People are not their behaviour by Victor Akunna

Early that morning, three years ago, I had just sent a BBM broadcast to my contacts. Mr. Innocent Usar, one of the brightest minds on Neurolinguistic programming, reached out to me to add his thoughts to the broadcast, commending what my wife and I do.

In the course of our brief chat, he dropped a ‘bombshell’, “people are not their behaviours”, and just carried on. Those words never left my mind.

You see, we often claim we love people unconditionally, especially our loved ones, but until we can look beyond their flaws, we may not be able to love them at the deepest level.

Until a parent loves his/her child, despite their poor grades, not subscribing to that parent’s religious views or sexual orientation, he/she cannot claim to love unconditionally.

Until the desire to love outweighs the need to be seen as the parents of ‘responsible children’, the best we can claim is transactional love, not unconditional love.

This applies to marriage as well. We can’t claim we love each other unconditionally, until we look beyond certain flaws or situations, and still love.

Nelson Mandela had to forgive his oppressors, not because they changed, but because he saw a higher purpose.

God loved us while we were yet sinners because lost and broken people recognise and respond to unconditional love when they experience it.

This is not to encourage irrational behaviours, rather it is to reiterate that to build true intimacy with your loved ones, especially your spouse, you must enlarge your heart and your capacity to love unconditionally. True intimacy thrives in the bossom of unconditional love.

Victor Akunna

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