When it comes to building a relationship, there are a lot of misconceptions. The truth is that no matter how sincere you are, if your partner has a wrong misconception about how to build a relationship, your attempt to create a lasting and godly relationship may be unsuccessful. A deeper understanding on how to build a relationship is very pivotal and this is why I have decided to share on ‘the five different phases of building a relationship’. They are:
1. ATTRACTION: Now, I will not be limiting attraction to the physical appearance alone. Some people are attracted to the intelligence of a person. Some are even attracted to how a person thinks or speaks. In fact, a lot of things can attract you to someone, apart from physical appearance. The challenge in this stage is that a lot of people base their final choice on attraction alone, which is very bad. Attraction is just a stage out of the other important stages. All I am insinuating is that in as much as we are trying to be ‘spiritual’ in choosing a spouse, we should be aware of the fact that something attracted us to that person.
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In Genesis chapter 2, when God brought Eve to Adam, he (Adam) was attracted to her. How do I know that? Adam made a statement of acceptance by saying in verse 22, “this is now the bone of my bone and the flesh of my flesh.” From Adam’s statement, we can deduced that it was the INTERNAL FEATURES of Eve that first attracted her to him (bone of my bone), before the EXTERNAL FEATURES (flesh of my flesh). This is to tell us that we should base our choices on the internal attributes before the external attributes. As Christians, we should not be religious, saying that physical attraction should not be involved in choosing a soul mate and in building a relationship. Physical attraction is important in searching for a soul mate BUT basing our final decision on physical attraction alone is NOT encouraged because physical chemistry alone is very short-lived.
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2. UNCERTAINTY: At least, at this stage, you have been friends with that person and you have also seen, not just the good side of the person, but other sides too. During this period, most people experience a shift from feeling attraction to feeling ‘’uncertain’’ that that person is right for them. At this stage, instead of jumping into a relationship with that person based on feelings alone, we try to engage our brains too. Just as my friend, Allison Bisongs Hyacintho, would say, ‘’Take your HEAD along with your HEART.’’ The challenge in this stage is to recognise that the ‘’uncertainty’’ is normal and not be swayed by it.
To become uncertain does not mean that someone is not right for you. It is quite normal to feel uncertain about whether to pursue a relationship with that person or not. At this point, you may be asking God the same question David asked when he asked God if he should pursue his opponent and God responded by saying he should pursue, overtake and recover all. Without an understanding of this stage, it is too easy for a person to easily sway to another direction.
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3. EXCLUSIVITY: When we are able to decide that that person has the potential to be a mate, we are ready to move to this stage. In this stage, we feel the desire, the push, and for some, they hear the voice that says, “pursue, overtake, and recover all”. As humans, we are all emotional beings and we all want this opportunity to give and receive love in a special relationship without competition. We want to have that special person in our lives we can call “my love”. We want to relax and have more time with that person.
This is the time when the guy takes a bold step to let the lady know that he would like her to be exclusively his and he would also like her to be more than a friend with a DEFINITE VISION PLAN. Indirectly, the lady would have gone through the different stages too, but the difference is that for her, she may have to go back to stage two to THINK THROUGH and decide if she should pursue a relationship with the guy. For some ladies, how long they spend on stage two varies and their reasons also vary, but it is advisable not to keep the guy on hold for too long.
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I also advise ladies to take their time to be convinced enough and to have that peace of mind too. If the lady responds positively, then the both of them have to make a COMMITMENT to be EXCLUSIVELY responsible to each other and to build a godly foundation that allows them to open their hearts and truly love each other. Most people in this stage unknowingly sabotage this opportunity to experience the best of their partners and themselves.
As soon as they become exclusive, they relax and no longer put their best foot forward. This is a big MISTAKE. In this stage, there must be deliberate effort to keep the fire burning. After a guy and lady become exclusive, they often become too comfortable and begin to take each other for granted. The guy stops pursuing the lady because he feels he has won her over, and the lady tends to expect more, since they are now exclusive. This creates predictable problems that could have been avoided.
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4. INTIMACY: In stage four, we begin to experience real intimacy. We feel relaxed enough to share about ourselves more deeply than before, WITHOUT COMPROMISING OUR STANDARDS. The opportunity of this stage is to experience the best in ourselves and our partner, while the two parties choose to work on their less-than-best sides. Many people make the mistake of rushing this phase. They do not understand that this is the vital time to gather positive experiences of sharing together and resolving disagreements.
This phase provides a strong foundation for experiencing a lifetime of love and romance.
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Without the understanding of how men and women react to intimacy, it is easy for the two parties to conclude mistakenly that they are just too different to proceed. Intimacy comes in four various forms, which are:
– Spiritual Intimacy; opens our hearts, creating love, unity, appreciation, and respect.
– Mental Intimacy; creates interest and receptivity.
– Emotional Intimacy; creates affection, care, and trust.
– Physical Intimacy; creates desire and arousal.
It is advisable for partners to engage in all the levels of intimacy at this stage, except Physical Intimacy which is ONLY allowed in the next phase which I titled ‘Marriage’. The greatest challenge in this phase is not to rush into taking on the responsibilities of marriage. Many marriages fail not because couples picked the wrong partner, but because they did not prepare adequately.
5. MARRIAGE: Marriage is the acknowledgement that our partner is special to us on all levels and that we are committed to the growth of love in the relationship. Marriage is a promise that we will hold our partner as more special than anyone else for a lifetime. The love and attraction at the previous phases is like a seed that should be nurtured and should be given a chance to grow. Moving through this five phases of relationship could be compared to baking a cake – mixing all the ingredients together happens during the first three phases; then, phase four is the equivalent to putting the mix into the oven. For the cake (marriage) to taste better and sweeter, the other phases must be mixed properly.
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In conclusion, I believe that with these new insights, it will be easier to interpret each other’s behaviour correctly and accordingly. Knowing what to expect in each of the five phases of building a relationship makes it incredibly easier. For example, in the first phase (Attractive Phase); when a woman understands why a man doesn’t call back the next day, even when he is attracted and interested, it frees her from worrying unnecessarily and having wrong assumptions about him.
ETI-INYENE GODWIN AKPAN, popularly called SIR Inyene, is a Relationship & Marriage Expert.
He is religiously passionate about setting the minds of people right when it comes to issues related to Relationship and Marriage. As an expert in this field, he helps young people understand the real purpose of relationship and the institution called marriage.
You can follow him on Instagram & Twitter: @SIRInyene and Facebook: www.facebook.com/sirinyene
