Chidi & Victor Akunna are leading voices on marital romance and family life. They are passionate about helping individuals, couples and organisations build sustainable and valuable relationships, and testimonials abound. They are authors of many articles and books.
They partner in the administration of “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.
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72 Commentson "Red Alert: Are you dating a Prospect or a Suspect?"
Excellent point @ Bimpe…marriage is for destiny. If you don’t know who you are, what you are here (earth) to do, how will you know who you need to fulfil destiny?
Hmmmm, very true @ anonymous. Sometimes, societal pressures from parents who want grandchildren, friends who intimidate with their wives and wedding bands, the disregard and stigma some singles experience in some cultures can be daunting
Good evening everyone. I think we could relate that to peer pressure – all my mates are married and they keep wanting to get me hitched to their husbands’ friends. That, is enough temptation and pressure to rush and mistakes often occur when things are done in a hurry.
sometimes people are in a haste to marry. in addition, societal or family pressures may be responsible. Again, not paying attention to some wrong signs.
The lady I mentioned earlier gave me the permission to share her story. She is presently considering the process of divorce after being married for less than 4 years.
When you don’t know what you want, just about anything is okay as long as you’re married. Many ladies have created fantasies of a perfect marriage – without any effort on their part of course. Creating stereotype young, dashing and handsome guys without looking deeper. Forgetting that there’s more to a person than outlooks.
Spot on! There is more to a person than looks. Looks are important, however, we must seek to know the core of the person, which I will be sharing soon.
She stated that she did not really date the guy nor did she know him so well. She just wanted to get married because prior to that time, she had been involved in many failed relationships. Hence, when she was introduced to this person, she jumped at it.
Great point at Nwabunwanne. Wisdom is the principal thing. It is very important to learn from other people’s mistakes and successes. “In a multitude of counsel, there is safety.”
This is the core of who we are. Man/woman is a spirit who lives in a body. Hence, marrying someone who shares the core of your beliefs and faith is very very important. This is where we sometimes draw our sense of identity from; our moral code/ethics.
2. Using sex to keep the relationship going – trying to use sex to keep your commitment. Sex before marriage changes the dynamics of the relationship. People become blind to potential red alerts because the only thing they are preoccupied with is sex.
More so, sex lays the wrong foundation for your marriage, bringing God’s anger upon your unformed union. What a way to begin!
3. We have mentioned this before. Sometimes, singles don’t investigate the background and history of the individual. This includes their financial status, family, etc. The family of your potential spouse can make life miserable for you directly or indirectly. It is good to pay visits to their family home, listen carefully and prayerfully because at this stage, people would be trying to make a positive impression. Ask questions about family histories, talk with people who know them well. Some years ago, people visit families to investigate…. If we investigate to hire staff for our companies, why do we do less when getting married?
4. Disclosing all too soon. Transparency in relationship is very important. It makes relating with each other much easier and peaceful. However, it is good to practise the principle of progressive disclosure. The first few days are not the time for the person to know all about your past, especially when the past is not very interesting. Allow the relationship some time to grow. …Just like the lady who told a suitor the number of abortions she carried out as a naive teenager, only to find him acting cold and disconnected till the relationship died a natural death.
As you build trust and intimacy, you will begin to disclose. It is called progressive disclosure, don’t dump your whole life on someone’s lap before they have the chance to know your wonderful side. However, certain issues must not be left undiscussed for too long as they can raise trust issues.
From experience, I have come to know that some members of the suitor’s family try to cover up his weaknesses, portraying him as faultless. After marriage, they will team up with him to deal with you, of course, after giving them their grandchildren.
Is spiritual compatibility more than just being born again and perhaps the same body of Christ?
Does it have something to do with depth of spiritual understanding and commitment?
Being Born Again is the foundation, but beyond this, we must also look out for their walk with God. This is because people who have an active walk with God will keep growing and changing.
We mentioned church doctrines because some churches believe that church is more important than the family. Hence, one’s spouse may be called for official duty or transferred to another location at short notice. We think that the family was created before the church in God’s order of things. In fact, to be appointed a Bishop, a man’s family is an important credential.
