‘Potential Spouse’: What to look out for in a Potential Spouse!
How do I recognize a time waster?
What character traits should I look for in a spouse?
What should I be doing while I wait to be found?
What ‘caution flags’ should I look out for?
Where can I find someone to marry?
How do I recognize God’s perfect will for me?
What are the causes of marital delays?
Chidi & Victor Akunna are leading voices on marital romance and family life. They are passionate about helping individuals, couples and organisations build sustainable and valuable relationships, and testimonials abound. They are authors of many articles and books.
They partner in the administration of “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.
Feel free to enjoy the resources available here!
35 Commentson "‘Potential Spouse’: Join Chidi & Victor and Friends on The Forum Today @ 6PM"
Statistics about marriage in the US, UK and different countries across the globe as regards failing marriages is not encouraging. Everyone seems to be saying that marriage is hard for different reasons. Sometimes, I ask where are the positive examples?
He was very nice to me and we had wonderful moments together, but he suddenly went distant and the relationship fizzled out. After one year 3months, he returns and is pleading with me to take him back. Is he a potential spouse?
As a couple, our duty is to help each other fulfill destiny. Does he challenge you to aspire and pursue your goals? Does he plan to put make you a full-time house wife, contrary to your goals and plans. There is nothing wrong with being a house wife if that is your goal or your temporary focus in order to raise the children. However, if it is against your life mission or view, please take a closer look.
2. Is he always thinking of what to grab from you, abusing your femininity… Some men only see ‘body parts’ when they see ladies. If his eyes keeps moving and roving …
Great question, many people claim to have vision, but 3 years down the line, they have nothing to show. If he truly has one, it will begin to show… How? 1. It would determine his behaviour. 2. His plans. 3. His spending; vision always speaks. It would consume him 4. His conversations would be seasoned by it. etc
3. Does she have the capacity to forgive? The inability to forgive is a serious warning sign. In marriage, conflict management and resolution will take place from time to time when different issues come up. Hence, if you have someone who cannot forgive minor issues, hmm…
Attributes to look for in a man
1. Genuine fear of God
2. Responsible- can he take care of himself?does he take care of his parents or siblings? Etc
3. Future plans – lookout for potentials those are great men in the future. Michelle saw it in Obama
Great points at Grace. Being responsible is very critical. There would be bills to be paid, problems to be solved, goals, deadlines, etc Marriage is real life. You need someone you can trust to achieve things with…
4. A Potential Spouse would not be ‘needy’. Marriage is the coming together of two independent and whole individuals. If you have someone who cannot think or do anything without you, needs you to do everything for them, you need to check his/her background. Some people were spoilt silly, such that they can barely help themselves or achieve any worthwhile goal.
I have a rather radical view when it comes to what to look our for before marrying. Needless to say many do not agree with my position.
It is my opinion that it is impossible to “truly” know your spouse until you are married especually in the christian context. Reason is that alot of your interactions are guarded and limited and if you are unlucky to be with a pretencious individual, you could be for a shocker!
For example, if my wife knew how loudly I snore, we probably would not be married now! lucky me! What am I trying to say? Marriage is a journey of discovery and you will see something’s along the way that you don’t like and didn’t bargain for. What I am saying is that you probably might not who your spouse really is until you start living together. I mean those little things that make your spouse who they really are. All you see during courtship is only a preview. The real movie begins after you say”I do”!
So, what is my suggestion? Marry a friend! A really good friend! Of course, the direction of the Holy Spirit is very important, but close on the heels of that is true friendship. Haven’t you seen how very good friends are able to forgive one another easily. Also, they are able to be honest with each other, at least most of the time. I put friendship before the sparks and romance. Trust me, all that might fail but friendship will keep you guys going.
@Femi – I am of the opinion that people should talk, talk and talk during courtship. If they do, some things would not be shocking after getting married. Thus, they should both know the big and small things. Of course, some discoveries would be made after marriage. We keep discovering ourselves everyday, but they should talk about everything.
Awesome @ Anonymous, lol. I remember someone who came for a coaching session. She was concerned about a relationship she was in at the time. He goes off for a long period of time… and never calls. After a long time, he would call with different excuses about his phone not being with him, busy at work, network issues, etc. It turned out that he was seeing someone else…
A potential spouse must be open and transparent, nothing hidden. There should be no BIG surprises after Marriage as that could be considered deceitful.
5. Emotional stability. You don’t want someone who is happy this minute and moody the next. Always fluctuating, you don’t know what to expect. He/she is not predictable. Instability, can lead to costly mistakes as a result of bad decisions.
6. A Potential Spouse should have an authority figure in his or her life. Someone who can call him or her to order. Humility is power under control.
7. The man should have a job. Something he can do to earn a living in order to look after his family.
8. A Potential Spouse, must have a relationship with God; consistent walk with God, the type that shows in character and attitudes. Many people claim to be Christians but do not have ‘fruits’
If he is so controlling and takes you away from all your friends, check again
Being in love should not leave you feeling less. A potential spouse builds the esteem of a loved one.
