When I read write ups or listen to comments or pieces of advice aimed at singles on different platforms, sometimes I cringe. I cringe because many of them are words spoken, not to build up confidence, guide or educate, but to scare them. You read comments like, “if you make the wrong choice, your career and happiness would be ruined!” “Don’t make the wrong choice or you would carry your cross!” “Many people are only pretending, it is when you marry them that their true ‘colour’ will come out”.
These are facts in many situations, and I must say that many people who spread these fear-laced phrases have good intentions and genuinely want to prevent another family break-up before it begins.
However, I have spoken to many single people who are so scared of making mistakes that they won’t even step out to meet new people. Their lives revolve around work, church and home, hanging out with married friends when they do hang out. Some have been single for a while that they don’t realise that they have unconsciously built an impenetrable psychological fortress such that whoever indicates interest would almost have to go through an ‘FBI level forensic check’ before a date is agreed to.
Others respond to such comments by running after multiple relationships like corner-shop jackpot house because ‘you never know which one would work out’. Unbeknownst to them, desperation oozes out of every conversation they have with a potential spouse. I don’t know what it is, but human nature gets turned off by desperation. This is why those who demand respect the most never get it, those who beg for money never have it and those who are desperate to be loved attract ‘wolves and Sharks’.
It is true that choosing a spouse is a serious matter, which has long term effects on not just the people involved, but their extended families and communities. However, let’s keep it simple, marry your friend, marry someone you know and trust. This implies that you may have to expand your social network, pursue interests that resonate with you, many people have met their spouses this way. Don’t allow the fear of a negative experience in the past keep you from making progress or relating with the opposite sex. Challenge stereotypes like “all men are…”, “all women are…”, don’t judge 3 billion men/women on your experience of a handful.
…to be continued.
Victor Akunna
Romance & Relationship Catalyst
@familyaffairs05
www.foundationforfamilyaffairs.org
Photo Credit: kfetele.ro
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