Our Romance Story – By Emmanuel and Itoro Effiong-Bright

FFA: Thank you for being willing to share your Romance Story with us. Can you introduce yourselves, please?

My name is Emmanuel and she’s Itoro. We resolved to share same surname “Effiong-Bright” years ago. That makes us Emmanuel and Itoro Effiong-Bright (laughs). We are passionate Nigerians and both employees turned entrepreneurs. I actually resigned to start my own business some 6 years ago and since she likes to copy and paste the things I do, she followed suit 3 years ago.

FFA: Wow, what an introduction.😂 How long have you been married?

We’ve been married for 10 years. Prior to our marriage, we had been friends for about 4 years and we courted for about 2 years.

FFA: Awesome! At what point did you decide to marry her?

Emmanuel: Unlike some people, an angel didn’t come down from heaven to whisper her name in my ears. Even though we were friends, I always had this list of what my wife should look like. You know how young men and women sometimes calculate their destiny to the nearest decimal point. Interestingly, she wasn’t on my list, basically because even though she passed my “intelligence test” and “character test” she failed my “fashion test” Moreover, she wasn’t even a graduate yet. My list had “graduate” as a matter of priority. One day, I stumbled on a book where the author wrote “people are like stocks; it is wiser to buy a good one with potentials when it’s still affordable because when the value increases, people will rush for it and the price would increase”. I made up my mind there and then I was going to marry her. I couldn’t afford to take chances. I decided I was going to teach her how to dress. I did and today, she dresses way better than me (laughs)

FFA: What a bridegroom! Grooming your Jewel to be a world-classs woman! Why did you decide to marry him, ma’am?

Itoro: I realised overtime I started trusting his judgment. He was (and still is) knowledgeable in many respects and it was obvious he was committed to helping me build myself. He bought me books and introduced me to other self-development opportunities.  Even though I didn’t feel those butterfly-in-the-belly feelings at first, I had silently made up my mind that I was only going to marry a man he approves of. How was I to know the smart dude was planning to approve himself? (laughs)

FFA: Lol, he decided to add value immediately! This is getting juicy.😀

Sincerely, he had become a brother/mentor and the thought of marrying him didn’t cross my mind. If everyone thought we were siblings, I wasn’t ready to disappoint them. As far as I was concerned, we were “too close” to be husband and wife. One day, my pastor’s wife asked me why I wasn’t “feeling his vibes” and I told her we were too close. She asked how such advantage had suddenly become a disadvantage. That struck me. I saw my folly and made up my mind I was going to wear the ring (laughs).

FFA: Oh oh, he had to hang in there, waiting for the ring to be worn😆. What attracted her to you?

Emmanuel: First, it was her pretty, calm face, especially her smile. Till date, I still think she has the sweetest smile in the neighbourhood, I’m not kidding. If you’re hungry and she smiles at you, it has a way of reducing the hunger by 50%. Well, let’s say 25% (laughs). I also noticed within minutes of meeting her how she tried to help as many people around her as possible. As time went on, it was obvious she was in love with God and the things that concern HIM. Oh, did I also mention that she has a cute pair of long legs? She does. So one day, I decided to say hello to her on my way back from work. She was in her shorts and didn’t know I was coming. She opened the door and before I could say “hi” she dashed for a wrapper. Too late, I had seen those legs. What?!!! I fast-tracked our wedding o! (Laughs)

FFA: Lol, 😂😂😂

Itoro: He has spoken for two, so let me summarise my part (Laughs). I discovered he is a believer at heart and in actions. His love for God is genuine. One thing that swept me off my feet is his respect for women and his sincere concern for me. This is ten years down the line and I can comfortably say that he sincerely cares about my happiness.

FFA: Hmmm, what a gentleman! How did you propose?

Emmanuel: I wish you didn’t ask that question, but now that you have, I must say it was the most unromantic proposal I ever imagined. Originally, I had planned to take her to Ikogosi Warm Springs, a resort South-West of Nigeria, a place with a spot popular for its rare blend of warm and cold water. I was looking for an apt metaphor to assure her I’ll be there for her when life gets hot or cold. I’m glad I didn’t waste my money. I proposed to her in an eatery. Thankfully, there was nobody there. The young lady shouted the hell out of me. Can you imagine? What did I do wrong?! I just asked her to spend the rest of her life with me!

FFA: 😁😁 You probably took her by surprise!