5. Putting the responsibility for your self-esteem and happiness on your partner. Many single individuals get into relationships, looking for who will complete, nurture and make them happy. The challenge with these expectations is that they are your responsibilities. If you are not a happy person, enjoying your own company, nobody can really help you. Expecting this from another human being is to set the relationship up to fail before it has a chance. You must come from a place of wholeness and abundance, not lack. You must come into a relationship, not as a dependent person, but as an independent individual. Your coming together would now become an interdependent relationship, with both of you supporting each other
True @ Chinwe, we must watch and pray. Don’t just pray. Have a clear leading from God to go ahead. I know of someone who married an individual with sickle cell anaemia based on God’s leading and today, they are waxing strong!
6. Jumping into a relationship to escape home, pain or shame of past relationships. You don’t jump into marriage to escape… marriage is for mature people. You need excellent relationship and conflict management skills. Hence, escaping one relationship will not guarantee you haven in marriage. I know of a powerful and loaded sister who jumped into a marriage to escape the shame of being disappointed by a brother she was hoping will ask her out. Today, she is a shadow of herself.
7. Not growing in value. People make relationships what they are. Hence, considering that people are dynamic, always changing, it is expected that you keep growing in your thinking pattern, attitude, achievements and walk with God. Otherwise, if your spouse-to-be outgrows you, he or she may become bored in the relationship. This is sometimes, the reason why some people walk away from their childhood sweethearts or someone who sponsored them through school with the agreement of marriage. When you remain stagnant, you can gradually grow apart because of mental incompatibility.
IDENTIFYING TIME WASTERS
No definite agenda for the relationship. People who don’t have clear agenda for the relationship, with no timelines, need to be scrutinized. Without goals and targets, we cannot measure progress. Hence, if someone you are dating is not keen on moving the relationship to the next level after about 6 months, you need to check him/her out.
He/she must be making effort to incorporate you into their circle of friends. People flaunt whatever they are proud of. Hence, if you are in an unknown relationship, in the dark or the back burner, hmmm… Please view and subscribe to our Youtube channel, we discussed this topic elaborately here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueFsx3tx4rw
Also, individuals who don’t have definite plans for their lives which they are working towards (not just all-talk and no action) don’t need a spouse yet, they need direction. If you hook up with someone going nowhere, he will take you in the same direction fast. Find out where you are going before ‘hiring’ a helper.
Also, if he/she does not make sacrifices for the relationship. When people keep giving excuses about the relationship, not keeping in touch, not communicating, not adding value to your life, etc., you need to take a critical look. We would be rounding off in 15mins time.
1. Look for similarities in values. Values determine our decisions, friends and our future direction. Hence, it is important you check out for similarities in values. Values of integrity, honesty, hardwork, excellence in speech, environment, appearance, service, love, etc.
2. Listening skills. This is important for effective communication. People want to be heard, so learn to ask questions and listen. Listening to hear beyond what they are saying. Don’t just listen to respond, but to understand.
3. Add value to his/her life
4. Understand them…their temperament and priorities.
5. Study their relationships, you can know a lot about them by observing their inner circle.
6. Be yourself; pretending is tough.
7. Define the boundaries of mutual respect. Don’t engage in sex, set ground rules, you earn respect this way.
I have been in a relationship for about 2years and 8months, but he has not said anything about getting married. My greatest concern is pulling out now after all these years and he supported me at some point. I wonder if I can live with the guilt.
Wow! 2 years and 8 months? Why that long? Most times, guys know what they want. If he was going to ask you out, he would have done so by now. However, some guys are too laid back, they only take action when they sense someone ‘better’ is coming to take the lady. Hence, I will suggest you call for a meeting in which you will politely ask him of his plans, where does he see the relationship progressing to. Sometimes, it is better to be alone than to waste years with time wasters. Those around you, including you, think you have something special going on. Do not wait until you receive his wedding card, take charge of your destiny.
my dear @ Anonymous. You need to know why he is keeping silent and the only way to do so is to ask him . You should politely ask him where the relationship is heading to. Ask him the plans he has for the future and find out your place in his future. There is nothing wrong in asking. with a good approach , i wont look like an act of desperation.
For me , that he supported you in any way should not be a major reason for marrying him. Marrying him is not the best way to show appreciation.
