“Our Romance Story” – By Pastor Gbolahan and Cllr. Afolashade Bright

FFA: Please introduce yourselves.

I am Afolashade Bright. I am a Councillor in The London Borough of Barking and Dagenham Council. I was the Director and former Mayor (2006/2007) in London Borough of Hackney. I am also a Pastor’s wife.

 

FFA: Wow! A woman with many hats indeed.

I am Pastor Gbolahan Bright, Pastor of RCCG, The Master’s Sanctuary, Dagenham, UK. I am a teacher by profession, I’ve been teaching for over 30 years in the UK and abroad. I am the proprietor of Bright Academy. A recent recipient of the Queen’s award, MBE, in the Queen’s Honours List 2015.

FFA: Awesome! What a life of dedicated service!

How long have you been married?

We have been married for 25 years. July 18 was our 25th anniversary.

FFA: What was the attraction?

It was his character. He is a child of God, a true Christian. He is older than me and I had always wanted a brother/father figure as a husband, not someone I would throw tantrums at 😉

When I got to know him, I just felt he was my husband-to-be; it was the first intuition.

 

FFA: How did you meet?

Hmmm… Long story, but short. We met at the train station – Bank Station

 

FFA: At the train station? Interesting!

I was living in Balham with parents. My friend, Bimbo, invited me to her church, New Covenant Church in Bethnal Green. She described how to get there, but when we got to Bethnal Green, the train didn’t stop. Instead, it continued to the next stop, Mile End. I had never been to that area.

Now, here was this man on the train with a big Bible, we entered the same cabin at Bank Station. He saw me puzzled and asked if I was ok, I didn’t want to talk to him, I thought to myself, “what’s his business?“, but it was a Sunday morning, so I politely explained because I needed help. He said he didn’t really know the church, but knows Bethnal Green. He decided to help me get to the place and quickly head to his church in Hackney, he was a Sunday School teacher and did not want to be late. We took a bus down.

We exchanged numbers, but deliberately, the last digit I gave him was wrong. I didn’t want anything to do with him, just show me the way to the church and go. I smiled when he said he would call me later. He showed me the way and left, I didn’t even ask the name of his church.

When Bimbo saw him, she said, “Shade, that man is not just an ordinary man, that must be your husband“. We both laughed as girls would do.

As God would have it, he kept trying to reach me. For some strange reason, each time, he would change the last digit and try. Eventually, he got through!

FFA: Hmmm…. I’m so thrilled!

That was providence and God. He would not have gotten it. Interestingly, the day he called, my mum picked the phone.

FFA: Lol! There was no room for you to run away again. How did he propose?

He used to live in Charlton and started coming to our house. He came for my mum’s birthday and then mine. Of course, he spoke with my mum that first day and she became interested in him. He would say he was coming to teach me the Bible and my mum would say, “have you not told him that you got an A in Bible Knowledge in GCSE? Does he not want something else?”  I would say, “no mum, he wants to make me more steady in the Lord“. Mum would smile and say, “we’ll see“.

FFA: It’s amazing how mothers pick these things?

Mum started saying things like, “this might be my son in-law“. Mum’s friend, Mrs. Ajayi, who was around for the Adaptation Nursing course loved him. They kept saying positive things about him, he looked nice and sharp, very humble and helpful. I would smile because he hadn’t proposed, but mum was so sure. He was just a friend, nothing else.

One night, mum had gone to work (mum is a nurse), he popped the question on phone. He didn’t beat around the bush; he said he didn’t want a girlfriend, he had heard from God and those who prayed along confirmed it. I didn’t give an answer, I told him we will talk about it – not that night. He started asking if I didn’t like him. I told him I didn’t want to talk about it that night.

Next day, a ring came through the door, he called it the Promise Ring. I still have it. It was at that point I started getting interested, this guy is not joking. I told mum, “Gbola has given me a promise ring“. She didn’t know what that was, I had to tell her, “he is promising to marry me“.

FFA: Yippee!

I wasn’t ready, I started asking, “could this be true?”

I wanted to study law and that was what was on my mind, not marriage. I had done my first degree, but law was what I always wanted to do. I had registered to study law, but things were happening faster than I expected. God was planning something else.

He said he didn’t want to waste time. This was in January and he wanted us to get married in May/June that year. Things were unfolding so quick, like a film. Obviously, I already liked him and was interested and didn’t have any reason to say no. He was everything you’d want in a man, the humility; my mum and her friend liked him; there was no competing personality around me. It was just God!

He had a date in mind. His parents were around from Nigeria when he proposed, so he introduced me and when my mum went back to Nigeria, they went to meet my parents, did the introduction and eventually, we got married 18 July, the same year.

FFA: Wow! Nothing can stop a determined man!:-) What are the things you do to be more intimate?

As with every marriage, it has not been a plain sailing, but divorce is not an option. We disagree to agree, we communicate, talk about it, sort it out and leave it behind.

We have learnt to retreat, we go away without the children, be on our own. Sometimes, we do family holidays, but we go to be by ourselves. We talk about issues and how we do not want them to repeat. If we don’t, minor things that shouldn’t cause issues would escalate. We get out of the stress – which can cause more problem – and talk.

Prayer is good, but prayer without action won’t pay. You’ve got to pray, but back it up with action. Realise what you are doing is not right. If you are praying, reading the Bible and not doing the right thing, it won’t work.

Sometimes, we go out alone to eat, many times, with the children. We do more of that now that our children are older. We seize any opportunity to bond with the children now before they all leave home, we don’t have too many years left with them before it is just two of us again. We take advantage of celebrations – birthdays, exam success,… – every opportunity to do things together as a family.