Itoro: When he “proposed”, I was shocked and somewhat disappointed. Remember we had become quite close. I walked away yelling things like, “all men are the same. You are not any different? Why can’t you guys just genuinely care about someone without asking for anything more? I thought you sincerely cared?” I walked home that evening, got on my bed and fell ill instantly. My mum was shocked when she saw me. She thought the world had fallen on me. I guess it was the shock of being asked to be a “MRS” as if four years of friendship wasn’t enough (laughs). After thorough thinking, counselling, praying and fasting, I felt convinced it was a good decision, so I said YES months after. After all, he only asked me to marry him, not the entire universe (laughs).

FFA: Wow! So dramatic! The gentleman only asked for marriage 😂😂.

How do you fill ur Romance tank; improve intimacy and take Romance to the next level?

Emmanuel: We chat (online and offline), fortunately for me, she doubles as the family’s unofficial comedienne, so we do a lot of laughing too. We also look for excuses to visit places together, watch movies together, etc. Our level of involvement in each other’s business also means we get to spend more time together. And least I forget, she loves to take long walks. I’m not as crazy about that as I used to be, but I do it because it’s her own way of easing off stress. Her happiness automatically rubs off on me.

FFA: The sacrifices we make for love! Lol!

Itoro: We discovered we were becoming too busy, so we started fixing dates deliberately. I think the most important thing is that we enjoy being together, so we look forward to it. Apart from taking long walks like he mentioned, sometimes, we just stroll to an open area, look for a tent or broken bench and sit. The gist is always more important than the environment. Especially when the gist is still hot (laughs). We could be there for hours, discussing business, family, our new perspectives to life, our goals, etc. Sometimes, we just sit and watch people interacting in public spaces.  I tell you, there’s so much one can learn from just observing how other people interact.

FFA: We have to be deliberate about these things. Like we’d often say, the only marriage we get by chance is a boring one.

Do you have family rituals that bind you together?

Emmanuel: I guess our next level romance rituals are same as our family rituals except that in this case, our children are also involved. When the children are involved, we call it a “compensation package” (laughs). And yes, we try to read books and other stuffs together from time to time. We wish we can do more of that though.

Itoro: Sometimes we go on a family retreat together (just us and the kids), no cooking, no work, just pray, eat, gist and play together for a minimum of three days. Usually, it gives us enough time to review our goals individually and bond well. The most interesting part for me is watching my kids review how well we, as parents, have improved in areas they had previously complained about. They can be so blunt and sincere… you know. I personally go back home feeling refreshed. Oh, we also travel too, when time and money permits.

FFA: What a balanced family! How have you been able to navigate through the challenges of different phases of your marriage?

Emmanuel: Oh, let me quickly say this before I forget…we have a rule. It’s been operative the last 10 years – NO MATTER HOW HURT OR ANGRY YOU ARE, YOU MUST EAT YOUR MEALS. So if she annoys me, for example, I can squeeze my face all I want, but I must eat the food she serves me. It’s difficult to eat a tasty meal and still be angry with the person who prepared it, plus my wife is a chef to the bone (licks fingers). The anger would have subsided by 20% by the time you’re done eating (laughs). On a more serious note, like many couples, we’ve had our own fair share of challenges over the years. From career, financial to geographical and sometimes health. In all of this, we try to be real. We believe in the power of faith, but we do not also hesitate to call a spade a spade. We agree first that a situation is what it is before we accept that it requires change either physically, spiritually or both. Beyond all these, we daily strive, in spite of modern distractions like social media and cable television, to grow our faith in God and when our faith cannot hold us, we are quick to tell God our faith tank is low and in serious need of a grace refill. God has been there for us. Without him, we would not have made it this far. Thank you Jesus!

I remember when I had to resign from my job with little or nothing in my bank account. Nothing feels half as bad as your little son asking you for a loaf of bread and you can’t give him because you simply don’t have the money to buy it.  I can’t forget one night we ate the last plate of rice in the house (I mean rice prepared with palm oil and no ingredients save for salt) and we didn’t know where breakfast would come from the next day. Guess what, someone we hadn’t seen in a long while knocked on our door same night with a bag of rice and other foodstuffs. That night we both wept. God had shown us how awesome He is. It wasn’t just about the bag of rice, it was the fact that God knew exactly what we were going through per time. It’s been years since that incidence, yet we still can’t get over it.

Itoro: One thing I appreciate about our marriage is our openness. Knowing I can comfortably say how I feel without being misunderstood or judged is something I cherish. If I feel my love tank is low, I say it! We discuss it, decide on what to do and DELIBERATELY take steps to refill it and vice versa. Another key for us is contentment. I do not wish to have anyone else’s kind of marriage. I’m content with my own marriage. We do not compare ourselves with other couples. We discovered a long time ago that a lot goes on behind the scenes of all marriages, so what we need do is appreciate what we have and continue to make effort to make it better.

