28

“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalms 37:4

Don’t waste your pain: Do not let your life stop because of the experience you have been through, let it mould you into a stronger woman. Do not lock yourself in, or try to avoid people. Someone else could benefit from your experience. Encourage others with your experience; it does not have to be on a large scale, it could be one-to-one.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

‘Swim’ in the word: You need to load yourself with the word. Recharge, build your faith. Fast your doubts by feeding on the word. Dig deep into the promises of God for you.

“For nothing will be impossible with God.” Luke 1:37

Get a word from God and run with it.

“And blessed is she that believed: for there shall be a performance of those things which were told her from the Lord.” Luke 1:45

This too shall pass and like an Eagle, you shall rise from the experience with strength.

Rejoice!

Photo Credit: wise geek.org

Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships; a UK based solicitor with special interests in Family and Children Law. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents.

She also partners with her husband in running “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.