Some weeks ago, I wrote the quote below on one of the platforms my husband and I anchor and I was challenged to provide suggestions on how to detox.
“Detox your system of stress. Stressed couples rarely find time to be romantic, they are often busy with immediate and urgent needs and may push aside important things, like their marriage, to the background.” – Chidi Akunna
According to NHS UK, “stress is the feeling of being under too much mental or emotional pressure”. Stress can take its toll on us, a lot of activities we are involved in, and some of the experiences we have, can increase stress levels. It is therefore important for us to have ‘relief-moments’; take a break and revitalise.
Yes, stress can affect your wellbeing, but it can also affect your relationships, especially your marriage, as those closest to you are often the worst hit. There is the tendency to snap easily when stressed; you may snap at your spouse, children and those around you, straining your relationship with them.
When stress level increases, tolerance level often drops and little things are magnified; what a spouse would normally tolerate would become too big an issue; people say things they don’t mean, leaving ‘sparks’ flying around. You start hearing words like, “why is she taking forever to dress up?” “Why has he left his shoes here?” Trust me, the worst response at such times would be, “…but I did not take as long as I normally would to dress up!”, “…those shoes have been at that spot for 4 days, why are you picking on that?” Grammar!
The stressed person
I must mention that it is important to know what works for you, but by all means, take a break. I sampled a few opinions from some people on what they do to bounce back and listed below are some of their responses:
– I just shut down and sleep.
– Not until I rest mentally, I don’t feel like I have rested. The kind of work I do may be a contributory factor because it involves a lot of mental work.
– My therapy is a hot bath.
– I take time off work, I may not sleep more than the number of hours I’d normally sleep, but just lazying around the house helps me ‘find’ myself again.
– I spend quality time praying. This is so beneficial because I come back revitalised and with fresh direction.
– I read – not serious books, but stories that help me relax.
– I hook up with friends – real or virtual – and just talk.
– I dance and exercise.
The spouse of the stressed person
Having said that, I will highlight some things that the spouse of the stressed person can do to cushion the effect of stress in the home.
1. Be understanding: It is important that the spouse of the stressed person is understanding. You need to bear with him/her and realise that “my husband/wife is just stressed”. Put yourself in his/her shoes. Earlier last year, my husband went through a very stressful time, it lasted a while. Of course, I understood what was up, but at some point, I needed my caring husband back. He was so stretched, with many deadlines staring him in the face, that it was even difficult for him to savour my cooking, he ate because he had to. I was not liking the whole thing, but had to catch myself; I recalled when I had a similar experience and how daunting it was for me. That changed my disposition and I became even more supportive.
2. Know that he/she has good intentions: There is no need to add to the stress, you don’t need to stress out either, wondering what has become of your spouse.
A couple decided to start a new line of business. Unfortunately, things did not work out as planned. The husband was doing his best to stabilise the business, but every effort proved abortive. This compounded the stress he was going through. What worsened it was that his wife began to doubt his good intention for starting the business, saying he wanted to put the family to shame. Now, how would a good man want to waste the savings of the family?
You might feel bad, but trust that your spouse has good intentions. That, in itself, is great support and would put you in the right frame of mind to tackle the issue as a team, rather than see your spouse (who probably already feels disappointed) as the problem.
3. Talk about your thoughts and concerns – at the right time: Talking about it would give your spouse an opportunity to express the state of things and heIp you ‘see’ how you can help. Whilst it is important to talk, it is necessary to do it at the right time; I have come to find out that in handling issues, timing is important. When my husband is stressed, pointing out a wrong will certainly not do the magic, but once he’s had a good rest and I mention it, ohhhh…. you need to see how apologetic he feels, especially when I say, “I’ve been on my feet all day, trying to sort it (whatever he had to do) out”.😉
4. Make the environment conducive: You can make your home a haven; a place he/she would look forward to coming to. A home may be well-decorated and still not be a haven. Do whatever you can to relieve him/her of the stress; give a good massage, create the right atmosphere, use words that would help him/her to relax, encourage him/her to rest or take a break.
Don’t wait until things get out of hand, be deliberate about maintaining a healthy wellbeing. A healthy spouse equals a healthy marriage!
Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships; a lawyer with special interests in Family and Children Law. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents. She runs workshops for teenagers.
She also partners with her husband in running “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.
This is absolutely wonderful..
Thank you.