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Marry your friend because friendship is an important pillar in lasting marriages!
How is she sure its her wayward past life that’s the problem? Has she done tests? Or has a doctor told her she can’t have kids? As someone that waited abit to have children, I know a lot of issues could be the reason. She shouldn’t jump into conclusions. I was convinced my past life was the issue back then too. She should take the tests in faith. Although she still needs to tell her husband the truth about her past. I know it will be difficult under these circumstances but he still needs to know. He will hurt or even get angry. It could even put the marriage in jeopardy but he deserves to know the truth about you if you truly love him. Christ not only redeems us from sin but also from its consequences. Have faith sister and God bless.
I like your first question – thinking outside the box. What if her husband is not able to manage the information?
I guess that is an outcome she has to be ready to face. This is a discussion they should have had before marriage. She can only hope for the best.
I have Three-Point-Advice for her:
1. REPENT: the beginning of a new life starts from TRUE REPENTANCE; doing this will draw God’s attention
to her case.
2. TRUE CONFESSION: this will disconnect or break the hold of her past and give her boldness to face the new life.
3. RESPONSIBILITY: She must be ready to bear consequences of her husbands reaction and decision! She should bear it in mind that, whether she tells the truth or lies, there will be consequences she should be ready to live with! But, she’ll only have God’s support to go through anything if and only if she tells the Truth. And if God see her efforts, according to His will for every wrong-doer/repentant being; HE may have compassion and Restore ALL she has lost to her wild past! Wishing you all the best.
True great man, God has a way of stepping into situations especially when He sees our sincere heart.
Hmmm……its a difficult situation.
You shd pray over it that God shd ease his heart after telling him.find the perfect time for such confession & the earlier the better so U̶̲̥̅̊я̩̥̊ heart can be @ peace.
Nice one @ Nafisat, there is a way and the time to share sensitive information.
Your past might have little or nothing to do with your present predicament but you still owe your husband that history……pray to God for forgiveness,mercy and a second chance………take the bold step of faith and follow you husband to take the test,who knows you might not be the reason for your delay……..its better to tell the truth and leave in peace than to hold-back and die of guilt……however do yourself a favor by not holding on to the past.
Awesome @ Olamilekan “…do yourself a favor by not holding on to the past.”
One of the greatest risk couples can take as regards their wedding, is counting on recouping their expenses on their wedding day from their financial gifts.
When people take each other for granted for a long time, they may eventually come to a snapping point.
Great article
Thank you great man!
Amazing article… great work. Victor and chidi !!
Marriage is a universal connection between two souls.. however things like physical chemistry, emotional bonding, or mutual understanding etc. must be nurtured every day. Its an on going process.. “to be with the flow, you have to flow….” One should not leave something on the other partner to understand your needs or desires by default. U have to build that friendship n keep nourishing it throughout.
Wow @ Kinshi, I love this comment “marriage is a universal connection between two souls…one should not leave something on the partner to understand your needs by default”. This is awesome!!!
Thank you for appreciating my efforts n understanding 🙂
Thanks Sir Victor! The beauty of every good thing is best seen and well received if done in the right Season, Time, Manner and Way! May God teach us to do the right things aright and always. Amen. More grace to You Sir!
Awesome point great man, doing the right thing “at the right time.”
I can’t take this anymore? I don’t think this is just about career. I understand that it is damaging to a man’s ego if his woman is higher than him; we want our women to look up to us.
But really we don’t mind women getting to the peak in their career. Our fears are usually will she have time for me and the kids? Will she still respect me? Won’t she put her career over family?
If you have been found wanting in these areas and many more, your husband will be afraid to let you go up because he will think that you will get worse.
I want you to examine yourself. You are saying you can’t take this anymore, what if your husband has had enough of you too. If you value your relationship, sit down with your husband, understand him and don’t go ahead until he understands you.
This is not a battle, it is a test. You cannot win it by fighting, it takes wisdom, understanding and patience.
@ It is a key observation you made…”I don’t think its just about career”. There may be more to it than her job, she can have a heart talk with him and try to find out what the rel issues are. Effective problem solving is a product of sound diagnosis.
This is usually a regular statement from a career woman occupied with office activities, board meetings, other engagements that he is not. I believed our women should understand the men’s frustration when they are not on the same pace with you.
Ego is one thing for a man that needs to be consistently oil by a woman if you want your hubby love, that’s the place of submission for a woman. I know if we ask our sister whether she has been submissive to this man, she will say yes. it is normal, but i feel you should review your submission again. Part of submission is making him see reasons you need to move on and seeing the reasons he asked you to hold on; you never can tell he might saving your head. another thing is to help him with his career as well, maybe he will get charged and encourage again.
I know men’s ego sometimes makes them petty, but that will not stop them from overlooking kindness, love and a clear ssubmission.
Go back to the first time you got married, try to remember those things that spark up your relationship and introduced it again, gradually without mentioning the topic of career switch, for sometimes and later try to understand the reasons for restricting you or know his fears, then try to address it.
Nice comment @ Olalekan, “go back to the first time you married, try to remember those things that spark up relationship and introduce them again”. Sometimes the real issues in marriage are often fundamental not what most people thing they are.
Do you think she is making the right choice?
The good thing is that you already know how he is before you marry him. If u go ahead and marry him, don’t act surprised when he doesn’t change his ways. The way he is now is how he is gonna be. The only way he can change is thru u praying and fasting on his behalf. The Holy Spirit can change that about him if he is susceptible to the Holy Spirit. And u gotta do a lot of work by learning how to handle d situation and also communicate your feelings without being combative. Before u get hitched u both can engage in couples’ therapy so that u can address such issues. If u r able to find a Christian based therapist, that would be awesome.
I also believe that if others r raising red flags about him, perhaps, u should take a step back. Pray , and figure if this is there man God has for you. Don’t rush into anything. Marriage is supposed to be for d rest of ur life. Go into it knowing u r not coming out of it. Think twice BEFORE u marry. Pray, pray, and pray some more. Allow the Holy Spirit to be ur guide.
you need to think critically before settling down. A man who cannot exhibit some form of self control when it comes to staring is a red flag. What kind of dressing is he most attracted to? that will give you a hint on his personality. If he keeps staring at women who are not decently dressed, my dear, that is a red flag. Nevertheless, try to politely and lovingly talk to him about it. Tell him also that you are willing to improve on your dressing, but to a decent one. I must advice you to be yourself always and be happy with who you are.
I do not want to scare you but such men are prone to cheating. Most importantly, keep praying, don’t rush things.
Michelle and Chinwe said it all. You can’t change any man except the Holy Ghost. You can take it slow and be prayerful remember this ..some friends are for a reason some are for a season and some are forever. Don’t use the former for the later..Allow God and time. Anyone coming for you should be focus and ready to help you and not exhibit some ill acts and tell you “cover up lies. No one is perfect but we should be ok with what God has given us. Some folks are never satisfied even if you dress like your friends they may never change. Let God direct and help us. Hallelujah.
Infact, Michelle and Chinwe have said the right words. I would encourage you to look before you leap. God won’t come down to teach you. He has given us wisdom to apply in every situation.
Sister, a pig is a pig no matter what u do keep it clean, because that’s d nature, he will never change so u batter think well before going on to say l do; because there is no going back when once you say l do, that’s it, you are in for a bigger trouble because he will always justify his actions. If you are not good enough for him now to look at, you will never be. good enough for him after marriage.
Let’s Cal a spade a spade oº°˚˚˚° a guy that stares @ anything in Skirt…wud want to have his way if opportunity calls so Its better she talk to her legs before
its late.
You are indeed a very Lucky lady to have seen this terrible, shameful and disheartening red flag from your man’s side! It’s a very bad habit that can’t be gotten rid of in a year of even tough and steady counselling sessions! Please dear, make up your mind now if U wanna live with this kind of man for the rest of your life and save yourself the shame and fear of having your man look at your neighbour’s younger sista or friend everytime! And my dear Sister, be prepared to get worst scenarios when u r hitched! A man who stares at other ladies even while U r with him now definitely will show no better regard or respect to/for you when U r finally married to him! You had better don’t get into it, or get into it and die of heart ache and frustration later! Best Wishes Sis
My dear, thanks for sharing. First, men are moved by sight and if you are observant, you would find that almost all men are guilty of staring, except that the emotionally intelligent ones are few. However, your being uncomfortable indicates that he doesn’t respect your presence and that’s a problem because you would most likely have given him both verbal and non-verbal cues. Secondly, he perpetually comparing you to other female friends is insulting and I would suggest you both discuss how you feel. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with his approach, or you both can’t reach a rational meeting point, I’ll suggest you take time to evaluate what you can tolerate in lifetime and what you won’t and talk to people who can give you unbiased advise. All the best dear
Can a man who does not value or love you for who you are today, do so 5 years down the line? Remember that choosing a life partner is a life-changing decision, so don’t be sentimental.
When I tell ppl to think twice wen ur family have their “BUT” about their spouse it sounds funny. Really in my little idea thr is nothing to talk about. He is not good for her n will break her heart deeply wen they get married. So girlfriend talk to your heels when you still can no man will love you and humilate you continuously like da. Sorry no two ways to say this: leave him he is not ready and not good for you bcos u woundnt b good for him wen u get married
Let’s Cal a spade a spade oº°˚˚˚° a guy that stares @ anything in Skirt…wud want to have his way if opportunity calls so Its better she talk to her legs before its late
A man should protect his lady’s interests, not damage her esteem. It’s healthy to POLITELY comment on your dressing, that is, if it is not comely. Making comparisons can very easily lead to low self esteem. I don’t think he has any respect for you. Why should you look like his female friends? Look like you. Be you. I suggest you talk to him about the staring, how he responds will give you a clue about how the next 60 years with him would be. People don’t change because you want them to. Right here, right now, the ball is in your court, dear lady. Once you say “I do”, your desires become subject to his. Right now, you hold the cards. What are you not comfortable with? Project 60years from now. Can you live with those vices? Again, do not ignore the misgivings of your family and friends, they can very easily see what is in your blind spot because they are not emotionally involved with your partner. Most importantly, PRAY. God knows more about your marital future than you do. He knows exactly how things will turn out. A broken relationship is far better than a broken marriage. Shalom!
I join your friends and family in raising alarm oh. Please take and step back and look again. He is killing your self esteem and NO that is not love.
There are some things we need to endure if we want to settle down with a person. Remember,every body have one or two weakneses.Let me tell you that if you cannot bear that now,you can’t once you people start off officialy. I advice you pray,think,and pray again before…… Goodluck to you.
My dear I pray you read n accept all the advices given to you by everyone here,that man is not a husband material at all.thank God he showed you in time the kind of man he is.may the good lord help you in making the right decision!
Most adults do not change! I’m afraid even talking to him about it might not lead to LASTING change; people can suppress an attitude only for a while, not forever. Also, it’s difficult to unlearn things one has been doing for so many years and is probably already set in his ways. Ask yourself if you can live with whatever you see. If you can, fine and good. If you can’t, better opt out and keep moving. I personally like to think that people don’t change. What you see is what you get. God bless us.
The Bible says that …’the heart of a king is in the hands of God and He wills (Directs) it as He please’… take this seemingly difficult situation to ur Father and watch Him make it all simple. your husband would get mad but I bet he’ll love you even more. This is when ‘his love’ is tried….
@Kinshi that is a whole sermon. Well said. I have come realise that marriage/Friendship is “Work”, it takes great effort and ‘understanding our partners peculiar emotional swing mood to make relationships sweet/smooth. God help us all.
Could this be a test faith? Sometimes, obstacles like this help bring couples together.
Hmm even without her faith and beliefs dat kind of pressure is already an obstacle for anyone trying to conceive. If this relationship is from God she has to trust him to change the hearts of the parents. And the groom needs to stand up to his parents if he also shares the same belief. Let dem know even if she was willing he is not.
You said your “faith” so I want to believe you know God. God’s word is final and needs no debate. His ways are perfect for us, so if you decide to choose your love for a man rather than His ways then you should be prepared to walk alone without Him for the rest of your life. What even guarantees your getting pregnant for the next 5 years if you start having sex? At the end of the day you might end up losing your virginity, self confidence and you might even lose your fiance. Sister if you have waited this long, don’t throw it away cheaply.
I must first of all appreciate you for keeping your self till this time. And I want you to know that God your father appreciates that more.
I want to begin by stating that His family has something to protect as much as you have something to protect. The question is: which is more important?
My answer is: God is more interested in You, Ɣ☺ΰЯ Life (Present and Future) than any family legacy or something and you can’t let God down!
