“He hits me at will!”

“He hits me at will, shouts at me, even in public and practically humiliates me. I am a stickler for marriage, I believe that children deserve to be raised by two parents, not one. I am determined to stay in this marriage, I can’t imagine the embarrassment of being tagged divorced. Recently, he has been threatening to leave the marriage, I feel like my world is crumbling, I am losing my mind. What can I do to make him stay?”

Your story is so touching, it is obvious, based on the information provided, that you have put a lot of effort into making your marriage work. Sadly, you are only responsible for your actions. Don’t beat yourself up over something beyond your control; you believe that children should be raised by two parents, but things are not going as you want them. That should not make you feel like a failure.

I appreciate the fact that you are a stickler for marriage. If you both had this mindset, things would probably have been different. That said, marriage is not what defines you, your worth is not determined by your marital status. Single or married, you are valuable. Yes, it may be embarrassing to be tagged divorced, but you are valuable. The worth and value of a thing is determined by the price that can be paid for it; God considered you worthy enough for His only son to lay down His life for you.

This is not to make light of how you feel about the state of things in your marriage, but I have seen women whose lives stopped because their husbands walked out, I have seen women who lost every sense of excitement in life and even felt there was nothing to live for. Please cry if you feel like crying (it will actually help to release the stress), but do not cry like one without hope. Pick up yourself again and find a passion to live for.

Often times, when women have been treated wrongly and humiliated over a period of time, it is difficult for them to see anything good in themselves. You may need to retrieve and spend some time by yourself; rediscover yourself. Spend some time in God’s presence to discover your identity. Seek to know and embrace who God says you are.

I also think it is important to explore why he may be behaving the way he is.
Has he always been like this?
Did he change after some time?
What could have made him change?
Who are his friends?
Did your actions or inactions contribute to making him act like he is?

This is not to excuse his behaviour, but is it possible that he is reacting to something you are doing or something you have stopped doing? Whilst exploring that, you must put your safety and that of the children into consideration. In addition to this, you may need to seek professional help.

There are situations we may not be able to understand or make sense of, but God certainly understands. Talk to God about the situation. May His peace fill your heart!

Chidi Akunna
Foundation for Family Affairs

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