If his actions trigger fear each time you think of him, beware! “Perfect love casts away fear
If she does not respect you before marriage, nothing guarantees she would after the wedding.
The way he relates with the ladies around him, including his mother and sisters, says a lot about his person
The way you dress speaks volumes. Your appearance would reveal if you know how precious your body is.
Trashing others with his/her words is a red flag
Does he have commitment issues; moving from job to job, relationship to relationship,..? You may want to check again
The moment I’ve been waiting for! If I am stuck with someone who has a lot of negative traits, so obviously not a potential spouse, how can I call it quit? I wouldn’t want to be perceived as one who took advantage of someone.
Good evening Great Ladies and Gentle Men in the house. Considering the topic at hand, a couple as I understand refers to a Man and a woman with one destiny (even though they are two different individuals).
Hence, in looking out for a Spouse, One is adviced to look for the following:
1. An individual ready to run with one vision untill they both arrive at their Destiny
2. An Individual whom will NOT see and potray self, but the Union
3. An individual whose ultmost worship to is to author and giver of their Destiny and acknowledges same as the reason for the Union.
What should I be doing while I wait to be found?
Please, don’t put your life on hold, keep growing, learning and pursuing your goals.
Make friends and expand your circle of friendship.
Work on your self-esteem, because a Potential Spouse may walk away when they sense desperation.
Do something or a hobby you love.
Live your life, don’t put it on hold for anything.
Where can I find someone to marry?
Look amongst your friends, it is better to marry a friend like we said earlier. Friendship should be the foundation of every marriage. Those who are not friends, sometimes grow apart…
How do I recognize God’s perfect will for me?
Be cautious of people who say to you “God said you are my spouse; it’s either they are spiritually immature, manipulative, or confused. More so, you will have peace about it. God guides with inner-peace.
You also need to know what you want etc
As the saying goes, “a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage”, but this does not imply that one should break a relationship at the slightest sign of a flaw. Marriage involves tolerance because there are no perfect individuals. We are all work in progress. However, based on what you said, “he is never straight, always evasive, lies,…”, it appears he has integrity issues which raise red flags. At the end of the day, what we get married to is the nature and character of a person. The question is can you stand his lack of integrity?
‘Potential Spouse’: What to look out for in a Potential Spouse!
Great Evening to you all. We would commence in 8 minutes
Please feel free to ask your question and leave your comments
Statistics about marriage in the US, UK and different countries across the globe as regards failing marriages is not encouraging. Everyone seems to be saying that marriage is hard for different reasons. Sometimes, I ask where are the positive examples?
He was very nice to me and we had wonderful moments together, but he suddenly went distant and the relationship fizzled out. After one year 3months, he returns and is pleading with me to take him back. Is he a potential spouse?
This is a practical question, and you are in the right place? You are most welcome 🙂
Many times, singles approach us to ask different questions as regards recognising Mr./Mrs. Right; how do I make the right choice?
What should a single person look out for in a Potential Spouse?
1. The person must have a vision, a direction for his or life.
As a couple, our duty is to help each other fulfill destiny. Does he challenge you to aspire and pursue your goals? Does he plan to put make you a full-time house wife, contrary to your goals and plans. There is nothing wrong with being a house wife if that is your goal or your temporary focus in order to raise the children. However, if it is against your life mission or view, please take a closer look.
We would address specific questions at 6:50pm
2. Is he always thinking of what to grab from you, abusing your femininity… Some men only see ‘body parts’ when they see ladies. If his eyes keeps moving and roving …
What if he claims he has a vision and you can’t make sense of it?
Great question, many people claim to have vision, but 3 years down the line, they have nothing to show. If he truly has one, it will begin to show… How? 1. It would determine his behaviour. 2. His plans. 3. His spending; vision always speaks. It would consume him 4. His conversations would be seasoned by it. etc
3. Does she have the capacity to forgive? The inability to forgive is a serious warning sign. In marriage, conflict management and resolution will take place from time to time when different issues come up. Hence, if you have someone who cannot forgive minor issues, hmm…
Attributes to look for in a man
1. Genuine fear of God
2. Responsible- can he take care of himself?does he take care of his parents or siblings? Etc
3. Future plans – lookout for potentials those are great men in the future. Michelle saw it in Obama
Great points at Grace. Being responsible is very critical. There would be bills to be paid, problems to be solved, goals, deadlines, etc Marriage is real life. You need someone you can trust to achieve things with…
4. A Potential Spouse would not be ‘needy’. Marriage is the coming together of two independent and whole individuals. If you have someone who cannot think or do anything without you, needs you to do everything for them, you need to check his/her background. Some people were spoilt silly, such that they can barely help themselves or achieve any worthwhile goal.
I have a rather radical view when it comes to what to look our for before marrying. Needless to say many do not agree with my position.
It is my opinion that it is impossible to “truly” know your spouse until you are married especually in the christian context. Reason is that alot of your interactions are guarded and limited and if you are unlucky to be with a pretencious individual, you could be for a shocker!