At this level, God is ready to go ALL the mile with You if and only if you’ll trust Him to finish Strong with You and NOT draw back cos, God has no pleasure in them that draw back!
However, Its not what ONLY you can handle @ this time. Its tough as it is, but will be tougher if the guy (Ɣ☺ΰЯ husband-to-be) get tired and decides to accept his parent’s stand! Know that two cannot walk or succeed UNLESS they agree! You shld make every effort (prayer-fully) to keep the Man strong on her side.
Also look out for family friends, elders or pastors whom U think your husband-to-be’s parent would listen to; so they could help talk to them!
Your Parents (or relations); those who believe in You and what you stand for and as well relate with his family in this marriage affairs also have a part to play in this matter! They should try to talk to them on your behalf and God will honour His Word and glorify Hiself in you!
You’ve not come this far to turn back or fail! You need God and people God can use to make them see reasons with U! But Ɣ☺ΰЯ Steadfastness, total dependence on God, Prayers, Faith and Hope, amongst other things will keep U strong and able to sail thru all of these!
I join you in this tough times and believe God with You that you are MORE than a CONQUEROR!
God bless and strenghten You. Amen!
I must admit its a tough situation for such a lady who has come a long way keeping herself intact and making her relationship work to the point of planning their wedding. However she should know that if she give in to her in-laws plan and gets pregnant before marrying the young man,there is no certainty that she would deliver the baby and if that happens what they fear the most has eventually happened and a beginning of more troubles/challenges to come
Secondly, if she dances to her in-laws tunes now,she might be giving them an access to control their home which might be another great challenge for her in the future. But in all of these, she should remember that she cannot fight this alone. She should go to God in prayers for divine intervention,more-so,she can look for people(family and friends) around who her in-laws do listen to,to help persuade them to consider their decision and change it.
Bottom line is,she should just ask for the help of the Holy Spirit here,have faith and maintain her stand alongside her husband-to-be.
Here lies one of the eight tests of true love – “The habit test”…Don’t go into marriage with the mindset that he will change his habit when you both are married; for habit(s) can’t be changed rather you ask yourself if you can live with his habit even as married couple. The choice is entirely yours!
You and your fiance should spend time praying, this is an opportunity to settle other unforeseen problems spiritually. It’s a test and hopefully the outcome will be to your advantage.
Sometimes, parents respond this way because of culture, fear and even selfishness. However, is it healthy to have parents in-laws with this type of control on their mature son?
Im glad your Fiance is on our side and not putting that pressure on you. It therefore means that both of you should start strong in prayer believing God to change their hearts. Remember, the heart of kings are in God’s hands (Ps 21:1).
let me share with you my little story. of my. Every thing was moving on well , untill we got to the stage of tying the knot with my Ex Fiance (if there is anything like that). His mum travelled to the US where he is based for a surgery, infact that even delayed the wedding (you can imagine). when she returned, I guessed she needed someone to be her nurse or so, but i noticed some changes. He suddenly said I should resign from my job as a pharmacist and go and stay with his mum (very ridiculous right?), claiming he was going to pay me on a monthly basis. His mum and dad were the ones pushing him to do so. I said no no no!!!. When he returned to Nigeria, we had to discuss my plans for the future and it was at that point i realised he wasnt even going to support my career plans, infact he said carelessly said he wont let me do anything when i come over to US to join him, even though he denied saying he was joking, but it was a strong statement. Even after persuading him on why its not even advisable to stay with his mum, it didnt change his mind, because he had pressure from his family. I had to call it qiut oo, even though it was painful and it was a 2yr relationship. But today, Im happily married to a man who supports my dreams, knows my vision in life , and is there for me. We just finished our masters programme in South Africa, and have enrolled for PhD.
Please do not give in to their pressures even if your Fiance gives up. I assure you, you will not regret it. His parents are just being selfish, and it means they might want to run your home in the future. If you eventually succeed in winning their hearts, they will eventually know your worth and respect you.
Please do not compromise your standard. There are many young women out there who need to be inspired by you, and God who kept you til this very moment will not let you down.
It’s a tough situation, but not an insurmountable one. It’s an issue that needs to be sorted out on her knees, there’s no heart too hard that God cannot change. Thank God your fiance is in agreement with your stand, he needs to be more decisive and firm with his parents on the decision you both have made, to keep the marriage bed undefiled. If you both give in to his parents pressure now, don’t be surprised when they take decisions for your home after the wedding, that’s why you both need to be firm in your decision. It is well with you.
Good thing you and hubby are on the same page. However, such control from your parents in-law (to be) is very unhealthy. Actually your fiance needs to have a firm and frank(yet respectful) talk with his parents to join you both on your stance. Afterall, it’s you and your fiance who would be together forever. I would imagine his parents are not christian, hence their demand for you to take-in before the marriage proceedings begin. Prayer is key as well. You and hubby should pray for conviction. But if he is leaning more on the side of his parents and titlting towards compromising the christian values of chastity which you both hold, then I’m afraid you have to re-evaluate the whole relationship to assess if it’s woth continuing or not. Obedience to God is always better than sacrifice.
Please ignore typos as this was done in a rush:
Tiilting**
Worth**
Some people think that the man may later be disrespected, especially if he is the age of his wife’s younger brother. Is this always true?
U just have to be patient, they would still shift ground and succumb to ur wish. Try involving family members that can influence your parent to talk to them.
The guy should seat with his parent , most especially his father ( men are more logical) for better understanding why the rejection. This is Africa , Nija for that matter. No matter what, we can’t separate in -laws from marriages in this part of the world we can only minimize interference.
At every point in time as long as they are alive you would need them for one thing or the other, if he goes ahead against their wish, the woman would be victimised & at this point he would be powerless.
So my 2kobo is seek your parents concert on both sides if not quit, there is no legal / spiritual binding yet. God bless you.
Beautiful piece
Many thanks at Temmy
I realise this is weird in the African culture. However, if she is your wife as destined by God then your parent would sure grant their. Love will conquer with time. All you have to do now is to keep praying.
Preference, some people do mind and some don’t. What matters is one’s happiness in the end.
I think you as the man should seat back and ask yourself why your parents are opposed to the union, look at it from their point, if it’s only the age issue then that is minute but if your parents have other reasons for disagreeing to your union,find out before you make any mistake. Most times, love really blinds us to certain things that another party especially our parents can see. Thanks, God bless.
If age is the ONLY reason your parents advanced for denying to bless your union with your wife-to-be, then I don’t think you have any problem. It’s only as good as u think it, or as bad as you think it. You’re adults and I presume you know what is good for you. If it’s the will of God, proceed with marriage plans; whoever would come along, would come along.
Weldone mr victor. But if ds scenario is true, then the lady doesn’t need any advice. She heard “wait”, so what advice does she still need?
Advice, at times, is looking for a way to justify our neglect of the obvious.
Wait dear. Since you’re a woman of prayer, God must have some better plans in stock.
Wait. It won’t be long.
Hmmm “advice, at times, is looking for a way to justify our neglect of the obvious” deep words.
My dear,first of all,you have to know why he is divorced;this will go a long way to determine if he is worth you!if you indeed heard a ‘wait’ from God,why not ask why,for who or how long?marriage is more than a game of chance my dear!
Nice one @ Mim “marriage is more than a game of chance”
My dear, let me talk to you like a sister. Wait means wait on God. You’re worth more than a divorcee. Divorce is not the end of marriage, death is. Marriage is for life and you deserve to be happy till you die. Don’t marry second hand, you need chassis. Your single handsome youngman wwill soon show up for marriage, so wait. But you must disconnect from the divorcee. Concentrate on God, at 28 you’re not too old for marriage, you’re just ripe for it. Please don’t marry a divorcee, what happensIif he reconciles with the wife? ?What will you do? Second wife is not an option, you have a wonderful life ahead of you. Be wise.
Hmmmmmm @ ijefyne “What of if he reconciles with the wife?” That’s a smart question to ask.
She should please listen to the voice n wait. Marriage is not to b rushed in, moreso its a lifetym commitment.
Nice one @ Hannah David, “Marriage is a lifetime commitment”. It must not be rushed into.
My Dearest Sister, I congratulate you for the grace and mercy God has shown to You by Speaking to You! Many Singles inquired of the Lord concerning their to be partners before getting married to them and I can boldly tell You that Most of these people don’t get this rare and true response from the Lord and are suffering for it simply because they made their decisions without waiting for God to speak clearly.
God has made it clear to You by asking You to wait and it could be for two reasons, to make you see clearly what You are going into or to position you well before you go into the marriage with this man!
I advise You to be extra patient and be Sensitive more about what Your decisions could cause. Never rush into a marriage that God isn’t involved in because I can assure you, he won’t show mercy in time when the regrets, tears and sorrows starts!
And most of all, this man you are talking about should be the one making much more efforts in this whole issue but it sure looks like you are the one who’s desperate!
I pray that the Lord will open your eyes and make you see life beyond just being in love instead of living a life of purpose as God wishes for You if only You will obey his voice.
It’s true that the man should make a lot more effort. Men are designed to chase and not to be chased.
Na wa oo. If at 28 u r so much in a hurry to get stock wit a divorcee after the word wait that means you could marry anybody’s husband oo either divorced or not. Abbi beko?hmmm fine yopung girl love dey for body u dnt knw is serious affairs. If u love life u must plan it well. Really dnt get me wrong dat iyts nt gud to marry a divorce but whr u need the head use it and where u need the Legs use them. Lobatan
Lol @ Olori
Can a successful marriage evolve from online dating and relationship?
You will need ample time to get to know (study) her because the internet is a place where one can take on an identity different from who they are. My chance to marry someone I dated/met online is 1:1000000…my take!
So true @ Mim, sometimes people create fictitious profiles online to attract unsuspecting partners. However, I like to say that it is important you ‘investigate before you affectionate’, wink.
That’s a decision that can be made only after meeting the person physically, and finding out whether he/she ticks the boxes on your list of “requirements” or expectations. The meetings/dates need to be mostly physical and as frequent as possible. These are only guidelines though. To each, his own.
Nice one @ Kwandah
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Online Social Media(OSM) should ONLY be used for the purpose of connection. After connecting,every other thing should please,be OFFLINE. Marriage can be very mean when dealing with those who joke with her institution! #QuickDownloads™101
WARNING: Potential spouses should be drawn from your pool of close/covenant friends of the opposite sex – friends with whom you share the same VALUES,BELIEFS &GOALS(VBGs),friends that you have known over time without romance attached,and can vouch for their CHARACTER. Anything outside of this,comes with a lot of unnecessary risks. That is one of the reasons why our time should be spent on being a friend by building FUNCTIONAL FRIENDSHIPS that we can bequeath to our children. Do this,and you will never lack the right suitors if you are a lady,nor good ‘wife-materials’ if you are a man.
Recommended BOOK:
1. Waiting and Dating: A sensible Guide To Fulfilling Love Relationships,by Myles Munroe #QuickDownloads™101
Get help@ http://goo.gl/a7zKyk
Ecclesiastes 4:10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. but pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Marriage is to help enhance each other but also both spirits should be one with another. marriage with two different spirits not agreeing on anything doesn’t work, and its always good that two of you have something you’re both bringing to the table that will strengthen both of you. Changes come in a marriage because at the onset, we do not present our true self, which cannot be hidden for too long and cause issues when one begins to show their true character. If the person is the chosen one from God, it ain’t really necessary to try and impress, we need to be ourselves. Howbeit, difficult as it may be.
I could not resist commenting. Perfectly written!
Always on point. nice one
Thank you great man!
Hmm…This is indeed a romance masterclass!
Lol, many thanks, Spotless!
Hmmm, what an experience. My brother was in this same situation, he had to invite a counselor they both respect.
I agree with you Mary, but the truth is that it takes two people to bring a relationship to its present state. We all contribute both directly or indirectly. Hence, rather than pointing accusing fingers at his wife, he should begin by looking inward.
I sure know you always have stuff to dish out! It’s an addition. Well done and never relent in posting.
God bless you brother.
Thank you so much awesome woman, your comments are really rich and timely. Please, kindly send us your email address through our contact us form. We would like to send you a free e-book for your comments and contributions. God bless you
A lot of good advice here. The point is you need to do a good research on why he divorced his wife even after 3 children! That tells me he can divorce you too after one child or 5!
However, the word of God even warns us against marrying divorcees as long as their ex is still alive!
Asides, are you ready @28, to take up the responsibilities of 3 children before even having yours as a single lady that has never married?
