Principles of an intimate marriage by Chidi Akunna

Kay and Gina (real names withheld) got married two years ago. Unfortunately, they have not spoken to each other for about 10 months. They live in the same house, but that is about the only thing they have/do in common at the moment. They cook and eat separate meals, sleep in separate rooms and over summer, went to different countries on holiday, at different times.

Digging into the matter revealed that Gina was not happy with Kay’s reaction to her complaint about her brother. In her words, “he became very mean to my brother and started to avoid him. I did not expect a man to behave like that, that seems petty to me.” Kay responded by saying, “I was only trying to protect Gina from her brother’s actions towards her, I think I owe her that.”

This is a sheer case of misunderstanding and unmet expectations, but things would have been different if better handled.

Kay and Gina ought to have discussed the issue, address Gina’s unmet expectations, get an explanation and better understanding of the situation and how to go about it, and not allow the situation to affect their relationship as a couple.

It is easy to pick on the fact that they let such a trivia issue affect their marriage to the extent it did, but a good number of couples would tell you that they cannot even remember the reason for which there was a misunderstanding between them. Some who remember would acknowledge that the trigger was a very flimsy thing.

Principles are there to guide us, but when we break them, there are consequences. It does not matter the wealth of knowledge you have, if you do not heed the principles, you will not get the desired result. I want to believe that there are principles you have agreed on as a couple.

Are you doing your best to follow those principles?
When you don’t follow through, do you apologise and seek reconciliation as quickly as possible?

If you have agreed to talk about everything, then don’t be quiet when you are not happy about something; express yourself.
If you have agreed to work as a team, then all hands must be on deck in resolving ANY matter; do not make sole decisions.
If you have agreed to fight for each other, then do not leave your spouse at the mercy of others; stick up for each other.

You can still have the marriage of your dreams!

Chidi Akunna
Romance & Intimacy Catalyst

Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships; a solicitor with special interests in Family and Children Law. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents.

She also partners with her husband in running “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.