Intimacy Code: Understanding Your Spouse By Chidi Akunna

A key virtue in life is understanding. We need to understand those around us, but what happens when those around us do not understand us?

Sharing an office with others means that we have to at least cope with how they feel as regards the room temperature, they may decide to turn off the heater on a cold Autumn morning☹️️. Last week, a colleague walked in and said it was too warm for her.

“Is it just me, or is it too warm in here?”, she asked.
“Ouch!”, I whispered to myself because I knew what would follow that.
“I think it is too warm”, another colleague seconded.

Before she reached for the remote to turn off the heater, the rest of us in the office chorused, “it’s freezing!” We wouldn’t let that happen this time.

Could it be that they think it is easier to put up with being cold by layering up than being too warm?

In my analytical nature and with a piece of tissue over my nose, I took a journey down the path of marriage. What is the role of understanding in marriage?

To build a great marriage, I must understand myself and also understand my spouse. To understand my husband, I would have to pay attention to his needs; what makes him happy, what makes him feel appreciated. I would only be ruining things by getting overly critical of the things he does, without understanding why he does things the way he does. Some weeks ago, I was stressing out about something and was wondering why he was not feeling the way I was feeling. He said to me, “we are looking at this situation from different perspectives.” When he explained, I actually realised that there was no need to stress out about it. Seek to understand

Understanding will incite empathy and patience. This is more rewarding as it puts you in the right frame of mind, with the right tone. It is important to talk with your spouse, consider his/her background and how he/she was raised. That thing that has become an issue between you and your spouse may be dealt with easily, if you are patient and willing to consider a few things – if you are more understanding. Seek to understand

Do you have expectations of your spouse that he/she is not meeting? Have you questioned why this may be happening? Are you failing to consider certain things? Seek to understand

To foster understanding,
– Seek to see things through the eyes of your spouse. According to Stephen Covey, we must seek to understand before seeking to be understood.
– Listen actively – Aside making your spouse feel important, it helps you follow through the line of thought being discussed.
– Listen with an open mind, without judging or concluding hastily.

When spouses understand each other, they will have less conflict, have a stronger bond and will be able to achieve so much together.

Chidi Akunna
Romance & Intimacy Catalyst
Foundation For Family Affairs

Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents.

She has co-authored some books with her husband, Victor Akunna, and partners with him in running “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.

Photo Credit: tellyouall.com