Even as I type this (i just hope you get to read this), I sense that the hold on means you should be patient for your own God ordained husband to show up!
You deserve a beautiful life, please don’t complicate it with a man who has not only tasted marriage, but also eaten it well already with 3 kids to show. Wow!
Hmm @ Bukola, practical pieces of advice, “wait for your God ordained husband”, ” do a research on why he divorced his wife even after three children”. Research shows that the probability of individuals divorcing doubles after their first one.
She has chosen to put herself through an emotional wringer, which of cause will not help her, and may also hinder conception. She needs to put her mind off her situation first, celebrate those whom God has blessed with what she dearly wants, hope on God to bless her soon with her own bundle of joy. On the other hand, if it’s possible, excuse her from such gatherings, though that really may not be possible every time, and is sure not a solution. She needs to find peace in the midst of her storm.
Great points @ Adeola,, psychologists and medical personnel often advise that couples relax themselves because anxiety can be a clog in the wheel of conception. He can encourage and pray with her because the ‘shoe’ she is wearing is not palatable, especially in African settings where people can be stigmatized for not having a child.
Values differ according to ones background. Continue to be hopeful that your wives expectation will soon happen. I must pray for you.
God is surely faithful to His words “Psalm 128:3-6 ESV
“Your wife will be like a fruitful vine within your house; your children will be like olive shoots around your table. Behold, thus shall the man be blessed who fears the Lord. The Lord bless you from Zion! May you see the prosperity of Jerusalem all the days of your life! May you see your children’s children! Peace be upon Israel!”
.Happy weekend. Her refusal to be comforted after all you have told her and all you did,indicates that she have a skeleton in her box that have made it difficult for babies to come. So,you ask her if there is any thing she did in the past that she has not told you. Finally,ask her what else she wants you or both of you to do. Best Wishes.
Thanks @ Ugobino, it’s true that some women have ‘skeletons’ in their cupboards which they sometimes don’t declare to their husbands. However, it is wrong to assume that every delay in birth or conception is connected to that. More so, God gives new opportunities for us all to start all over again.
Hmmm…! Do one ever get comforted with drinks other than water when there is so much thirst? U have to b in d shoe to understand the fit. Honestly nothing you can do than to keep showing more love n understanding more maturity. This is the time u show that lov d more. Rememba sarah was truely loved too but she still dnt stop cryn. Note also that its not her fault that she cant stop cryn n nt dat she dnt undwrstand ur love. She is unxpresaably pained.. and its nt for her past oo.. so many ppl witout oast n went tru painful monent check out Job. So b strong for ur love u gat more to do
Very true @ Olori, it is an experience that only the woman in question can understand. However, he must continue to encourage her, because it would end in praise!
My wife and I waited too before we had our daughter and I can say I can relate to what you’re going through. First, let me assure you that there will be more crying (if the waiting persists)! Women are emotionally wired and by crying she is actually expressing what is in her heart. Be patient and show more understanding. I know it is easier said than done but it’s something you have to be prepared to do. Secondly, have you guys done tests? Its important to know if there are any issues so you can pray more accurately. Sometimes, it can be as simple as clearing up a latent infection or correcting a hormonal imbalance. I suggest you guys take some tests if you haven’t already. Lastly, it is God that gives children and there are some children out there that need the love and warmth of a parent. My wife and I told ourselves that we will adopt after the fifth year if we were still waiting.. That is always an option and I personally do not see anything wrong with it. I join my faith with yours and I pray that this year will not end without your family being visited with the joy of the fruit of the womb. God bless you guys as you wait on God.
Wonderful comment @ Femi, “Running tests to gather knowledge in order to pray more accurately. God is the one who gives children” Including the consideration of adoption, I know some families have reservations about this, but everything must be considered with an open mind, who knows.
This is one of the best articles I have read so far on this topic. I find it down-to-earthly practical!
I really like this blog. Well done guys 🙂
Thank you so much Laura for the feedback.
tnks very much for this… u really open my mind abt relationship
You are most welcome Tolani, please share the link with your friends 🙂
So, do u think that husband and wife should have only joint bank accounts or is it okay if they have some joint accounts and some personal accounts as long as both have free access to each other’s personal accounts just like their joint?
Thank you @ Michelle for your question, I think the right answer depends on each family’s present phase, values and unique needs. Some spouses decide to have personal accounts which can be accessed by their spouses, some spouses agree to have personal accounts in which they keep a minimal amount of money for use, without consulting their spouses, others decide to pool all their resources into a joint account and then create specific accounts for different purposes such as rent, mortgage, self-development, charity, college fees, investment, etc. The key thing is to be transparent and work as a team. Couples accomplish 10 times more when they leverage on synergy.
Nice article Ma. This is a must read for everyone.
Thanks a lot, awesome woman!
Awesome information. I think the worst kind of abuse is emotional abuse/psychological dominance. It’s terrible. Affects d victim’s self esteem much deeper than the physical abuse and much more difficult to overcome.
What would u say the best way to deal with psychological abuse is?
Also, in d Christian society, is it advisable for the victim to separate from their spouse in order to deal with d abuse and perhaps, seek counseling in order to try to mend d relationship? Some Christians believe that it does the couple more harm than good to separate as it is the first step to divorce.
Third question: If things never get better, does the victim stay “for better or worse”?
Thank you for your compliment and more importantly, your questions. In our opinion, psychological abuse is as harmful as physical abuse, and in some cases, more harmful. This form of abuse is often not talked about by people, sometimes because they are often not physical, but this does not negate the debilitating impact it has on victims.
Hence, if it gets to the point of losing your sanity, emotional well-being or mental health, please, temporarily leave the ‘war zone’ until the process of arbitration is put in place to address the issues.
However, this must be after you have involved a third party such as a trained and experienced counsellor. if that does not work, involve your community, particularly your church community. They should be able to let you know the next move; every situation is unique.
Hmm, sorry for your friend, guys these days are looking for where to get the highest benefit. One thing about time wasters is their frequent excuses and dodgy moves. They also like to use you up because they know they will leave eventually.
@ Laura, nice point on “dodgy moves”. In as much as it is good to be trusting, it is wise to check out things you are unclear about. Politely ask questions, don’t just accept things at face value. If you are to invest your resources in an organization, you would probably find out details about that organisation. Hence, if you are going to spend (invest) the rest of your life with someone, you need to be certain that that he/she is the right one. Above all, you need trusted mentors, experienced people and the Spirit of God, to help you check out what you may not notice because you are in love.
6yrs with no solid committment? Did he tell her he had intentions of marrying her? I bet d signs were already there; excuses made, procrastinations, e.t.c. As women, we r gifted with being highly perceptive (when we put aside paranoia, of course) and it serves us well to adhere to those instincts. If we feel something does not quite seem right, we need to take time out to pray and also to search our hearts. Also discuss with d guy and find out what his intentions are.
With all that being said, things still do happen and pple take sudden or drastic decisions. I’m sorry ur friend’s heart got broken. But, inform her that God does have a better plan for her. She should hold her head up, look to God, and expect good things. God be her solace.
@ Michelle, very true – women are intuitive and must take advantage of this gift. However, nobody can go wrong while depending on God’s guidance.
Time wasters are guys not ready for marriage. Your friend who was dating the guy for 6 years most probably started dating him at a time when both of them had no business dating. He was probably still in school and struggling or out of school and just trying to build himself. Dating is also often confused with sleeping with each other. We are a people who do not just want to wait for marriage before getting into bed with someone we fancy. So, for a woman (not a girl who should be studying/preparing herself for womanhood and life in general), who is looking to date a guy and get married, the signs are there. We just choose to ignore them or hope.
A guy who is really into you would want to be friends first, date you (taking you to many fun places to spend time with you and get to know you)…..caveat: It might turn out from here that you both find out you’re not meant for each other. If all goes well, he’ll want to meet with the family, ask you to marry him, then actually marry you before getting into bed with you. Just my own thoughts on the matter.
Great job Chidi and Victor Akunna!
Great Evening to you all. We would commence in 8 minutes
Please feel free to ask your question and leave your comments
Statistics about marriage in the US, UK and different countries across the globe as regards failing marriages is not encouraging. Everyone seems to be saying that marriage is hard for different reasons. Sometimes, I ask where are the positive examples?
He was very nice to me and we had wonderful moments together, but he suddenly went distant and the relationship fizzled out. After one year 3months, he returns and is pleading with me to take him back. Is he a potential spouse?
This is a practical question, and you are in the right place? You are most welcome 🙂
Many times, singles approach us to ask different questions as regards recognising Mr./Mrs. Right; how do I make the right choice?
What should a single person look out for in a Potential Spouse?
1. The person must have a vision, a direction for his or life.
As a couple, our duty is to help each other fulfill destiny. Does he challenge you to aspire and pursue your goals? Does he plan to put make you a full-time house wife, contrary to your goals and plans. There is nothing wrong with being a house wife if that is your goal or your temporary focus in order to raise the children. However, if it is against your life mission or view, please take a closer look.
We would address specific questions at 6:50pm
2. Is he always thinking of what to grab from you, abusing your femininity… Some men only see ‘body parts’ when they see ladies. If his eyes keeps moving and roving …
What if he claims he has a vision and you can’t make sense of it?
Great question, many people claim to have vision, but 3 years down the line, they have nothing to show. If he truly has one, it will begin to show… How? 1. It would determine his behaviour. 2. His plans. 3. His spending; vision always speaks. It would consume him 4. His conversations would be seasoned by it. etc
3. Does she have the capacity to forgive? The inability to forgive is a serious warning sign. In marriage, conflict management and resolution will take place from time to time when different issues come up. Hence, if you have someone who cannot forgive minor issues, hmm…
Attributes to look for in a man
1. Genuine fear of God
2. Responsible- can he take care of himself?does he take care of his parents or siblings? Etc
3. Future plans – lookout for potentials those are great men in the future. Michelle saw it in Obama
Great points at Grace. Being responsible is very critical. There would be bills to be paid, problems to be solved, goals, deadlines, etc Marriage is real life. You need someone you can trust to achieve things with…
4. A Potential Spouse would not be ‘needy’. Marriage is the coming together of two independent and whole individuals. If you have someone who cannot think or do anything without you, needs you to do everything for them, you need to check his/her background. Some people were spoilt silly, such that they can barely help themselves or achieve any worthwhile goal.
I have a rather radical view when it comes to what to look our for before marrying. Needless to say many do not agree with my position.
It is my opinion that it is impossible to “truly” know your spouse until you are married especually in the christian context. Reason is that alot of your interactions are guarded and limited and if you are unlucky to be with a pretencious individual, you could be for a shocker!
For example, if my wife knew how loudly I snore, we probably would not be married now! lucky me! What am I trying to say? Marriage is a journey of discovery and you will see something’s along the way that you don’t like and didn’t bargain for. What I am saying is that you probably might not who your spouse really is until you start living together. I mean those little things that make your spouse who they really are. All you see during courtship is only a preview. The real movie begins after you say”I do”!
So, what is my suggestion? Marry a friend! A really good friend! Of course, the direction of the Holy Spirit is very important, but close on the heels of that is true friendship. Haven’t you seen how very good friends are able to forgive one another easily. Also, they are able to be honest with each other, at least most of the time. I put friendship before the sparks and romance. Trust me, all that might fail but friendship will keep you guys going.
Awesome points… marry a friend! A friend you can be yourself With; whom you can be ‘real’ with, you don’t have to ‘act or form’. 🙂
@Femi – I am of the opinion that people should talk, talk and talk during courtship. If they do, some things would not be shocking after getting married. Thus, they should both know the big and small things. Of course, some discoveries would be made after marriage. We keep discovering ourselves everyday, but they should talk about everything.
Awesome @ Anonymous, lol. I remember someone who came for a coaching session. She was concerned about a relationship she was in at the time. He goes off for a long period of time… and never calls. After a long time, he would call with different excuses about his phone not being with him, busy at work, network issues, etc. It turned out that he was seeing someone else…
A potential spouse must be open and transparent, nothing hidden. There should be no BIG surprises after Marriage as that could be considered deceitful.
5. Emotional stability. You don’t want someone who is happy this minute and moody the next. Always fluctuating, you don’t know what to expect. He/she is not predictable. Instability, can lead to costly mistakes as a result of bad decisions.
6. A Potential Spouse should have an authority figure in his or her life. Someone who can call him or her to order. Humility is power under control.