Basically, we walk through our stages in marriage together. It is actually getting better with each passing year, especially since our career paths seem to be aligning more lately. He has great passion for growing businesses, I have same passion as well. So, beyond marriage, we are also business partners.

FFA: Wow! How profound, God is indeed mindful of us, no matter how huge the challenge seems, He always comes through for us, we just need to keep refilling our faith tank. Thank you so much for that.

Any words of encouragement for couples through challenging times?

The challenge should not be your focus; your focus should be how quick you can rise from it. Someone once said “challenge is the breakfast of champions” I’d like to add that it is “the badge of winning couples” They’re the things you look back and say to yourselves, if God could take us through that, HE will surely take us through this. I have realized that challenges have a bonding, not destructive, effect on visionary couples. How you overcome it always tells on the quality of your relationship. Ultimately, it pays to look up to God. He said before you were conceived in your mother’s womb, he knew you and decided who you would be (in spite of challenges). Do what you can do and leave what you can’t do to HIM. I like one particular quote, it says “those who leave everything in God’s hands, will eventually see God’s hands in everything”.  PUT GOD FIRST.

Itoro: Please, always remember you are not COMPETING with each other, but COMPLETING each other. It is not war! If your partner wins, you win. If your partner loses, you’ve lost! Do not be permanently on the offensive or defensive, discover new ways of resolving your differences. I will also say be careful who you seek counsel from. A lot of people we call mentors out there are hurting, do not let them release their pain on your marriage. Be discerning enough to know the right counsel to take.  Find time to really pray for your spouse, do not compare yourselves with others… The fact that the grass appears greener on the other side does not mean it is actually greener. Maximize your marriage by making the most of the gift (spouse) God has given to you.

FFA: Wow! Words of wisdom! There is so much to glean from your story.

What advice do you have for Singles/The Engaged?

Emmanuel: Three things: Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy yourself. Marriage is not Moin-Moin (baked beans). If you are not ready, enjoy yourself positively where you are. While waiting for Mr or Mrs Right, do all you can to make yourself the right person. Discover who you are and what you want to do with your life so when your partner comes along, you’ll have better negotiating power. Your negotiating power reduces after marriage (laughter).

Yes, marriage is not Moin-Moin (baked beans), but you should knock out the thought of divorce from your diary. Marriage can be and should be fun, especially if you work at it. As a matter of fact, I believe what people call DIVORCE in some cases, is actually SELF DISCOVERY. After years of marriage, some people suddenly realise who they are and therefore, why they can no longer spend time with the person they took an oath to spend the rest of their lives with. Start early. Read books on marriage, read books on family finance, read books that will make you the spouse your spouse has always dreamt of. If you are not the forgiving and patient type, now is the best time to learn forgiveness, patience, and tolerance. Yes, marriage can be rosy, but there are times you just want to look your partner in the eye and tell him/her “shit”. Love, however, makes you realise he/she is not perfect, just like you aren’t.  Did I mention forgiveness? Well, maybe I should mention it again…” sometimes seemingly perfect people do imperfect things. Sometimes it’s not planned. You must realise that we live in a world where forces are competing for a space in our destiny. God is always there to help. When you forgive, you help the other person find God.”

FFA: Deep! “When you forgive, you help the other person find God”. So loaded!

Itoro: Dear singles, wealth is important, but please do not marry someone because of his or her wealth, fame or looks. These things have the capacity to fade with time. Marry his or her VALUES. When you marry someone whose VALUES do not align with yours, you are pouring fuel on coal and the challenges in marriage will naturally spark the fire! When it is done burning, your marriage may have turned to ashes. Do not let marriage be your tool of validation, if you do, the pressure from your parents, friends and society in general may successfully push you into making a desperate and wrong decision. Eventually, the pressure you will face trying to keep that marriage or dissolve it may be more than the one you faced while you were single.

Dear singles, please be ready to walk with God, let Him lead you in a path that will help your destiny find expression. If you walk with God and yield to His instruction, you will NEVER marry a destiny destroyer. God surely knows the end from the beginning and you can trust Him to lead you in the right direction.

FFA: Deep! Indeed, marriage is not a tool of validation. It’s so refreshing having you guys.

Thanks for having us here. We love you guys. You’re doing a fantastic job.

FFA: What an awesome time! We are glad you shared your Romance Story, thank you for being so real. We love you too!

To follow them, check out their contacts: Instagram: icanemmagine  Ibomsoups

Twitter: @itoroeb

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