In addition, I advise you go through the all the points discussed above,Im sure they will help.
As a single person , you still have the opportunity to make the right choice.
Thank you all for your questions, comments, contributions and for joining us from different parts of the globe. Your marriage shall be a model, you shall not make a mistake nor regret your choice in Jesus name!
Hmm, this is a very important question @ Chinwe. The first thing is to truly desire to know about their background. Sometimes, a part of us wants to know, while the other part doesn’t because we are concerned that we may not be able to handle what we find out. Hence, if you truly desire to know, you can sincerely ask God for help. He will orchestrate events that will drop information on your lap, without you struggling. Also, if you know people who know their family, you can ask questions without disclosing your intentions because you need unbiased responses from them. Finally, you can go with trusted and experienced people to pay a visit to their family, including their place of origin where necessary, you may stumble upon key information. The goal here is not about marrying a perfect person, not at all. The goal is to know a few things so that you will be able to make informed decisions.
Red Alert: Are you dating a Prospect or a Suspect?
…Counting down!
Expectant!
Great evening, wonderful people. All you have to do to participate is to leave your comments and contributions on the comment section
Please, feel free to read without commenting. However, we want it to be as interactive as possible.
Good evening, Sir. Its great to be here
Hope you are having a great day?
Great evening @ Chinwe. Welcome on board!
We have a very important topic to discuss today…Red Alert
Great to be here!
I will like to begin with a true story. Yesterday, I had a counselling session with a lady who gave me the permission to share her story.
I think not knowing who one is or not having an idea of one’s purpose or a wrong identity
Excellent point @ Bimpe…marriage is for destiny. If you don’t know who you are, what you are here (earth) to do, how will you know who you need to fulfil destiny?
When you don’t know what you want, you’d accept just about anything.
Awesome @ Aramide. If you ask some people what they want, they will tell you, “I just want to be married. I need to leave my parents’ house.”
A special welcome to Bimpe
However, let’s have a brief chat. What is responsible for wrong choices as regards choosing a life partner? I will like to get some feedback.
Sometimes, people are too desperate to wait and think
Hmmmm, very true @ anonymous. Sometimes, societal pressures from parents who want grandchildren, friends who intimidate with their wives and wedding bands, the disregard and stigma some singles experience in some cultures can be daunting
Good evening everyone. I think we could relate that to peer pressure – all my mates are married and they keep wanting to get me hitched to their husbands’ friends. That, is enough temptation and pressure to rush and mistakes often occur when things are done in a hurry.
Thumbs up at Mary… This is a major reason. Desperate people often do desperate things
Nice one
Sometimes pressure to get married both from ourselves or others
sometimes people are in a haste to marry. in addition, societal or family pressures may be responsible. Again, not paying attention to some wrong signs.
The lady I mentioned earlier gave me the permission to share her story. She is presently considering the process of divorce after being married for less than 4 years.
When you don’t know what you want, just about anything is okay as long as you’re married. Many ladies have created fantasies of a perfect marriage – without any effort on their part of course. Creating stereotype young, dashing and handsome guys without looking deeper. Forgetting that there’s more to a person than outlooks.
Spot on! There is more to a person than looks. Looks are important, however, we must seek to know the core of the person, which I will be sharing soon.
Good evening everyone. Good to be here
Welcome on board, Nwabunwanne
She stated that she did not really date the guy nor did she know him so well. She just wanted to get married because prior to that time, she had been involved in many failed relationships. Hence, when she was introduced to this person, she jumped at it.
To add more to the common errors singles make… I will be including the following:
Not seeking the right counsel is another factor
Great point at Nwabunwanne. Wisdom is the principal thing. It is very important to learn from other people’s mistakes and successes. “In a multitude of counsel, there is safety.”
1. Spiritual incompatibility
This is the core of who we are. Man/woman is a spirit who lives in a body. Hence, marrying someone who shares the core of your beliefs and faith is very very important. This is where we sometimes draw our sense of identity from; our moral code/ethics.
Ask a lot of questions… even Christians differ based on doctrines. Don’t assume, “assumption is the lowest level of knowledge” Sam Adeyemi
2. Using sex to keep the relationship going – trying to use sex to keep your commitment. Sex before marriage changes the dynamics of the relationship. People become blind to potential red alerts because the only thing they are preoccupied with is sex.