7. The man should have a job. Something he can do to earn a living in order to look after his family.
8. A Potential Spouse, must have a relationship with God; consistent walk with God, the type that shows in character and attitudes. Many people claim to be Christians but do not have ‘fruits’
Please ask your questions…
If he is so controlling and takes you away from all your friends, check again
Being in love should not leave you feeling less. A potential spouse builds the esteem of a loved one.
If his actions trigger fear each time you think of him, beware! “Perfect love casts away fear
If she does not respect you before marriage, nothing guarantees she would after the wedding.
The way he relates with the ladies around him, including his mother and sisters, says a lot about his person
The way you dress speaks volumes. Your appearance would reveal if you know how precious your body is.
Trashing others with his/her words is a red flag
Does he have commitment issues; moving from job to job, relationship to relationship,..? You may want to check again
The moment I’ve been waiting for! If I am stuck with someone who has a lot of negative traits, so obviously not a potential spouse, how can I call it quit? I wouldn’t want to be perceived as one who took advantage of someone.
What do you mean by negative traits, can you give examples?
Good evening Great Ladies and Gentle Men in the house. Considering the topic at hand, a couple as I understand refers to a Man and a woman with one destiny (even though they are two different individuals).
Hence, in looking out for a Spouse, One is adviced to look for the following:
1. An individual ready to run with one vision untill they both arrive at their Destiny
2. An Individual whom will NOT see and potray self, but the Union
3. An individual whose ultmost worship to is to author and giver of their Destiny and acknowledges same as the reason for the Union.
Great point @ Chubi, an individual who will portray and focus on the union, just like Jimmy Evans said
“Marriage is brutal on selfish people”
What should I be doing while I wait to be found?
Please, don’t put your life on hold, keep growing, learning and pursuing your goals.
Make friends and expand your circle of friendship.
Work on your self-esteem, because a Potential Spouse may walk away when they sense desperation.
Do something or a hobby you love.
Live your life, don’t put it on hold for anything.
Where can I find someone to marry?
Look amongst your friends, it is better to marry a friend like we said earlier. Friendship should be the foundation of every marriage. Those who are not friends, sometimes grow apart…
How do I recognize God’s perfect will for me?
Be cautious of people who say to you “God said you are my spouse; it’s either they are spiritually immature, manipulative, or confused. More so, you will have peace about it. God guides with inner-peace.
You also need to know what you want etc
Thank you all for joining us. We ask that God will guide you into making the right choice in Jesus name
Till our next discussion, bye for now.
NB: You can still drop your questions, if you have any, we would respond.
He is never straight, always evasive, lies,… Started noticing these recently
As the saying goes, “a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage”, but this does not imply that one should break a relationship at the slightest sign of a flaw. Marriage involves tolerance because there are no perfect individuals. We are all work in progress. However, based on what you said, “he is never straight, always evasive, lies,…”, it appears he has integrity issues which raise red flags. At the end of the day, what we get married to is the nature and character of a person. The question is can you stand his lack of integrity?
If you are single, please send us a message through our contact us page to get a free e-book on marrying well.
Well I really enjoyed reading it. This information procured by you is very practical for correct planning.
Thanks!
Thanks!
You are d man sir! Thanks for all d inspirations.
Thanks a lot great woman!
Taking her hubby’s quiet personality for granted is dangerous. Such men take in so much and ‘suddenly’ snap to the amazement of their wives. You may need to point out to her the danger in acting the way she is doing. On the other hand, is there someone she listens to? That person may be able to call her to order. She may not even know her actions can destroy her marriage.
When you or your spouse do not have an authority figure that you are accountable to; someone that can caution you, call you to order or tell you to stop, there is danger. Having said that, there is a limit to what you can do because of the following reasons:
1. You are younger
2. She may think you don’t have much to offer because you have a younger marriage.
3. She is obviously not teachable as she does not listen to anyone.
The Bible says that “whoever stubbornly refuses to accept criticism will suddenly be destroyed beyond recovery.” Proverbs 29:1. There are people who would not listen to anyone, but that does not mean you have to fold your hands and watch. You need to get someone (e.g.someone in a higher place of authority with good conflict resolution skills) who can tell her off – she may fight back, but may go back to think about it. If she does not heed, there isn’t much you can do. You cannot force anyone to change because change is a personal responsibility. Don’t stop praying for her.
Why do people allow things get out of hand before they seek for help?
We are always been wispered to, each time we may want to go far or act stupid due to anger. If only we can know when the spirit wisperes to us. Also to control and manage anger,we should take a deep breath and have a second thought about what we are about to do,each time we are angry. To me,I remains silent for a long time,to control my anger. God Bless you Chidi&Victor for this article.
Amen, thank you Ugobino for your comment!
Greetings! Really beneficial guidance on this informative article!
Hi, just wanted to tell you, I enjoyed this post. It was inspiring.Keep on posting!
We are also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel of evil that had held the entire world bound in the area of marriage and family.
Definitely believe that which you said. Your favorite reason seemed to be
on the net the simplest thing to be aware of.
I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people consider worries that they plainly don’t know about.
You managed to hit the nail upon the top and also defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people could take a signal.
Will probably be back to get more. Thanks
This info is worth everyone’s attention. When can I find out more?
I need urgent help just sent a question. Thank you for your very insightful answers
Awesome woman, please check your email for the response to your question.
Thanx for the works u guys r doing n helping couples.plz I will like to be getting ur articles n write up or any other materials that can help to spice up my marriage. We r having issues at the moment. Thanx n God bless
Thank you so much Ugos. You can either purchase our audio material called “Spicy Romance” with its added workbook or enroll for our coaching programme. You can send us a mail at info@foundationforfamilyaffairs.org to take advantage of current discounts.
Thanks for these insights. I will definitely use these tips with my kids.
You are most welcome great lady! 🙂
I glad I came across this. Thanks the sages of old God bless u ma
Hmmmm self esteem. You are very right sir. God continue to bless you
Thank you, awesome woman! Our self-esteem can be seen by those who interact with us, it even determines the opportunities we attempt. Hence, we must pay attention to it by nurturing it daily.
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Great evening, wonderful people. All you have to do to participate is to leave your comments and contributions on the comment section
Please, feel free to read without commenting. However, we want it to be as interactive as possible.
Good evening, Sir. Its great to be here
Hope you are having a great day?
Great evening @ Chinwe. Welcome on board!
We have a very important topic to discuss today…Red Alert
Great to be here!
I will like to begin with a true story. Yesterday, I had a counselling session with a lady who gave me the permission to share her story.
I think not knowing who one is or not having an idea of one’s purpose or a wrong identity
Excellent point @ Bimpe…marriage is for destiny. If you don’t know who you are, what you are here (earth) to do, how will you know who you need to fulfil destiny?
When you don’t know what you want, you’d accept just about anything.
Awesome @ Aramide. If you ask some people what they want, they will tell you, “I just want to be married. I need to leave my parents’ house.”
A special welcome to Bimpe
However, let’s have a brief chat. What is responsible for wrong choices as regards choosing a life partner? I will like to get some feedback.
Sometimes, people are too desperate to wait and think
Hmmmm, very true @ anonymous. Sometimes, societal pressures from parents who want grandchildren, friends who intimidate with their wives and wedding bands, the disregard and stigma some singles experience in some cultures can be daunting
Good evening everyone. I think we could relate that to peer pressure – all my mates are married and they keep wanting to get me hitched to their husbands’ friends. That, is enough temptation and pressure to rush and mistakes often occur when things are done in a hurry.
Thumbs up at Mary… This is a major reason. Desperate people often do desperate things
Nice one
Sometimes pressure to get married both from ourselves or others
sometimes people are in a haste to marry. in addition, societal or family pressures may be responsible. Again, not paying attention to some wrong signs.
The lady I mentioned earlier gave me the permission to share her story. She is presently considering the process of divorce after being married for less than 4 years.
When you don’t know what you want, just about anything is okay as long as you’re married. Many ladies have created fantasies of a perfect marriage – without any effort on their part of course. Creating stereotype young, dashing and handsome guys without looking deeper. Forgetting that there’s more to a person than outlooks.
Spot on! There is more to a person than looks. Looks are important, however, we must seek to know the core of the person, which I will be sharing soon.
Good evening everyone. Good to be here
Welcome on board, Nwabunwanne
She stated that she did not really date the guy nor did she know him so well. She just wanted to get married because prior to that time, she had been involved in many failed relationships. Hence, when she was introduced to this person, she jumped at it.
To add more to the common errors singles make… I will be including the following:
Not seeking the right counsel is another factor
Great point at Nwabunwanne. Wisdom is the principal thing. It is very important to learn from other people’s mistakes and successes. “In a multitude of counsel, there is safety.”
1. Spiritual incompatibility
This is the core of who we are. Man/woman is a spirit who lives in a body. Hence, marrying someone who shares the core of your beliefs and faith is very very important. This is where we sometimes draw our sense of identity from; our moral code/ethics.
Ask a lot of questions… even Christians differ based on doctrines. Don’t assume, “assumption is the lowest level of knowledge” Sam Adeyemi
2. Using sex to keep the relationship going – trying to use sex to keep your commitment. Sex before marriage changes the dynamics of the relationship. People become blind to potential red alerts because the only thing they are preoccupied with is sex.
More so, sex lays the wrong foundation for your marriage, bringing God’s anger upon your unformed union. What a way to begin!
Don’t marry a stranger
very true
3. We have mentioned this before. Sometimes, singles don’t investigate the background and history of the individual. This includes their financial status, family, etc. The family of your potential spouse can make life miserable for you directly or indirectly. It is good to pay visits to their family home, listen carefully and prayerfully because at this stage, people would be trying to make a positive impression. Ask questions about family histories, talk with people who know them well. Some years ago, people visit families to investigate…. If we investigate to hire staff for our companies, why do we do less when getting married?
Hmmm @people will be trying to make a positive impression.
hmmm…family history, very important.
4. Disclosing all too soon. Transparency in relationship is very important. It makes relating with each other much easier and peaceful. However, it is good to practise the principle of progressive disclosure. The first few days are not the time for the person to know all about your past, especially when the past is not very interesting. Allow the relationship some time to grow. …Just like the lady who told a suitor the number of abortions she carried out as a naive teenager, only to find him acting cold and disconnected till the relationship died a natural death.
As you build trust and intimacy, you will begin to disclose. It is called progressive disclosure, don’t dump your whole life on someone’s lap before they have the chance to know your wonderful side. However, certain issues must not be left undiscussed for too long as they can raise trust issues.
From experience, I have come to know that some members of the suitor’s family try to cover up his weaknesses, portraying him as faultless. After marriage, they will team up with him to deal with you, of course, after giving them their grandchildren.
Is spiritual compatibility more than just being born again and perhaps the same body of Christ?
Does it have something to do with depth of spiritual understanding and commitment?
Being Born Again is the foundation, but beyond this, we must also look out for their walk with God. This is because people who have an active walk with God will keep growing and changing.
We mentioned church doctrines because some churches believe that church is more important than the family. Hence, one’s spouse may be called for official duty or transferred to another location at short notice. We think that the family was created before the church in God’s order of things. In fact, to be appointed a Bishop, a man’s family is an important credential.
one of the reasons we women marry anybody is the fact that society looks down on single women. its now a competition to be married.
hmm, @ anonymous, I agree with you. I have seen it happen.
5. Putting the responsibility for your self-esteem and happiness on your partner. Many single individuals get into relationships, looking for who will complete, nurture and make them happy. The challenge with these expectations is that they are your responsibilities. If you are not a happy person, enjoying your own company, nobody can really help you. Expecting this from another human being is to set the relationship up to fail before it has a chance. You must come from a place of wholeness and abundance, not lack. You must come into a relationship, not as a dependent person, but as an independent individual. Your coming together would now become an interdependent relationship, with both of you supporting each other
society does not make it easy for single women.
very true. Ifeoma
Waoo Investigation very important.
About investigation, someone told me it is important to look at certain traits associated with certain families or even tribes
True @ Chinwe, we must watch and pray. Don’t just pray. Have a clear leading from God to go ahead. I know of someone who married an individual with sickle cell anaemia based on God’s leading and today, they are waxing strong!
I love that..”watch and pray, not just pray”
6. Jumping into a relationship to escape home, pain or shame of past relationships. You don’t jump into marriage to escape… marriage is for mature people. You need excellent relationship and conflict management skills. Hence, escaping one relationship will not guarantee you haven in marriage. I know of a powerful and loaded sister who jumped into a marriage to escape the shame of being disappointed by a brother she was hoping will ask her out. Today, she is a shadow of herself.
