Could This Be Why I Am Still Single? By Chidi Akunna

Singlehood is one word that evokes mixed feelings. In some parts of the world, being single is a big thing as it means that you have more time to take on additional responsibilities. In fact, in such places, top positions are occupied by a lot of single people. On the other hand, there are parts of the world where single people are not accorded due respect, married folks are considered more responsible and accountable.

Be that as it may, I think trying to fit into the way things are in the society in which you live in would mean wielding your power, identity and esteem to the society. This is why the saying, “you have one life to live, live it”, makes a lot of sense. Beyond the norm and limits, push through. Being single is not a disadvantage, you are worth more than your relationship status.

There are some single persons who never imagined that they would still be single today. For some, it is due to circumstances beyond their control. However, some others may need to be aware of certain things that may have affected them in different capacities.

1. Extreme Independence– Being independent has been termed a ‘double-edged sword’. While being independent is a good thing, when it is overstretched, it can affect your relationship, robbing it of intimacy. Some ladies will have to ‘unlearn’ and adjust in order to accommodate a man, especially when they have been independent for a while. Some men may have to wake up to the fact that getting married means that you no longer have to live or do things solo, you will have some explaining to do, but trust me, it’s fun. “True and intimate connection cannot happen until you open your heart. Vulnerability is critical to intimacy.” – Victor Akunna.

Is your excessive desire to be independent sabotaging your chance of getting married?

 

2. Absolute reliance on the conviction of others– Holding on to the decision of authority figures you look up to, like a parent, pastor, counsellor, etc., is not wrong as these people are there to guide you and help you avoid making certain mistakes. However, when they take over what should be your decision and impose theirs on you, it becomes a problem. Understandably, there are peculiar situations, but do not forget that you must be convinced about going into that relationship.

My parents would always say to me and my siblings, “our role is to guide, not to choose for you. Of course, we will advise and pray with you, but the decision is yours.” This does not mean that they would accept your choice hook, line and sinker. If your choice does not make sense to your parents and you are very convinced, allow some time and pray that they would be convinced. If you keep changing your mind on your choice of who to get married to each time authority figures around you question your choice, it would appear as though you are having a hard time making up your mind. When this is noticed, there will always be the ‘urge’ to help you choose.

Would you rather accept the convictions of others than be convinced yourself?

 

3. Recurring traits– You may have been in a relationship in the past and the person you were in a relationship with may have complained about certain traits, such as your extravagant lifestyle, the way you explode when angry, excessive anger and hostility, picking a quarrel easily, etc. You may explain it away, but it is necessary to stop and ask yourself questions. The truth is that who you are is what you bring into marriage. If a potential spouse observes certain things and points out the need for you to change, if you don’t change after a while, you may leave him/her with no option than to ask, “can I cope with this in marriage?” If he/she thinks that he/she cannot cope with it, the relationship may be called off.

What traits have your friends complained about? Get to work! You may need to seek God’s help, there are things that you cannot change/stop on your own.

Would you want to marry YOU?

 

4. Misconceptions– There are certain misconceptions some people have about men, women, relationship, marriage and life generally. When a potential spouse hears you say things like, “getting married is like being assigned to death zone”, it will trigger alarm bells. Insisting on your opinions and being unwilling to jettison conflicting opinions may leave you with too many potential spouses ‘taking a walk’. Some of such opinions include, “my money is mine and yours is ours, that is how my parents run their home”, “women shouldn’t work after getting married”. Your unwillingness to open your mind to new paradigms that may change your perspective towards such misconceptions will likely make a potential spouse reconsider his/her choice.

What misconceptions do you have about life? Where did you pick those misconceptions? Are you teachable?

 

5. Low Self-esteem– Unfortunately, there are people who feel that they are not ‘worthy’ of being in a relationship, even though they desire a fulfilling relationship. Some consider themselves too fat, too skinny, too ugly,… and even too old! Unknown to them, this affects their confidence and reflects on their appearance, their inability to make eye contact, or even engage persons of the opposite sex in a meaningful conversation. Dear Single, you may know so much, but if a potential spouse does not know how much you know, he/she may not know the treasure deposited in you. If you do not know how much you are worth, how can a potential spouse know that?

I would like to also mention that sometimes, being ‘dumped’ could leave people with low self-esteem which makes them too ‘sensitive’. Some have grown so used to being ‘dumped’ that they do not expect anything better. They get into a relationship and begin to prepare their hearts for eventual heartbreak and wonder why heartbreakers seem to gravitate towards them.

“…whatsoever things are true, …think on these things.” – Philippians 4:8

Is it possible that low self-esteem has robbed you of great relationships?

 

6. Past Experience– As mentioned above, some people have had too many bad experiences that they are conditioned to ‘protecting’ their hearts, allowing no room for trust and faith in the relationship; they just cannot believe for the best. Unfortunately, our thoughts and the stories we tell ourselves cause more pain than the actual experience. Thus, dwelling on the pain and allowing the fear of having another heartbreak to control your life will sabotage the chance of experiencing wonderful relationships. No experience leaves you the same, learn from the experience and let it make you a better person. Not until you decide to quit trying to ‘protect’ yourself from pain and give/show love regardless, there is a dimension of love you may not experience.

What permanent decisions have you made based on previous experiences?

7. Fear triggered by the experience of others– Sometimes, when people are exposed to negative ‘templates’, they tend to form opinions based on such templates. A lady who has seen her dad and uncles batter her mum and aunties may be scared of getting married. On the other hand, a man who has seen his dad go through misery in the hands of a mean mum may be scared of venturing into marriage. Unknown to some people, such experiences may have influenced their views about marriage.

A certain lady was quick to prove that “you only get married to have children and remain in the marriage because of the children”. When I probed, I realised that she had too many bad examples around her. Unfortunately, all the promising relationships she got into never got as far as marriage; after 2 to 3 years in a relationship, the guys would call it off. Who knows? They may have questioned her perspective about marriage. She is married today and is enjoying her marriage. The fact that the marriages of those around you don’t seem to be working does not mean that you will have a terrible experience as well. Your marriage can become a positive point of reference!

What opinions have you adopted based on the experiences of others in marriage? Have you checked them out?

 

8. Comparing a potential spouse to an Ex– One mistake some people make, sometimes unconsciously, is to play the comparison game; comparing a potential spouse to an Ex or even comparing themselves to a potential spouse’s Ex.

Comparing a potential spouse to an Ex would make you focus on his/her weaknesses and blur his/her strengths and potentials. There is no need to check out the similarities or differences in the words and actions of a potential spouse against memories of an Ex, this will simply leave you stuck in the past. The comparison game may provoke jealousy and affect your confidence and esteem.

In what ways have you played the comparison game? Has it served you?

In conclusion, like the saying goes, birds of a feather flock together and like attracts like. To attract the right potential spouse, we must be the right potential spouse.

 

Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships; a UK based solicitor with special interests in Family and Children Law. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents. She runs workshops for teenagers.

She also partners with her husband in running “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE”workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and  strengthening families.  They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.

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