More so, sex lays the wrong foundation for your marriage, bringing God’s anger upon your unformed union. What a way to begin!
Don’t marry a stranger
very true
3. We have mentioned this before. Sometimes, singles don’t investigate the background and history of the individual. This includes their financial status, family, etc. The family of your potential spouse can make life miserable for you directly or indirectly. It is good to pay visits to their family home, listen carefully and prayerfully because at this stage, people would be trying to make a positive impression. Ask questions about family histories, talk with people who know them well. Some years ago, people visit families to investigate…. If we investigate to hire staff for our companies, why do we do less when getting married?
Hmmm @people will be trying to make a positive impression.
hmmm…family history, very important.
4. Disclosing all too soon. Transparency in relationship is very important. It makes relating with each other much easier and peaceful. However, it is good to practise the principle of progressive disclosure. The first few days are not the time for the person to know all about your past, especially when the past is not very interesting. Allow the relationship some time to grow. …Just like the lady who told a suitor the number of abortions she carried out as a naive teenager, only to find him acting cold and disconnected till the relationship died a natural death.
As you build trust and intimacy, you will begin to disclose. It is called progressive disclosure, don’t dump your whole life on someone’s lap before they have the chance to know your wonderful side. However, certain issues must not be left undiscussed for too long as they can raise trust issues.
From experience, I have come to know that some members of the suitor’s family try to cover up his weaknesses, portraying him as faultless. After marriage, they will team up with him to deal with you, of course, after giving them their grandchildren.
Is spiritual compatibility more than just being born again and perhaps the same body of Christ?
Does it have something to do with depth of spiritual understanding and commitment?
Being Born Again is the foundation, but beyond this, we must also look out for their walk with God. This is because people who have an active walk with God will keep growing and changing.
We mentioned church doctrines because some churches believe that church is more important than the family. Hence, one’s spouse may be called for official duty or transferred to another location at short notice. We think that the family was created before the church in God’s order of things. In fact, to be appointed a Bishop, a man’s family is an important credential.
one of the reasons we women marry anybody is the fact that society looks down on single women. its now a competition to be married.
hmm, @ anonymous, I agree with you. I have seen it happen.
5. Putting the responsibility for your self-esteem and happiness on your partner. Many single individuals get into relationships, looking for who will complete, nurture and make them happy. The challenge with these expectations is that they are your responsibilities. If you are not a happy person, enjoying your own company, nobody can really help you. Expecting this from another human being is to set the relationship up to fail before it has a chance. You must come from a place of wholeness and abundance, not lack. You must come into a relationship, not as a dependent person, but as an independent individual. Your coming together would now become an interdependent relationship, with both of you supporting each other
society does not make it easy for single women.
very true. Ifeoma
Waoo Investigation very important.
About investigation, someone told me it is important to look at certain traits associated with certain families or even tribes
True @ Chinwe, we must watch and pray. Don’t just pray. Have a clear leading from God to go ahead. I know of someone who married an individual with sickle cell anaemia based on God’s leading and today, they are waxing strong!
I love that..”watch and pray, not just pray”
6. Jumping into a relationship to escape home, pain or shame of past relationships. You don’t jump into marriage to escape… marriage is for mature people. You need excellent relationship and conflict management skills. Hence, escaping one relationship will not guarantee you haven in marriage. I know of a powerful and loaded sister who jumped into a marriage to escape the shame of being disappointed by a brother she was hoping will ask her out. Today, she is a shadow of herself.
7. Not growing in value. People make relationships what they are. Hence, considering that people are dynamic, always changing, it is expected that you keep growing in your thinking pattern, attitude, achievements and walk with God. Otherwise, if your spouse-to-be outgrows you, he or she may become bored in the relationship. This is sometimes, the reason why some people walk away from their childhood sweethearts or someone who sponsored them through school with the agreement of marriage. When you remain stagnant, you can gradually grow apart because of mental incompatibility.
hmmm, mental incompatibility. A strong point
IDENTIFYING TIME WASTERS
No definite agenda for the relationship. People who don’t have clear agenda for the relationship, with no timelines, need to be scrutinized. Without goals and targets, we cannot measure progress. Hence, if someone you are dating is not keen on moving the relationship to the next level after about 6 months, you need to check him/her out.