7. Not growing in value. People make relationships what they are. Hence, considering that people are dynamic, always changing, it is expected that you keep growing in your thinking pattern, attitude, achievements and walk with God. Otherwise, if your spouse-to-be outgrows you, he or she may become bored in the relationship. This is sometimes, the reason why some people walk away from their childhood sweethearts or someone who sponsored them through school with the agreement of marriage. When you remain stagnant, you can gradually grow apart because of mental incompatibility.
hmmm, mental incompatibility. A strong point
IDENTIFYING TIME WASTERS
No definite agenda for the relationship. People who don’t have clear agenda for the relationship, with no timelines, need to be scrutinized. Without goals and targets, we cannot measure progress. Hence, if someone you are dating is not keen on moving the relationship to the next level after about 6 months, you need to check him/her out.
He/she must be making effort to incorporate you into their circle of friends. People flaunt whatever they are proud of. Hence, if you are in an unknown relationship, in the dark or the back burner, hmmm… Please view and subscribe to our Youtube channel, we discussed this topic elaborately here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueFsx3tx4rw
Also, individuals who don’t have definite plans for their lives which they are working towards (not just all-talk and no action) don’t need a spouse yet, they need direction. If you hook up with someone going nowhere, he will take you in the same direction fast. Find out where you are going before ‘hiring’ a helper.
Also, if he/she does not make sacrifices for the relationship. When people keep giving excuses about the relationship, not keeping in touch, not communicating, not adding value to your life, etc., you need to take a critical look. We would be rounding off in 15mins time.
Which is why I want to gain direction before getting in to ANY relationship
🙂
ATTRACTING AND KEEPING YOUR DREAM SPOUSE
1. Look for similarities in values. Values determine our decisions, friends and our future direction. Hence, it is important you check out for similarities in values. Values of integrity, honesty, hardwork, excellence in speech, environment, appearance, service, love, etc.
2. Listening skills. This is important for effective communication. People want to be heard, so learn to ask questions and listen. Listening to hear beyond what they are saying. Don’t just listen to respond, but to understand.
3. Add value to his/her life
4. Understand them…their temperament and priorities.
5. Study their relationships, you can know a lot about them by observing their inner circle.
6. Be yourself; pretending is tough.
7. Define the boundaries of mutual respect. Don’t engage in sex, set ground rules, you earn respect this way.
Please ask questions, if you have any.
I have been in a relationship for about 2years and 8months, but he has not said anything about getting married. My greatest concern is pulling out now after all these years and he supported me at some point. I wonder if I can live with the guilt.
Wow! 2 years and 8 months? Why that long? Most times, guys know what they want. If he was going to ask you out, he would have done so by now. However, some guys are too laid back, they only take action when they sense someone ‘better’ is coming to take the lady. Hence, I will suggest you call for a meeting in which you will politely ask him of his plans, where does he see the relationship progressing to. Sometimes, it is better to be alone than to waste years with time wasters. Those around you, including you, think you have something special going on. Do not wait until you receive his wedding card, take charge of your destiny.
my dear @ Anonymous. You need to know why he is keeping silent and the only way to do so is to ask him . You should politely ask him where the relationship is heading to. Ask him the plans he has for the future and find out your place in his future. There is nothing wrong in asking. with a good approach , i wont look like an act of desperation.
For me , that he supported you in any way should not be a major reason for marrying him. Marrying him is not the best way to show appreciation.
In addition, I advise you go through the all the points discussed above,Im sure they will help.
As a single person , you still have the opportunity to make the right choice.
All the best dear
Awesome point…@ Chinwe “marrying him is not the best way to show appreiation”.
Thank you all for your questions, comments, contributions and for joining us from different parts of the globe. Your marriage shall be a model, you shall not make a mistake nor regret your choice in Jesus name!
What is the best way of investigating a potential spouse’s family? knowing that some families might hide certain information from the other partner.
Hmm, this is a very important question @ Chinwe. The first thing is to truly desire to know about their background. Sometimes, a part of us wants to know, while the other part doesn’t because we are concerned that we may not be able to handle what we find out. Hence, if you truly desire to know, you can sincerely ask God for help. He will orchestrate events that will drop information on your lap, without you struggling. Also, if you know people who know their family, you can ask questions without disclosing your intentions because you need unbiased responses from them. Finally, you can go with trusted and experienced people to pay a visit to their family, including their place of origin where necessary, you may stumble upon key information. The goal here is not about marrying a perfect person, not at all. The goal is to know a few things so that you will be able to make informed decisions.
NB: You must have inner peace to begin with.
Amen. Thanks very much for tonight discussion. Great lesson for me. Good night all.
Great insight….. I’m so enlightened.. THANK YOU!!
You are welcome great lady, more to come! Stay ‘tuned’ to this blog! 🙂
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Enjoyed studying this, very good stuff, thanks.
Many thanks. Appreciate 🙂
“Dying” is serious ooo. This sex issue can become something else. Well, I think your wife may be cheating on you. May be not with another man, although I will recommend you check that out. I think she may be cheating with the children, friends, siblings, and anything or anyone else consuming her attention.
Hmm, this sex thing lol. I think they should seek help e.g. counselling. Denying a man sex may be interpreted as personal rejection.
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Hi Bro, welldone again for the good work u guys are doing. More strength, more grace, more inspiration and more anointing in Jesus name. Just a little contribution to the pornography questions, I wanted to comment after watching your YouTube post yesterday but did get chanced.
I think it is also important to point out that pornography defiles a man’s mind and promotes unholy thoughts, immoral fantasies and lustful desires. Prov 4:23 says to guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life. Not only do our actions matter to God, but even our thoughts are thoroughly assessed by Him (Matt 5:27-28: PS 139:2; Lk 9:47; Acts 8:22). Phil 4:8 provides a blue print of what kind of thoughts a believer should entertain ( I am assuming the person who asked the question is a believer). Moreover, our thoughts lead to actions which eventually defines our personality over time. The devil is very subtle and crafty in dealing with believers by telling us ‘ it does not matter, after all, its with your wife or husband…’ Give him an inch and he will go a mile…Ephe 4:27 admonishes that we should not give him place at all. Indulging in pornography could lead to masturbation, adultery, fornication and other forms of sexual sins that God detest (1 Cor 6:11-20). James 1:15 says ….when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin….bringeth forth death.
Moreso, considering that men are wired to be moved by what they see…( you know the gender differences in sexuality stuff). Imagine where the wife is not around and the you know the devil has a way of replaying such pornographic visions in the mind which will fire up inordinate passion in the man, how does he quench such fire and overcome such temptation at that time? Quoting the scriptures, speaking in tongues, engaging in other activities to dismiss such thoughts, praying? Yes he could do either or all of the above, but chances are very high that he may succumb to temptation and fall..Prov 6:27 says can a make keep fire in his bosom and not be burned?
The intention might be to boost the couple’s sexual lives and provide more satisfying sexual experiences. However, using pornography to achieve that is a risky path to tread as the devil could hijack the most innocent intentions and turn it to a thorn in the flesh. Like you rightly said, with pornography, you only know when you start, it soon gets out of hand, may become an addiction and eventually bring about unplanned and unfavourable consequences. Total abstinence, flee, and avoid should be the watchword no matter the level of spirituality or thinking you will know when to draw the line.
My advise will be to take all matters to God in prayer. God is interested in every aspect of our lives including sex. After all, He designed sex to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage. Hence, He can help us to enjoy satisfying sexual relationships devoid of sin or any act of unholiness. The Holy Spirit is there to guide and teach us if only we will ask and involve Him in such matters. Couples may also find appropriate/relevant books on such topics helpful. There are books which address sex in marriage from a Christian perspective….books on love languages, building intimacy, communication in marriage etc. could also be useful in advancing quality sexual experiences among couples. In cases of physical problems, couples can seek medical advice or seek appropriate counselling.
Hmm, She can forgive him, althoguh it may be hard, but she is his wife anyway.
If you were a woman, would you forget such? What type of advise is this @ Thomas?
@ Janet, I have the right to air my opinion, it is a free world, please air yours, ha!!!
Do you have evidence? How did you find out? I don’t mean to be insensitive, K.S, but I have seen many women loose their homes because they acted on what they heard. Please, verify… all the best. I feel you though!!!
You have already, given your all. Some men can be insensitive, wow! But I hope you do not have unprotected sex with him? If you do, I think it is foolishness not love, one of you should at least plan to be alive to look after your children.
Did I hear HIV? Hmm, just passing, lol
I agree at with Christy, get your facts then make plans to move on, you have the right to. However, I will still ask that you talk with him. Although, you said that “he is still cheating”, does that mean you caught him before now?
It is very sad that the man could do that. Anyway depend on the woman religious level which will drive her either way forgiveness or not. I hope the woman is having preventative sex with the man.
As a married couple, the both of you are supposed to be a team, two body and one soul. Marriage is for better for worse, in sickness n in health. You have done your part by sticking with him through thick and thin and he betrayed your trust in wedding vow the day he started cheating. Firstly, i’ll advise you to forgive him as hard as it seems he is only human after all. Secondly, it is totally up to you to decide if you want to spend the rest of your life with an unfaithful partner as much as it is up to you to make a change and urge him to go for counselling and deliverance. Then, finally if he doesn’t change I’d suggest you move on with your life. Whatever you decide to do, seek for God’s guidance and be strong for your kids.
Well, if he is on anti-retroviral and the viral copies are low, they can have sex with no risk of infection. They may not need to use condom.
Dr. A.A
Girl, you have a large heart! Please, work on protecting yourself and your children, in case he does not change. What of if he decides to bring in ‘Delilah’?
@Dr. A. A – so it is possible to be intimate with an infected person and not be infected? Can you throw more light pls?
I think she has loved sacrificially. It hurts that he has treated her the way he has. In my case, he is not discreet about it, sleeping with prostitutes. Truth is, I will not do what she has done by carrying on being intimate with him, but she has some guts.
She needs to forgive him FOR HER OWN GOOD. There is no point carrying that baggage, you will just die before your time. What has happened has happened. Don’t start feeling sorry for yourself, live your life. Make something good out of your life and leave a legacy. Try to live right so when you are called home, you will make it to heaven.
You may be like me, waiting for the children to grow before moving on. Otherwise, you may need to move on, not to remarry, but to get out of that adulterated environment. Only people in your shoes can understand and do not start screaming and telling her to remain in that marriage because you do not understand what she is going through.
God is with you, don’t give up!
Wow!! This is really awesome
May God grant us wisdom to deal with issues around us. What a touching story. As a mother we are not perfect but God will help us all. What actually become of the abusive uncle? Did her mum got to know she was saying the truth later?
Lesson learnt: Unforgiveness clogs your life and prevents you from enjoying the goodies in relationships. You sit there getting bitter and feeling sorry for yourself, that you don’t realise it makes you less attractive, hence warding off suitors. Marrying a bitter person is like signing up for a lifetime of bitterness.
This is so true. You have given me food for thought. I choose to forgive my nation.
The state of things in my country right now is frustrating, but I think we need to get past the blaming game and see what we can do on our part as citizens in building the nation.
Same here @ Dan, reading this woke me up! I have been holding a grudge against the government of my country for segregating my people. Although, I don’t think they will ever change, but I have decided not to keep all that negativity energy within me.
I like the phrase “make up your mind to love, it’s the highest principle on earth”
This is very true. You do ursef a favor when u forgive. Kudos Sir/Mat
Well, if you guys are best friends you should know a few things she would like. H.J
Talk with her close female friends, find out about her rind size this is very important to us ladies. Plan an event and make sure that people who are important to both of you are there. This should make it memorable.
Kemisky Angel
Talk with her close female friends, find out about her ring size, this is very important to us ladies. Plan an event and make sure that people who are important to both of you are there. This should make it memorable.
Kemisky Angel
Hmm, @ Kemi, some ladies don’t like public proposal ooo. I have seen enough embarrassments. Please, be doubly sure, as in sure sure she will say yes. Best of luck 🙂
Femi Ajayi
Proposal is not about secrecy, there must be people present… Haa I need people to witness the whole show with paparazzi lol. My friends must talk about it. This is my opinion anyway. *wink wink*
Sexy Alice
If possible,show up in her church on a sunday,walk up to her immediately after sharing the grace,with one knee on the ground,one of your close friends and her’s around,luckily,some church members and even the pastor may witness the show,then…PROPOSE TO HER….Happy married life in advance.
Haaa… Some of the moves you guys are suggesting here are ‘dangerous’ o, lol! My guy, as Femi said, be very sure so you avoid embarrassment. It is painful to get a ‘NO’ privately, but even more painful to get it publicly.