For example, if my wife knew how loudly I snore, we probably would not be married now! lucky me! What am I trying to say? Marriage is a journey of discovery and you will see something’s along the way that you don’t like and didn’t bargain for. What I am saying is that you probably might not who your spouse really is until you start living together. I mean those little things that make your spouse who they really are. All you see during courtship is only a preview. The real movie begins after you say”I do”!
So, what is my suggestion? Marry a friend! A really good friend! Of course, the direction of the Holy Spirit is very important, but close on the heels of that is true friendship. Haven’t you seen how very good friends are able to forgive one another easily. Also, they are able to be honest with each other, at least most of the time. I put friendship before the sparks and romance. Trust me, all that might fail but friendship will keep you guys going.
Awesome points… marry a friend! A friend you can be yourself With; whom you can be ‘real’ with, you don’t have to ‘act or form’. 🙂
@Femi – I am of the opinion that people should talk, talk and talk during courtship. If they do, some things would not be shocking after getting married. Thus, they should both know the big and small things. Of course, some discoveries would be made after marriage. We keep discovering ourselves everyday, but they should talk about everything.
Awesome @ Anonymous, lol. I remember someone who came for a coaching session. She was concerned about a relationship she was in at the time. He goes off for a long period of time… and never calls. After a long time, he would call with different excuses about his phone not being with him, busy at work, network issues, etc. It turned out that he was seeing someone else…
A potential spouse must be open and transparent, nothing hidden. There should be no BIG surprises after Marriage as that could be considered deceitful.
5. Emotional stability. You don’t want someone who is happy this minute and moody the next. Always fluctuating, you don’t know what to expect. He/she is not predictable. Instability, can lead to costly mistakes as a result of bad decisions.
6. A Potential Spouse should have an authority figure in his or her life. Someone who can call him or her to order. Humility is power under control.
7. The man should have a job. Something he can do to earn a living in order to look after his family.
8. A Potential Spouse, must have a relationship with God; consistent walk with God, the type that shows in character and attitudes. Many people claim to be Christians but do not have ‘fruits’
Please ask your questions…
If he is so controlling and takes you away from all your friends, check again
Being in love should not leave you feeling less. A potential spouse builds the esteem of a loved one.
If his actions trigger fear each time you think of him, beware! “Perfect love casts away fear
If she does not respect you before marriage, nothing guarantees she would after the wedding.
The way he relates with the ladies around him, including his mother and sisters, says a lot about his person
The way you dress speaks volumes. Your appearance would reveal if you know how precious your body is.
Trashing others with his/her words is a red flag
Does he have commitment issues; moving from job to job, relationship to relationship,..? You may want to check again
The moment I’ve been waiting for! If I am stuck with someone who has a lot of negative traits, so obviously not a potential spouse, how can I call it quit? I wouldn’t want to be perceived as one who took advantage of someone.
What do you mean by negative traits, can you give examples?
Good evening Great Ladies and Gentle Men in the house. Considering the topic at hand, a couple as I understand refers to a Man and a woman with one destiny (even though they are two different individuals).
Hence, in looking out for a Spouse, One is adviced to look for the following:
1. An individual ready to run with one vision untill they both arrive at their Destiny
2. An Individual whom will NOT see and potray self, but the Union
3. An individual whose ultmost worship to is to author and giver of their Destiny and acknowledges same as the reason for the Union.
Great point @ Chubi, an individual who will portray and focus on the union, just like Jimmy Evans said
“Marriage is brutal on selfish people”
What should I be doing while I wait to be found?
Please, don’t put your life on hold, keep growing, learning and pursuing your goals.
Make friends and expand your circle of friendship.
Work on your self-esteem, because a Potential Spouse may walk away when they sense desperation.
Do something or a hobby you love.
Live your life, don’t put it on hold for anything.
Where can I find someone to marry?
Look amongst your friends, it is better to marry a friend like we said earlier. Friendship should be the foundation of every marriage. Those who are not friends, sometimes grow apart…
How do I recognize God’s perfect will for me?
Be cautious of people who say to you “God said you are my spouse; it’s either they are spiritually immature, manipulative, or confused. More so, you will have peace about it. God guides with inner-peace.
You also need to know what you want etc
Thank you all for joining us. We ask that God will guide you into making the right choice in Jesus name
Till our next discussion, bye for now.
NB: You can still drop your questions, if you have any, we would respond.
He is never straight, always evasive, lies,… Started noticing these recently
As the saying goes, “a broken relationship is better than a broken marriage”, but this does not imply that one should break a relationship at the slightest sign of a flaw. Marriage involves tolerance because there are no perfect individuals. We are all work in progress. However, based on what you said, “he is never straight, always evasive, lies,…”, it appears he has integrity issues which raise red flags. At the end of the day, what we get married to is the nature and character of a person. The question is can you stand his lack of integrity?
If you are single, please send us a message through our contact us page to get a free e-book on marrying well.