He/she must be making effort to incorporate you into their circle of friends. People flaunt whatever they are proud of. Hence, if you are in an unknown relationship, in the dark or the back burner, hmmm… Please view and subscribe to our Youtube channel, we discussed this topic elaborately here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ueFsx3tx4rw
Also, individuals who don’t have definite plans for their lives which they are working towards (not just all-talk and no action) don’t need a spouse yet, they need direction. If you hook up with someone going nowhere, he will take you in the same direction fast. Find out where you are going before ‘hiring’ a helper.
Also, if he/she does not make sacrifices for the relationship. When people keep giving excuses about the relationship, not keeping in touch, not communicating, not adding value to your life, etc., you need to take a critical look. We would be rounding off in 15mins time.
Which is why I want to gain direction before getting in to ANY relationship
🙂
ATTRACTING AND KEEPING YOUR DREAM SPOUSE
1. Look for similarities in values. Values determine our decisions, friends and our future direction. Hence, it is important you check out for similarities in values. Values of integrity, honesty, hardwork, excellence in speech, environment, appearance, service, love, etc.
2. Listening skills. This is important for effective communication. People want to be heard, so learn to ask questions and listen. Listening to hear beyond what they are saying. Don’t just listen to respond, but to understand.
3. Add value to his/her life
4. Understand them…their temperament and priorities.
5. Study their relationships, you can know a lot about them by observing their inner circle.
6. Be yourself; pretending is tough.
7. Define the boundaries of mutual respect. Don’t engage in sex, set ground rules, you earn respect this way.
Please ask questions, if you have any.
I have been in a relationship for about 2years and 8months, but he has not said anything about getting married. My greatest concern is pulling out now after all these years and he supported me at some point. I wonder if I can live with the guilt.
Wow! 2 years and 8 months? Why that long? Most times, guys know what they want. If he was going to ask you out, he would have done so by now. However, some guys are too laid back, they only take action when they sense someone ‘better’ is coming to take the lady. Hence, I will suggest you call for a meeting in which you will politely ask him of his plans, where does he see the relationship progressing to. Sometimes, it is better to be alone than to waste years with time wasters. Those around you, including you, think you have something special going on. Do not wait until you receive his wedding card, take charge of your destiny.
my dear @ Anonymous. You need to know why he is keeping silent and the only way to do so is to ask him . You should politely ask him where the relationship is heading to. Ask him the plans he has for the future and find out your place in his future. There is nothing wrong in asking. with a good approach , i wont look like an act of desperation.
For me , that he supported you in any way should not be a major reason for marrying him. Marrying him is not the best way to show appreciation.
In addition, I advise you go through the all the points discussed above,Im sure they will help.
As a single person , you still have the opportunity to make the right choice.
All the best dear
Awesome point…@ Chinwe “marrying him is not the best way to show appreiation”.
Thank you all for your questions, comments, contributions and for joining us from different parts of the globe. Your marriage shall be a model, you shall not make a mistake nor regret your choice in Jesus name!
What is the best way of investigating a potential spouse’s family? knowing that some families might hide certain information from the other partner.
Hmm, this is a very important question @ Chinwe. The first thing is to truly desire to know about their background. Sometimes, a part of us wants to know, while the other part doesn’t because we are concerned that we may not be able to handle what we find out. Hence, if you truly desire to know, you can sincerely ask God for help. He will orchestrate events that will drop information on your lap, without you struggling. Also, if you know people who know their family, you can ask questions without disclosing your intentions because you need unbiased responses from them. Finally, you can go with trusted and experienced people to pay a visit to their family, including their place of origin where necessary, you may stumble upon key information. The goal here is not about marrying a perfect person, not at all. The goal is to know a few things so that you will be able to make informed decisions.
NB: You must have inner peace to begin with.
Amen. Thanks very much for tonight discussion. Great lesson for me. Good night all.
Great insight….. I’m so enlightened.. THANK YOU!!
You are welcome great lady, more to come! Stay ‘tuned’ to this blog! 🙂
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