Is she a private person? If she is, hmmm… you may have to consider something discreet. If she likes to have a crowd around, roll your sleeves up and get creative – consider her birthday (throw a bash and pop the question), a surprise gathering by the beach, in the woods, in a camp,… Just make sure her friends are around.
This is a very nice one. An article of the time. I just have to go through it again. I wish my brothers in the east,fighting for Biafra will read this. I have always believed in this country from my days in secondary sch. I always pray and believe that soonest,I’ll be one of those eating from the milk and honey in this country. AMEN! God bless Victor and Chidinma.
Indeed, integrity is a hallmark for effective parenting!
Awesome!
@ Nworah, simply Awesome indeed, lol! *wink* Truly inspiring!
Beautiful couple ?
@ Abimbola, we agree with you, beautiful couple, beautiful marriage! They remind us that marriage is still beautiful, don’t they?
God bless you sir! I learnt a lot from your story. I love the emphasis on “WE ADJUST”. I also love your approach towards conflict resolution with your wife. Sometimes, it seems people who are kinda introverted are complex, but they are not. You just need to know what works for them. Your marriage will continue to go from strength to strength, amen.
Nice one @Dan, “you just need to know what works for them” and before we forget, Amen to your prayer, we claim and seal it! 🙂
Thanks for your advice to the engaged. We truly need to die to self. I am sure taking that on board. @Abimbola – yes, they are beautiful?
@ Gift, we are happy you learnt something to take on board. It is true that selfish people frustrate the natural process of blooming love!
Really blessed especially the insight of these words ”I Believe God allows us to experience challenging times so that we can admit our limitations and then learn to depend on his grace. Marriage is like a triangle God is the top point, the couple are at the bottom. As we take our eyes off each other and focus on pleasing God in the marriage, we will end up touching each other and rekindling our love”
This is so very true and I believe this is the very basis for the sustainance of any marriage worth celebrating many years! More grace to FFA!
Thank you so much @ Joan, you captured a key secret of their marital romance 🙂 *wink wink*
PSegz and Halima. Beautiful people in and out. They have always been an inspiration to me and a source of encouragement. They have a beautiful relationship and their respect for each other is amazing. God bless them richly.
Amen to that prayer @ Omo, thank you. “Their respect for each other is amazing”, this is deep. The beautiful thing about their romance is that those who know them closely testify to what you just said. The wisdom tip here is that we must endeavour to live out the same ideals, in public and behind closed doors. Thanks a lot.
@Halima – You just gave me a very practical tip on how to relate with my hubby. He sulks when he is upset and I guess my way of dealing with it has not helped much.
@ Anonymous, lol! We are happy you got something practical to apply right away! Go girl 🙂
I have been married for 15 years now and I must say that Pastor Segun and Halima’s marriage has inspired me. This is a couple worth emulating. In most marriages today, respect for each other is lacking. FFA, keep up the good work.
Wow!!! “I have been married for 15 years now and I must say that Pastor Segun and Halima’s marriage has inspired me” @ Margaret, you possess a fantastic teachable spirit!!! Many people with your years of experience in marriage don’t expect to learn much from younger couples. Your comment couldn’t have agreed more with D. L. Moody’s, “it is what we learn after we know it all that counts”
Very interesting. Thank you for the advise to the singles. Most of the times we are disappointed in Marriage cos we don’t get this right on time. A lady on her wedding told her husband ‘ I am not here to complete you cos you are complete in Him…’ and vice versa.
Very true @ Bukola. When couples look to each other as their source of completion, they drain their marriage of romantic energy through their unrealistic expectations. Thus, the fact that we are complete in God must become our personal truth.
Awesome words
? motherhood is indeed a special gift to be treasured, an uncommon grace to be celebrated and an in- depth God-given potential to be explored and maximised. Mothers are a blessing indeed! F.B
Awesome write up, apparently this is one trait that can escape with us to adulthood. Thanks for sharing 🙂
Thank you for this Mr Victor. God bless you hugely.
Thank you Mr victor i like this, for its better for one to be that person that the lord made you to be. Than to be someone else but all you need do is pray and ask God to make you to be a better you (person).
Thank you so much for this liberating piece. It’s amazing that people always wish they were who they are not. You see introverts wishing they could be more outspoken and outgoing as extroverts. Sometimes, extroverts even say how much they dislike “slow” people, referring to introverts; they even condemn the presentation skills or sermon delivery of such persons. We need to learn to be ourselves AND LET PEOPLE BE THEMSELVES TOO! A copy is always a copy, no doubt.
God bless you, Chidi & Victor. You have been an encouragement to many. Having waited just a year before conceiving, I can say that it is a long path to travel to get to this place of rest. The truth is a lot of women are hiding today, just because of the unnecessary stigma tied to being childless (even for a while), especially in Africa. I wish I could just shout it to them all, celebrate, live your life, your season is here! Weep no more!
@Zinny – I like to write anonymous on social media so it is difficult to trace me. One of the reasons for this is so I can express myself, especially on sensitive issues like this one.
Mothers in waiting need to toughen up and stop cracking under the insensitive words of mean people who do not even care. Cracking up means you get to attract unwanted health conditions like blood pressure, ulcers from refusing food because you are sad and many more. You crack up to the point that you take in and then have a miscarriage because you allowed your body break down. Children will come please. Don’t put your life on hold at all, live your dreams. Most importantly, stop wearing yourselves out as a couple. Your season is here!
I just want to thank GOD for your lives, for being a vehicle of inspiration to us and many couples all over the world.
More grace and may GOD continue to inspire and replenish you.
“… The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.” Proverbs 11:25
Definitely, what a fantastic blog and informative posts, I surely will bookmark your site.Best Regards!
Thank you Kay, we appreciate your feedback! 🙂
I sure will get books for romantic tips. Thanks for sharing.
🙂 very important
I like the part to do with sorting out issues before progressing. Sometimes, young people don’t do this and expect their parents to affirm their choice, what? With all these issues? A good parent will always query some things. I am so getting ready to query my children’s choices, they better be ready!
Lol @ Mary, so true. Doing a background check and addressing core issues, especially the type that can potentially get in the way of your tying the knot or ruin your marital romance, cannot be overemphasized.
This is so true; especially in this part of the world. (Africa) couples forget what it means and how important it is to keep pursuing their spouses.
@ Mary – Take it easy?. You sound like a typical African Mama, lol! I understand your point anyway. A lot of young people these days don’t ask questions and few days into marriage, they want to jump out.
Thank God for leading me to take each of my daughters out on their first date ever on their special day. “Dad’s day out with his daughter” it was so special for both of us. We ate together alone and talked about her mainly and her dreams for the future and had a good time.
Wow! What a great dad you are. This absolutely models the principle of today’s devotional. Thanks for sharing Sir.
Beautiful couple ?
Truly insightful words of advice for all whether single or married. God bless you really good Pastors Femi and Busola.
Amen! Truly insightful indeed.
Amen to the prayer Awesome woman!!!
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Amen!!! Victor. We appreciate you. And thanks for sharing our posts on our Facebook page as well. We see you!!! 🙂
Just when I was expecting a yes or no kind of answer(s) or some sort of debate on seeing the topic…but I got more! There are always lessons to learn whenever I read daily devotionals on Connected Hearts ☺️?. “To know is to get ready!” God bless Chidi & Victor Akunna.
Many thanks Awesome Amaka, we are happy to know the devotional blesses you. Thank you so much for sharing, please sign up for our mailing list through the red pop up form. We would like to offer you more value, while getting to know you more. 🙂
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God bless u both, i love your words of encouragement to singles like me “Maximize your singleness”
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Blessed by this devotional as it’s a reminder of the very simple yet powerful tips that sustains lasting relationships! And I agree with FFA to keep sowing that seed not because you want a pat on the back but because it makes you a better person and ‘conquers all opposition’ !
Very true WOG, consistency is an important factor in seeing the best results! We celebrate you!
Whether or not you decide to give him sex, do it because you want to, and not because of the fear that he would quit the relationship. Best believe it, sex CAN’T keep a man. Full stop. He would leave if he wants to. If you give in to his demand for sex unwillingly and he eventually leaves, you’ll feel even more miserable. Also, depending on your personal belief or value system (assuming you are a christian), you have to choose between obeying God or man. You can’t serve two masters at a time. God does not approve pre-marital sex. Don’t start what you can’t continue. You must take a stand but be advised that there are “consequences” in each case. “Choose ye this day whom you will serve…” God’s time is ALWAYS the best. Our time doesn’t really matter. Have faith in God for HE IS FAITHFUL; “He makes everything beautiful IN HIS TIME”. God bless you!
I totally agree with you, Kwandah. Although it’s not easy advice, it’s the most sensible.
At 37, I advice that you define what you want in a relationship. If he really loves you, he will not threaten you. Either you give in or you don’t, he will leave if he’s gonna leave.
Awesome point @Smith. You can’t keep a man with sex. Nobody abandons scarce value, if he sees the perceived and actual value he stands to gain, he would make necessary adjustments.
True love is not Base on sex, if truly loves you he will stay. Trust me if he’s in the relationship bcos of sex as soon as he got what he wanted he’s out. Follow your heart.
S.M, if you give in to his sex request, you will live to regret it. Why do ladies keep falling for such gimmicks? He will sleep with you and dump you! Wake up! Work on your esteem, you deserve more. This may sound harsh, but I think it’s about time women woke up. He will sleep with you, probably get you pregnant and leave you struggling as a single mother, saddled with a responsibility you were not ready for. 37 is not too late. My aunt got married at 43 and she has two boys today. Enough of this ladies! Stop being desperate. The other left and another came, another will come.
Ewww! You sound so desperate. You need to work on your esteem.
Dear SM, at 37,i know it’s not so easy, knowing you’re not getting younger, but truth be told, what premium do you place on yourself and your relationships, I ask this because your answer will inform your decision no matter what anyone tells you. Is this relationship all about sex, are you basically for sex. It’s often said that what you value, you’ll cherish and keep/guard jealously. If he truly loves you, he won’t threaten to leave you because you’ve made a decision to abstain till marriage. If you give him sex now, what makes you think he won’t find someone better and more experienced than you in that regard, and at the end you still loose him. I pray you allow God to guide you and not your desperation to settle with a man.
Hey Sm, first every good and perfect gift comes from God!! Remember the blessings of God adds no sorrow to it!! If he really loves you, he will wait till he knot it. Meaning till he takes you to the alter. My advice to is this: since you have notice same thing on your previous relationships, sex is not everything and not good when or in a relationship! For me I will advice you to quit the relationship. God will bring your way someone who will respect your opinion, love u, cherish you and treat you like a queen. Do not worry about vital. He is not the only guy in this world. God has someone for you and the divine connection will come soon. God bless you. Hold on to God and He’s promises, pray, praise. The perfect man will come.
Very true @ Ginika, God has someone for everyone. I just want to chip in here, @ SM, is there something you are innocently doing or saying that is triggering this repetitive behaviour?
This is very inspiring. Thank you for all you do. My life and family are better because of your passion. God bless you and announce the work!
Amen! This is so humbling, thank you for sharing!
This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about this topic. You realize so much its almost hard to argue with you (not that I actually would want…HaHa). You definitely put a new spin on a topic thats been written about for years. Great stuff, just great!
Thanks for your kind feedback. We would really appreciate it for you can tell your friends too 🙂
WONDERFUL Post.thanks for share..more wait .. …
Thanks for your kind feedback. We would really appreciate it for you can tell your friends too 🙂
Another great piece, Chidi & Victor. I always look forward to reading from you guys. Sometimes, I get so busy and it piles up, but each time I come on to read for the week, I always leave with loads of information. I am one of your biggest fans. God bless you!
Amen! Thank you so much. You just made us smile?
very nice post, i certainly love this website, keep on it
I hope someone learns from this. Extreme attachment to my parents wrecked my marriage. My husband would initially subtly complain, but I just felt my parents had more experience, so knew better. He would always tell me, “it’s ok for us to make our own mistakes. I’m not saying we can’t seek advice from them, but please carry me along”. I felt he was opposing my parents and cried about it to my parents. They were so upset that I was upset and asked me to come home that evening. I went to see them and because I was crying uncontrollably, they won’t let me go home in that shape. I slept over at theirs that night and returned home the next morning.
My parents were hurt that my husband never called to find out where I was. On the other hand, he was hurt (knowing that I would certainly be at theirs) that I just went to spend the night with them without telling him. I guess I was just a spoilt cry-baby.