FFA: Great!!! You touched on the next question a bit – do you have family rituals/routines that bind you together? Do you want to add more to that?

Prayer – we pray as a family, but before any child steps out of the house to work or school, we pray with them. It has become a routine and they ask for it before leaving. We pray even with our son in America before he goes to bed. Sometimes, he  FaceTimes to tell us he has been waiting before going to bed. Even when they step out in a hurry, they come back to say, “dad, mum, you have not prayed with us”. We make declarations over them. Each of them has a special day in the week when we pray specifically for him /her. Even when we are on holidays, we call in to pray with them. It’s a part of them now and they know they have to pray. It is an established routine.

Another is to make sure they don’t leave their rooms untidy – even if they are running late. It has to be tidied to at least a reasonable standard. They Hoover the house and chairs once everyday, when they get back. Whoever gets home first does that. There is no specific chore for anyone. If mum gets home first, she uses the handheld Hoover to hoover the chairs. I tell them we have no house-help, so if there is anything to be done, just do it. Some people believe washing clothes is for the children to do, I don’t believe that. I can do it. When I am out, they do it, anyone can do it. We just get on and get things done. Even daddy is not left out, he does whatever there is to do.

Even with the church, the children are involved. On Sundays, they pick up members without cars, they have families they pick up. They ring a night before and know who to pick up. With Joshua in America now, the family he used to pick up FaceTime him to tell him about the service. They decided to start coming on their own now.

They know what makes us happy and in their own way, they contribute. As parents, we do the same. No matter how big they are, they listen to us. Our son in America called one day to say he was going to an event, I told him not to go, his uncle will come to see him. He simply said, “OK mum, I will wait“. Some children would have said, he can come another time. They listen. God blessed us with them and blessed them with us.

FFA: Wow! How many children do you have?

Three, we have two girls and a boy. If there was ever another comeback, I will still get married to my husband and have those children. That’s a wish, you know.

FFA: Awesome! We like that!

What advice do you have for singles/the engaged?

For Singles

Pray, but I don’t want to over-spiritualise everything. Open your eyes and know the right type of person you want to live the rest of your life with. Know your passion. Marry someone you can do things together with, it could be reading, recreation, travelling and many other things.

Marry someone you know you can live with and you can see those things in courtship. Word of caution – You cannot see everything in courtship. Some men/women can be deceptive and keep things in courtship. Get advice from your Pastor and people who have good homes, pray and those hidden things will be revealed, then it is up to you whether to carry on or not.

If you have God in your courtship, you know He will be in your marriage. I am not saying you have to say, “I heard from God“, you don’t have to announce it, but God sees your heart and knows you are putting Him as a factor in the marriage, you are putting Him first. If that is the case, the marriage will stand the test of time, He will see you through. Please open your eyes.

For the Married

Listen, love and support each other. For young couples, you need to be deliberate and sensitive about the people you bring into your home. You need to be discerning because every person carries a ‘presence’.

FFA: Deep insights!

How have you been able to navigate through the challenges of each phase of your marriage?

I don’t believe there is any couple that does not have a misunderstanding, I don’t believe that. We disagree to agree, we are not robots, we are humans from different backgrounds.

We once had an issue that caused us not to talk for hours, I got to work and realised that we didn’t talk as we used to, just monosyllables. What was the matter? One of the children wanted to order Chinese for us, I wanted Black Beans Sauce, my husband wanted something else. I just said, “let’s not order that, the last time you did, it was wasted.” He took offence because of the way I spoke to him before the children. I didn’t mean to, but I should have lowered my voice.  When I got to work, I picked up the phone and called him, he asked why I was calling, I said I called just to say hi and that was how I broke the ice.

We shouldn’t behave as babies. Some couples don’t speak for weeks, months, picking on little things and the issue escalates. I had to quickly nip it in the bud, this can’t carry on. Imagine telling someone that we were not talking because of food. When we disagree, we need to agree, we argue to settle. We just need to meet at a comfortable point. That has kept us going for 25 years. I have not had a bad deal and he has not had a bad deal. Every morning I wake up, I am grateful to God for him.

I pray for my husband a lot. At work, when I think of him, something he is trusting God for, I pray. God sees those things, they are investments. Every prayer for your spouse is an investment, whether he/she knows about it or not. Put your spouse constantly before God, when God is hearing his/her name all the time, the marriage is bound to work.

FFA: Any encouraging words for couples going through a challenging time?

Cllr. Bright:  There is this challenge of divorce. This is very common now. It is about understanding each other. Don’t underestimate prayer and counselling. Some people have a challenge and bottle-up until it can no longer be remedied. Seek help immediately from seasoned men of God, those who are in marriage counselling, not just psychologists. I have seen people go through that, have a turnaround and inject romance back into their marriage. They are now the best husbands and wives.

Trust more in God. For those trusting God for children, I believe God gives children. Children cannot be bought. They should stick together, the more they get closer to each other with the God factor, God will give them children. Often times, men go out there to do things they shouldn’t do. Hold on to God, don’t let pressure from parents or in-laws to get into your relationship. When it is God’s time to visit that home, He will.

Pastor Bright: From my little experience of life, I have come to know that we only know in part as humans. No Pastor, General Oversee, no human, has the solution or full understanding. We only know in part why some things happen.

Every marriage, without exception, has challenges. Some people, when encouraging others, are superficial, every marriage/family has its challenge. That is why we need to understand the importance of holding fast in God and not undermine the importance of prayer.

FFA: What an awesome gift you are to this generation. Thank you so much for sharing your Romance Story.

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