How did we get this far? by Chidi Akunna

With Jane’s consent (real name withheld), I have decided to share this experience for the benefit of someone out there.

“I had an argument with my husband that escalated; in no time, we engaged in a fight. I can’t tell you I know how we went so far and got into the garden, but by the time we came to our senses, there were neighbours staring at us. Some of them are members of our church, the story spread like wild fire. It was the first time we ever fought in our 9 years of marriage. As recommended, we have gone for counselling to avoid another situation, but the shame and embarrassment is unbearable. We have been leaving home very early for work and returning late, to avoid people. We also have not been to church in a long time. We have considered leaving the church, but we can’t move from where we live because we work local. I don’t even know what else to say, but I am so discouraged.” Jane

This is sad, but do not allow it consume you. There are many perspectives to this issue, but one critical part I would like to focus on is communication. Often times, when ‘little’ issues are overlooked, they become ‘mountainous’. To have a strong relationship, there should be good communication, issues must be talked through and not shoved under the carpet. When we fail to talk through them, they come out in ways we don’t expect, hurting our marriage. According to Jimmy Evans, good communication is a skill that can be learnt, he went on to propose three types of communication. I will explain each type using examples in the area of finance to shed more light.

Proactive Communication

In this case, we sit down and plan ahead of time the way we want things to run in the future. We discuss with our spouses and agree on what to do concerning them. This is highly recommended as it gives you the opportunity to talk through and address any issue before it arises.

An example is to discuss what we will spend money on; whether to go for the option of joint account or separate accounts; how much we want to save and invest; how we would run our budget; and how we are going to increase our earnings in the next five years. Set aside some time to discuss with your spouse in a relaxed place (it is important to choose the right time and atmosphere e.g. a date night, without the children).

Reactive Communication

This is when a spouse gets upset about something that was said or done by shutting down (non-verbal communication) or acting without processing your emotions; you say what you feel, even if it is not nice. The reactions are often negative.

An example in relation to finance would be if your spouse says, “we are spending too much, we are going over our limit”, or asks, “why did you buy that?” Such statements/questions may be followed by negative reactions, instead of calmly asking for further clarification.

Radioactive Communication

This relates to situations in which your communication becomes explosive around a specific topic. Each time you talk about it, the ground on which you stand quakes. In some families, it is the issue of fidelity, money, sex, parenting…, both spouses are diversely opinionated on that issue and neither of them is ready to collaborate or even compromise. When your communication gets to this point, you may need a professional to intervene.

An example in the area of finance – assuming a spouse took a loan in the past and things did not go as planned, leading to public embarrassment. This can become a radioactive issue in the family, such that bringing up the issue of borrowing again may lead to an explosive argument.

Blog Post: Communication in relationship

Having said that, I think it is impressive that you have gone for counselling. Hopefully, applying the principles shared will set you both on your way to having a model marriage. Oh yes, I have seen people bounce back from worse situations, some have become examples to other marriages. It might take time for people to believe in you both again, but your focus should be on having a great union with your spouse.

Blog Post: You are Better Than That

Unfortunately, we cannot control what people think of us, but we must be true to ourselves. I think you need to ask yourself, is my desire to live in peace with my husband for the good of our marriage or to impress others? Answering this question will redirect your focus. The truth is that the little effort you put in may not show initially, but overtime, as you improve who you are (your beliefs, worldview and perspectives as regards marriage), you will certainly see results because your marriage is a function of who you are.

I think you have a strong message there, you can use that experience to mentor young couples who may be going through some issues and do not know how to handle them, let them know how you came through.

May your marriage continue to go from strength to strength!

Chidi Akunna
Romance & Intimacy Catalyst
www.foundationforfamilyaffairs.org

Photo Credit: Crosswalk

 

Chidi Akunna is keen on building healthy relationships; a solicitor with special interests in Family and Children Law. She is passionate about the challenges and opportunities facing teenagers, 21st century marriages and parents. She is a co-author of many articles and books such as Spicy Romance, Dynamic of Marriage, Bedroom Makeover Plus and Health and Wealth Acceleration.

She partners with her husband in the administration of “Romance Masterclass” – a coaching programme and “Lite the FIRE” workshop – a couples’ romance makeover intervention. Together, they write “Connected Hearts” – a leading daily devotional on spicing up marital romance and strengthening families. They also oversee the operations of Foundation for Family Affairs – a charity focused on strengthening families around the globe.