My marriage has not recovered from that incident. After seeking counsel, I know better. I am praying God touches my husband’s heart soon.
I jointly pray that the Holy Spirit would touch your husband’s heart to give you another chance, especially now that you know better and are willing to do things right. I really admire your honesty because so many marriages/relationships are broken because people blatantly refuse to accept their errors. God bless you and I hope and pray that I’d read from you again when you come back to testify about the restoration of your marriage.
Lovely couple, awesome!
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camiseta Real Madrid I will immediately take hold of your rss as
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Seen it?
camiseta Real Madrid I want to to thank you for this very good read!!
I definitely loved every little bit of it.
I have got you saved as a favorite to look at new things you post
How kind! Thank you.
I wish they explained in detail what they mean by “don’t be in a hurry” under their advice to singles/engaged. If we both have taken time to develop ourselves before meeting and falling in love, how long/short is being in a hurry?
?. I think the focus is on becoming the ideal potential spouse.
On meeting and falling in love, work on understanding each other.
The idea of not being in a hurry is simply – “first things first”.
Awesome! Thanks for the tips, I will certainly adopt them immediately.
?.
Im grateful for the blog.Thanks Again. Really Great.
Thank you
Thank you ever so for you blog.Really looking forward to read more.
Chidi and Victor! God bless you many times over. I can’t say all you have done for my family and some other families I know. You do not even know the extent of your reach, but keep at it please. If you ever think of stopping, think of my family and keep going. You shall definitely be rewarded! You are constantly in our prayers.
Wow! This is so humbling and encouraging. Thank you so much.
We have been in their position before. We took advantage of technology, we skyped, used yahoo messenger which was what was available at the time, there are even more options now.
Women need to learn to prioritise. Sometimes, we want to get everything done (because it gives us a good feeling) before settling down to chat. We need to realise that the job never gets done, there will always be something to do. When it is time to speak or chat with hubby, go on and do that, the chores will be taken care of later. Do not allow any gulf in between.
Even when he gets back, leave anything you couldn’t get done and just enjoy his company. You both can do the work together later. I am not pushing for untidiness, but take a break.
Awesome!!! @ Kemi, we must make our marriage and spouses priority through our actions! “The only marriage we get by chance is a boring one” Victor Akunna
Well done, Chidi. I don’t think there is anything to add, you nailed it!
?. Thank you so much
Wow! “It’s like the common saying, “dead man walking”, but in this case, it’s dead marriage.” Something to think about.
Indeed, love is a powerful thing, the things we do for love! God will help us stay connected, a heart-check is so essential.
They are so hot! What a lovely pair. @FFA, they are “loaded”, borrowing your term?. More Romance Stories please!!!
Sure!!! More Spicy romance stories 🙂
Very true, “the truth is that if couples live in full conformity with the Word of God, there would not be friction”. All these endless unnecessary arguments would be resolved easier and faster.
You are so on point?!
Quite insightful!
Please what is the medical cause of sexual boredom???
Interesting… it could be a result of multiple factors, some of which may need to be checked out in hospital. A thorough medical history and examination will also need to be done, but basically covering emotional, hormonal, and certain medications or medical conditions.
It is like asking what is the cause of infertility- there are thousands and thousands. And you can only know which one a person is suffering from by taking a proper history and investigations. One thing may cause it in one person and another in someone else
But for you, you have to check if stress is involved, did you just give birth, are you and your spouse in a happy relationship or are there anger issues that need to be resolved?
If you feel those are not the case, it is possible for you to get a hormonal profile, as many hormonal disorders can lead to decreased sexual enjoyment.
This is however by no means an exhaustive list!
Thank you so much Dr. S. A. for your valid input.?
I will say 6 out of 10
Awesome score @ Favoured lady, but what can you do to take to an 8?
Really enjoyed this forum topic.Really looking forward to read more. Cool. Knill
Many thanks William, please feel free to reach us with any topic you want us to address. Tell your friends about the blog too. Thumbs UP!
Awesome!!! God bless you guys…reading this from a desert training…go US army strong….I will read your article anytime am free cos you guys are a blessing to me and ma family.
Thanks a lot Soldier boy :-), thanks for being one of our most valuable family. Please, don’t hesitate to share any question you want us to address, opinions you feel would benefit other readers and above all, telling your friends about it. Let’s do this together!
I certainly enjoyed reading this piece, we need more articles from you and Victor please! What I love about reading your articles is that they are fresh!
Awww… Thank you so much for your kind words. We will sure keep them coming. Please subscribe to the blog to get updates.
Kai! Chidi! If we had talked before now, I would have thought you were writing about me.*covers face in shame*
:-). I’m glad you found the tips useful. Feel free to share with your friends.
Hello! I’ve been reading your weblog for some time now and finally got the courage to go ahead and give you a shout out from Dallas Tx! Just wanted to say keep up the fantastic job!
Wow! Great to hear from you. Thanks for reaching out. Please do subscribe to it as well as we are planning on giving out some special benefits to our subscribers.
We’re a group of volunteers and starting a new scheme in our community. Your site offered us with valuable info to work on. You have done a formidable job and our whole community will be grateful to you.|
We are happy to hear that. Please let us know if there is anything we can do to further support you. You can subscribe to our blog as we are working on providing more benefits to our subscribers.
I love what you guys are usually up too. This kind of clever work and coverage! Keep up the awesome works guys I’ve incorporated you guys to my blogroll.
I just love number 5. I once made a financial decision that was meant to be for the good of the family, but things did not go as planned. It cost us heavily and we were so disappointed. As though that was not enough, my wife started nagging me, she almost nagged the life out of me. It was a bad time in our marriage. Couples should stick together and face any financial challenge together. Grieve but don’t destroy.
Glad you love it Ben. Well said, grieve but don’t destroy!
We learn to become better people from our mistakes
Cheers
Great piece. Understanding the temperament of your spouse is crucial. Thanks for sharing these awesome tips.
Great piece indeed! Thanks for dropping by. What an awesome job you are doing at momsachievingpurpose.com, well done!
Aha! Chidi & Victor, this is what I am talking about, keep it coming. Thanks Sola for the tips, even couples who have been married for very long can benefit from it, not just young couples.
So right, it is not just for young couples?. Thanks for dropping by – as always.
This is what I call control alt delete. Resetting the mind?. God bless Foundation for family affairs! God bless Chidi and Victor! God bless Sola!
Lol! Amen and amen! God bless you too!
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hello!,I like your writing so a lot! proportion we keep up a correspondence extra about your article on AOL?
I require a specialist in this area to unravel my problem.
Maybe that’s you! Having a look ahead to look you.
Please send me an email: info@foundationforfamilyaffairs.org
“Thanks a lot for the article.Much thanks again. Cool.”
You are welcome!
wow, awesome post.Really looking forward to read more. Awesome. Tristan
Many thanks. Please subscribe to this blog.
Omo! Thanks for this crucial message o. I’ve been making blunders. The author’s profile is out of this world! Well done boss!
We are glad you found it useful.?
You are so right, his profile is something else. Please subscribe for more informative articles.
Wow! I just love Pastor Laurie’s openness. I have always wondered if it is possible to marry a man who would be willing to stick up for you. God help me! I saw my dad beat my mum because some silly uncles said rubbish about her.
Keep expecting the best; dad may not have been a great template, but there are good men out there.
Thank you for the wake up call. Don’t marry somebody out of obligation. #messagejustforme
?. Indeed! Thanks for stopping by.
Wow! Awesome story! The part that hit me the most is the part where Pastor Laurie talked about her husband sticking up for her. My husband would leave me at the mercy of his family to trash me down, I had to learn to mind my business and stay away from trouble.
Hmmm… We understand how that makes you feel. A man should stand by his wife and not trash her down, that is why we try to emphasise that the brideGROOM grooms his bride. We hope he turns around and become that husband who stands with his wife. You can get him to read this story.
This article got me and left me repenting again and again. God bless you is all I can say.
Amen! Glad it blessed you.
How enriching is this? Wish I knew this when I had a miscarriage. To think that I thought it was the end of the world, but I am a mother of three today.
Wow! Faithful is our God!
Thanks for this article. I feel encouraged, but can’t stop crying. I hope I conceive again soon.
Be still and know that He is God. You’ll be dancing soon!
I wish this was my case. In my case, it is not me who is blaming myself, but my hubby, my family, everyone! Imagine coming out of the hospital, right after it was confirmed and my mum was on phone, lashing me with her words. Honestly, in such a situation, it is difficult to be still and just trust God because even those who should encourage you don’t know what encouragement means. I have resolved never to tell anyone, apart from my husband, the next time I am pregnant so I can have my peace.
How sad. It is a tough situation to be in, but you owe it to yourself to be strong and happy. I’m sure your family loves you, but probably do not know how best to manage the situation. Don’t be bitter towards them, they’d do better if they knew better. Encourage yourself in the Lord!
Honestly, I need a break! I think we love better when we rest well.
Indeed! After a good rest, we are often more romantic. Take a break!
Candid lessons! I love their sincerity and simplicity. God bless them!
Amen! You are so right, very sincere and simple.
This just cracks you up. Imagine the point where she said they laughed as girls do. The things men go through?!
Lol!
This is awesome. Thanks… Spot on
Thank you so much great man
You guys bless me! You may not see the results NOW, but time will tell. Keep up the good work!
We bless the Lord! Thanks for your kind words.
Need more info about parenting,l have three boyz.
Thank you for reaching us. You can subscribe to our YouTube channel here
https://youtu.be/GS3ynUZGWHI
You can also join our Facebook group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/TheRomanceAcademyFFA/
Finally, ask any question you have and we would answer them. Looking forward to seeing you.
Need more info about parenting. l have 3 boyz and you know what it means sir
I’m travelling to work, this has made my day!!!!!!!
The truth sets free. The depth in this article callsis for a “STANDING OVATION”.
To Mrs Okorie, the world needs your sharp mouth…I love your depth and balance??? Well done!!!!!!
To Mr& Mrs Akunna, keep doing what you do best. The world awaits.
WE CELEBRATE YOU!!!!! God bless you
Amen! Thank you, WOG. We are glad it made your day. We celebrate you too!
Mrs. Okorie, over to you, “the world needs your sharp mouth”, write on!?
I agree regarding how God’s word around submission can easily be manipulated….. some men make submission feel like modern day slavery like you have no choice etc that their say is the only say. Submission does not mean the husband is the King who does not have the listening ear. At times men may get things wrongs. Before submission men should listen to let the other be heard period.That is the beauty of submission……
Very true @ Katirana! Submission demands that men listen as well. We must point out that submission does not imply blind followership, men must expect their intelligent and curious wives to ask questions to clarify things for themselves and their husbands as well. It is impossible to know or see everything, because some things are in our Blindspots.
Lovely piece, though very streamlined to a certain location, I think it would have made more sense if I could identify with some things that were said.
I’m sorry we took a while to respond, it was necessary to understand what you had in mind in order to properly address it.
“…when you raised your right hand at the crusade ground, or muttered the sinner’s prayer, or fell on your knees in the secrecy of your room that cold harmattan morning, having been subdued under the conviction of the Holy Spirit from the powerful words of the morning crier; you made a decision to trust and obey…”
Harmattan – Dry and dusty wind on the West African Coast, occurring from December to February.
The morning crier – is one who goes out very early in the morning to preach/evangelise, often times with a megaphone.😀
You can reach us directly if there are other parts you don’t understand. Hopefully, you should be on your way with this😀😀😀
I enjoyed reading this article. Submission should not be a big deal, but that’s the way things are. If the man truly submits to God, the wife would easily submit to him. Simple!
We are glad you enjoyed reading it. If things are done the right way, there would be no need for emotions to run high. Thanks for that contribution.
Hallelujah!! You have no idea how I am dancing right now. This thing has been difficult for me to discuss with friends, but like you’ve said, it is for us Christian ladies, and it is THE SIMPLEST THING TO DO in the 21st century
Keep dancing!💃
Glad you have a simpler explanation for the topic.
God bless you ma’am. Your depth is an answer to this generation. Really.
This article is just on point. Everyone should read it.
May God bless and continually make your home a message to this messed age.
Amen! Great depth indeed!
This is a great and enlightened piece to all Christian couples as well as young men and women from a Christian home. Unfortunately though, many people tries to replace modernisation and technology with the all-time truth and infallible Word of God but the Lord expects you and I to reach out to them and remind ourselves that God and His Word changeth not. The unbelievers are expected to get converted as they view the life style of a God fearing husband and his wife so they can come to the Lord in true repentance. God will continue to bless you all in this team in Jesus name. Amen.
I am actually at this point in my marriage. I must tell you, it’s not easy for Fred’s wife, sometimes I just feel like exploding. Thanks for the tips, I may call a meeting tonight, I hope he gets it because such talks leave me more infuriated.
I like your commitment to making your marriage work by trying again. Please let me know how it goes at info@foundationforfamilyaffairs.com
A great presentation and proper balancing of the truth of God’s word. A job well done Dr. It makes me wonder when young who are preparing to marry and they are busy arguing that if they had to do, this, that and the other, what would be the contribution of the woman. Then I wonder the contribution of the Church to her union with Christ the Bridegroom.
I am also in a cross road right now. In fact , I left my marriage for over one year now living outside the country. I have tried to see how I can go back to her but it’s something I don’t want to do. It was a matter of life and death. I don’t even know where to begin my story, is it the part her family is playing or is it her own actions.
I am really worried because of my lovely daughter, she’s innocent of this. I don’t know where to start from.
I know i have my own issues, i mean I have not been a good man when it comes to my marriage, I know i am easily angered but again and again , I asked if that could make her stab me more than 4 times and insisted that i should bleed to death?
Truthfully, i don’t know what to say.
Yours is a touching story, it is a good thing that you have identified your problem -easily angered. Having identified it, what can you do about it?
When emotions are not controlled, it’s amazing what they degenerate to. Please read my article on anger – See How Anger Changed Her Marriage http://foundationforfamilyaffairs.org/see-how-anger-changed-her-marriage-by-chidi-akunna/
What could have made her stab you? Was it pent up emotions? Were there too many unresolved issues? Let’s talk some more, I just sent you an email, I’ll be expecting your response.
This is an eye-opener. I used to view submission as gullibility. Now, I can see they vastly differ. God bless you for this ma. Thank you.
I love, enjoyed and learnt a lot from this article. Submission has never been more clearly explained to me. Thank you Dr. God bless you richly ma’am. And the entire ffablog Team
Nice piece, I was really ecstatic when I got to the part where you talked about Men’s role.
But in your last 2 major paragraphs, I have some observations or questions! You just made a blanket statement as regards women – a difficult marriage, but for the men, you went further by breaking it down to – unfaithful, verbally abusive or mean-spirited wife! I guess you did so to avoid making a very controversial statement
This brings me to my question – Is staying in an abusive marriage a cost Jesus would want us to bear? Especially for females?
And would you support such despite the rise in cases of Husbands killing their wives?
Thank you, Izebe, for this question. It was well expected.
And it is for this reason that I was careful to sandwich the phrase “within the limits of righteousness” into that paragraph.
Biblical submission cannot be practised outside the limits of righteousness.
In Colossians 3:18, Paul made it clearer by adding the words “As it is fit in the Lord.”
Another version says “As is appropriate for those who belong to the Lord”.
Submission is not blind, mindless follower-ship, neither is it unconditional as is preached by some. It is within the limits of righteousness.
When a Christian woman is tempted, forced or cajoled into committing sin by her husband, her first allegiance to the Lord ought to play out in that circumstance.
When her life is in danger, or her children sexually abused in that environment, it cannot be said that her ‘submission’ is within the limits of righteousness, as she would be an accomplice to an unnecessary death or in the abuse of others, respectively.
I was once in a position to say what I would advise a woman who is being physically abused by her husband to do. My answer was without a shred of hesitation: “Run away and pray at a safe distance.”
Hope this helps!
Regards,
Uju.
Thank you ma. I remember we were taught this by our Pastor at church. Real deep profound truth. Christian ladies should be careful about who they choose as their head. So blessed reading this. God bless you ma.
This truth has sunk into my heart am nt married bt I have stored this in my archives… U v edified my mind this morning, may God richly bless ur ministry… Thanks ma
Please permission to share this ma.
I am at this point in my life. I just want to tell him i need a holiday with the children and never come back. For the past one year all I do is pent up emotions and it’s killing me. Everyday I watch him send and recieve nude pictures from all kinds of women, leaves and return to the house at will. The last time i called for a meeting it ended violently. The question I keep asking myself is where did I go wrong. He practically worshipped the ground I walked during our courtship. He pretends before my pastor and they assume all is well
So sad! I can just imagine how terrible it must feel seeing those nude pictures, but I believe so much in the power of God to turn things around, it is not a hopeless situation. Yes, there are testimonies of marriages God has turned around, a number of them leave us stunned at the magnitude of what God can do. I must, among other things, highly recommend the power of prayer. Don’t stop praying about your marriage, while doing that, be sensitive to speak those things you want into reality and start ‘seeing’ them happen.
Having said that, here are a few questions you may want to consider: are there some things you used to do which you have stopped doing? Does he still find you attractive? Have you lost your sweetness?
Now, this is not to present women in a subdued way, but to ensure that you play your part in meeting the unique demands of your marriage.
I must touch on his sexual escapades – I often say, only a man whose mind has been renewed does not cheat. What is his relationship with God like? Who is he accountable to? Who can call him to order? Prayerfully consider this and take action before things get out of hand. We are praying for you!
The truth is clear. Submission to ones husband cannot be done in the flesh. Women need to die daily to make submission easy.
Love this piece. God bless you richly. The term submission is a two-way affair. Both Party should learn to submit to one another in love. The man should stoop to conquer whenever the wife seems haywire and vice versa.
I enjoyed the article. And the writer explained sufficiently the concept of submission from a biblical perspective and the exemplary duty of a Christ-like husband. As a single guy,am thus enlightened.
Thanks.
Great words. Thank you so much for this. I love most the ‘can all you can’ bit. Leftovers can be turned into quick lovely sumptuous meal so as part of my Christmas shopping, I got small freezer bowls and labels to save leftovers.
Mercy Christmas.
Great tip! Wise decision! #noleftovers. Thanks for sharing that move with us.
Thanks for this timely reminder. Sometimes, the waste in the bin after the entire celebration leaves one feeling guilty.
At least something can be done about it this time.😉 #nowasteallowed
Stumbled on this article in the middle of my shopping, sat somewhere to wait for hubby to come out and decided to scroll through my phone. Pinching myself right now.
That’s the whole point😀😀
Great word. Thinking of sharing it on my Facebook page. Many husbands in the body of Christ make submission so hard for women though. So I hope they get to see the balance in the article. We are supposed to die for our wives; that is the prescribed love. Submission is some kind of death as well that is reciprocated to a “dead” husband or acts of death by a husband. Jesus did it and we have no qualms submitting to Him. Let the husbands step up their game. Keep it up sister.
Many blessings.
Fantastic interview for fantastic couples
Hi dear sis & bro. Really good response. More points-🙂 (for subsequent valentine and other festive periods)
Hubby should regularly appreciate the wife, verbally and with simple unexpected gifts, not waiting for festive periods, I believe this will improve their romance and communication. Furthermore, the wife’s heart will be more open to whatever discussions hubby brings up.
Thank you so much, ma’am.
We cut off the part where he mentioned how much he does to make her happy, his concern was the anxiety he is – hopefully, was – feeling about Valentine next week.
We felt we had over-flogged that area in earlier posts, but thanks for pointing it out as those reading this as a stand-alone piece would benefit from the rich tips you shared. We appreciate you!
This is absolutely wonderful..
Thank you.
❤💙💚💛💜
Fantastic course @ Chidi & Victor, I will work on eliminating constant criticism. I noticed that my wife and children would rather abandon my tasks than be criticised for doing the wrong thing. Please how I change my approach?
Thank you so much for this course. I enjoyed watching it and learnt a lot. I love the interactive nature too. Keep up the great work! Your materials are always a blessing.
I just hate it when some in-laws behave like this. Who is she to raise her hand to sleep you. All I can say is that she is lucky to have you because someone like me would have beaten her before her son returns. You should have beaten her and left this police matter because you don’t want to upset your husband.
Do things like this still happen? Let your husband talk to her. I will suggest that you do not go to the police. The matter will escalate beyond your control please. Tell your husband to get uncles and aunties involved if he is unable to speak to her.
Your mother in law’s action was very wrong, she assumed too much and feels it’s her place to take charge in her son’s home. However hurt you may be by her actions DON’T report her to the police please. Look at it this way, if you report her to the police, it’ll amount to reporting your husband, and you may not like the consequence of that action. Ask your husband to speak with her, and possibly he should make her realize that her interference in your home is not welcome except it’s asked for. If she cannot support you as her own daughter, then she’s got no business judging or taking laws into her hands against you. It’s your husband’s exclusive duty to make her respect boundaries and maintain such.
May God give you double for your shame sooner than you expect ma’am.
1st and foremost, her son should get her out of that house and make sure she doesn’t return until she has learned to respect her son, his wife and their home!
It’s either that or the police..
Please ensure you talk about your values because they decide your choice of career, how you spend, where you live and how your marriage will run!
Hmmmm……
Wonderful story indeed. I’ve learnt ALOT from this story. Indeed, marriage is fun only if we decide to work on it.
Thanks to Mr & Akunna for this wonderful platform.
@SirIyene – We are glad it brought you some value. Thank you for reading.
Wow! So real, their genuity can be felt. Thank you for this FFA.
Vera – You are so right. Thank you for reading.
Sis Uju.
Your ‘sharp mouth’ throws punches! This article blew me in the face…….even by this time of the day (its 3:30am now!) You just made my day.
I recommend this to every Christian; whether married or about to marry. Sis Uju, I can assure you, Apostle Paul himself will smile reading this writeup excellently put together. This is the gospel truth, undiluted.
God bless you.
Even as modern women, we needed this truth. Sometimes I feel deep down within that we all know the truth but we chose to ignore it because of how fast the world is changing. I am glad we have people like you (with sharp mouth) that would go to extra lengths to remind us of the only truth that there is..
Thumbs up.
Even as modern women, we needed this truth. Sometimes I feel deep down within that we all know the truth but we chose to ignore it because of how fast the world is changing. I am glad we have people like you (with sharp mouth) that would go to extra lengths to remind us of the only truth that there is..
Thumbs up.
I have been blessed by this. God bless you Dr. Uju.
You wowed me MA! Am so blessed! May God raise more women like you in our generation that has grown weird. You wield so much wisdom even though I am reading this 2 years later. In igbo language I say ‘ihe dika gi akokwana anyi’. Blessings.
Quite insightful, especially the part of confirming from those that have gone ahead of you .
Thank you.
Thank you so much for your feedback. @Debby
Wow! Yet, so many are hooked on it. What’s the way forward?
Thank you for your comment, awesome lady. Anyone involved can do the following:
1. Decide that you want out; you want to break out of the addiction.
2. Perceive how life would be for you when you are finally free.
3. Decide why you want to be free.
4. Identify the triggers that pull you back to the addiction after making many promises to yourself not to go back.
5. Take practical steps to eliminate, and in some cases, minimise, your contact/interaction with the triggers. For example, be intentional and selective about what you watch and what you hear, as the eyes and ears are the gateways to our lives.
Most likely no.
Especially since she’s still in the relationship with him.
It may just be that at the time of his proposal, somethings has not yet been addressed.
Maybe, she doesn’t like how his sisters treat her or how he handles giving her money or just something she’s not yet comfortable with…
But the no is just for him to hold on and address some issues,then try again.
If she wanted out, she would have been long gone.
My opinion.
Thank you so much for this input. You are suggesting that as long as she is still in good terms with him, there is likely that if he tries to propose again in the future, she may say yes.
Beautiful! And yes, they walk the talk.
Many thanks, awesome Ini. We honour you!
I will really want to come with my partner for a coaching and counseling
Dear Glory, thank you for contacting us. Please send your mobile number to us at info@foundationforfamilyaffairs.org or use the WhatsApp/Facebook messenger app on the left-hand side of this page.
This is an interesting
Topic
So excellent
Brilliant one from Victor Akunna
I am a seasoned filmmaker, passionate and enthusiastic change advocate and team leader. I run a parenting show and also produce contents in this area, I would love to connect to you ma.
Great! You can contact us via the Facebook Messenger App on the right-hand side of our website. We look forward to reading from you.
But sex isn’t just about his erection and intercourse. Not for many women it isn’t. In fact for many of us, it’s fairly low on the scale of importance.
Thank you so much for your feedback. We are happy you loved it.
You can order it here: http://www.foundationforfamilyaffairs.org/product/dynamics-of-marriage/ and we would deliver to you if you are within the U.K.
Thank you for your comment, Fiona. We believe every woman is beautiful because beauty is beyond facial features. Therefore, every woman is worthy of love.